The possessed or, The devils

And on this, to my amazement, he was not quite certain whether he was or was not a member of some secret society. "That depends, _voyez-vous._" "How do you mean 'it depends'?" "When with one's whole heart one is an adherent of progress and... who can answer it? You may suppose you don't belong, and suddenly it turns out that you do belong to something." "Now is that possible? It's a case of yes or no." "_Cela date de Pétersburg_ when she and I were meaning to found a magazine there. That's what's at the root of it. She gave them the slip then, and they forgot us, but now they've remembered. _Cher, cher,_ don't you know me?" he cried hysterically. "And they'll take us, put us in a cart, and march us off to Siberia forever, or forget us in prison." And he suddenly broke into bitter weeping. His tears positively streamed. He covered his face with his red silk handkerchief and sobbed, sobbed convulsively for five minutes. It wrung my heart. This was the man who had been a prophet among us for twenty years, a leader, a patriarch, the Kukolnik who had borne himself so loftily and majestically before all of us, before whom we bowed down with genuine reverence, feeling proud of doing so--and all of a sudden here he was sobbing, sobbing like a naughty child waiting for the rod which the teacher is fetching for him. I felt fearfully sorry for him. He believed in the reality of that "cart" as he believed that I was sitting by his side, and he expected it that morning, at once, that very minute, and all this on account of his Herzen and some poem! Such complete, absolute ignorance of everyday reality was touching and somehow repulsive. At last he left off crying, got up from the sofa and began walking about the room again, continuing to talk to me, though he looked out of the window every minute and listened to every sound in the passage. Our conversation was still disconnected. All my assurances and attempts to console him rebounded from him like peas from a wall. He scarcely listened, but yet what he needed was that I should console him and keep on talking with that object. I saw that he could not do without me now, and would not let me go for anything. I remained, and we spent more than two hours together. In conversation he recalled that Blum had taken with him two manifestoes he had found. "Manifestoes!" I said, foolishly frightened. "Do you mean to say you..." "Oh, ten were left here," he answered with vexation (he talked to me at one moment in a vexed and haughty tone and at the next with dreadful plaintiveness and humiliation), "but I had disposed of eight already, and Blum only found two." And he suddenly flushed with indignation. "_Vous me mettez avec ces gens-là!_ Do you suppose I could be working with those scoundrels, those anonymous libellers, with my son Pyotr Stepanovitch, _avec ces esprits forts de lâcheté?_ Oh, heavens!" "Bah! haven't they mixed you up perhaps?... But it's nonsense, it can't be so," I observed. _"Savez-vous,"_ broke from him suddenly, "I feel at moments _que je ferai là-bas quelque esclandre._ Oh, don't go away, don't leave me alone! _Ma carrière est finie aujourd'hui, je le sens._ Do you know, I might fall on somebody there and bite him, like that lieutenant." He looked at me with a strange expression--alarmed, and at the same time anxious to alarm me. He certainly was getting more and more exasperated with somebody and about something as time went on and the police-cart did not appear; he was positively wrathful. Suddenly Nastasya, who had come from the kitchen into the passage for some reason, upset a clothes-horse there. Stepan Trofimovitch trembled and turned numb with terror as he sat; but when the noise was explained, he almost shrieked at Nastasya and, stamping, drove her back to the kitchen. A minute later he said, looking at me in despair: "I am ruined! _Cher_"--he sat down suddenly beside me and looked piteously into my face--"_cher,_ it's not Siberia I am afraid of, I swear. _Oh, je vous jure!_" (Tears positively stood in his eyes.) "It's something else I fear." I saw from his expression that he wanted at last to tell me something of great importance which he had till now refrained from telling. "I am afraid of disgrace," he whispered mysteriously. "What disgrace? On the contrary! Believe me, Stepan Trofimovitch, that all this will be explained to-day and will end to your advantage...." "Are you so sure that they will pardon me?" "Pardon you? What! What a word! What have you done? I assure you you've done nothing." "_Qu'en savez-vous;_ all my life has been... _cher_... They'll remember everything... and if they find nothing, it will be _worse still_," he added all of a sudden, unexpectedly. "How do you mean it will be worse?" "It will be worse." "I don't understand." "My friend, let it be Siberia, Archangel, loss of rights--if I must perish, let me perish! But... I am afraid of something else." (Again whispering, a scared face, mystery.) "But of what? Of what?" "They'll flog me," he pronounced, looking at me with a face of despair. "Who'll flog you? What for? Where?" I cried, feeling alarmed that he was going out of his mind. "Where? Why there... where 'that's' done." "But where is it done?" "Eh, _cher,_" he whispered almost in my ear. "The floor suddenly gives way under you, you drop half through.... Every one knows that." "Legends!" I cried, guessing what he meant. "Old tales. Can you have believed them till now?" I laughed. "Tales! But there must be foundation for them; flogged men tell no tales. I've imagined it ten thousand times." "But you, why you? You've done nothing, you know." "That makes it worse. They'll find out I've done nothing and flog me for it." "And you are sure that you'll be taken to Petersburg for that." "My friend, I've told you already that I regret nothing, _ma carrière est finie._ From that hour when she said good-bye to me at Skvoreshniki my life has had no value for me... but disgrace, disgrace, _que dira-t-elle_ if she finds out?" He looked at me in despair. And the poor fellow flushed all over. I dropped my eyes too. "She'll find out nothing, for nothing will happen to you. I feel as if I were speaking to you for the first time in my life, Stepan Trofimovitch, you've astonished me so this morning." "But, my friend, this isn't fear. For even if I am pardoned, even if I am brought here and nothing is done to me--then I am undone. _Elle me soupçonnera toute sa vie_--me, me, the poet, the thinker, the man whom she has worshipped for twenty-two years!" "It will never enter her head." "It will," he whispered with profound conviction. "We've talked of it several times in Petersburg, in Lent, before we came away, when we were both afraid.... _Elle me soupçonnera toute sa vie..._ and how can I disabuse her? It won't sound likely. And in this wretched town who'd believe it, _c'est invraisemblable.... Et puis les femmes,_ she will be pleased. She will be genuinely grieved like a true friend, but secretly she will be pleased.... I shall give her a weapon against me for the rest of my life. Oh, it's all over with me! Twenty years of such perfect happiness with her... and now!" He hid his face in his hands. "Stepan Trofimovitch, oughtn't you to let Varvara Petrovna know at once of what has happened?" I suggested. "God preserve me!" he cried, shuddering and leaping up from his place. "On no account, never, after what was said at parting at Skvoreshniki--never!" His eyes flashed. We went on sitting together another hour or more, I believe, expecting something all the time--the idea had taken such hold of us. He lay down again, even closed his eyes, and lay for twenty minutes without uttering a word, so that I thought he was asleep or unconscious. Suddenly he got up impulsively, pulled the towel off his head, jumped up from the sofa, rushed to the looking-glass, with trembling hands tied his cravat, and in a voice of thunder called to Nastasya, telling her to give him his overcoat, his new hat and his stick. "I can bear no more," he said in a breaking voice. "I can't, I can't! I am going myself." "Where?" I cried, jumping up too. "To Lembke. _Cher,_ I ought, I am obliged. It's my duty. I am a citizen and a man, not a worthless chip. I have rights; I want my rights.... For twenty years I've not insisted on my rights. All my life I've neglected them criminally... but now I'll demand them. He must tell me everything--everything. He received a telegram. He dare not torture me; if so, let him arrest me, let him arrest me!" He stamped and vociferated almost with shrieks. "I approve of what you say," I said, speaking as calmly as possible, on purpose, though I was very much afraid for him. "Certainly it is better than sitting here in such misery, but I can't approve of your state of mind. Just see what you look like and in what a state you are going there! _Il faut être digne et calme avec Lembke._ You really might rush at someone there and bite him." "I am giving myself up. I am walking straight into the jaws of the lion...." "I'll go with you." "I expected no less of you, I accept your sacrifice, the sacrifice of a true friend; but only as far as the house, only as far as the house. You ought not, you have no right to compromise yourself further by being my confederate. _Oh, croyez-moi, je serai calme._ I feel that I am at this moment _à la hauteur de tout ce que il y a de plus sacré...._" "I may perhaps go into the house with you," I interrupted him. "I had a message from their stupid committee yesterday through Vysotsky that they reckon on me and invite me to the _fête_ to-morrow as one of the stewards or whatever it is... one of the six young men whose duty it is to look after the trays, wait on the ladies, take the guests to their places, and wear a rosette of crimson and white ribbon on the left shoulder. I meant to refuse, but now why shouldn't I go into the house on the excuse of seeing Yulia Mihailovna herself about it?... So we will go in together." He listened, nodding, but I think he understood nothing. We stood on the threshold. _"Cher"_--he stretched out his arm to the lamp before the ikon--"_cher,_ I have never believed in this, but... so be it, so be it!" He crossed himself. _"Allons!"_ "Well, that's better so," I thought as I went out on to the steps with him. "The fresh air will do him good on the way, and we shall calm down, turn back, and go home to bed...." But I reckoned without my host. On the way an adventure occurred which agitated Stepan Trofimovitch even more, and finally determined him to go on... so that I should never have expected of our friend so much spirit as he suddenly displayed that morning. Poor friend, kind-hearted friend! CHAPTER X. FILIBUSTERS. A FATAL MORNING I The adventure that befell us on the way was also a surprising one. But I must tell the story in due order. An hour before Stepan Trofimovitch and I came out into the street, a crowd of people, the hands from Shpigulins' factory, seventy or more in number, had been marching through the town, and had been an object of curiosity to many spectators. They walked intentionally in good order and almost in silence. Afterwards it was asserted that these seventy had been elected out of the whole number of factory hands, amounting to about nine hundred, to go to the governor and to try and get from him, in the absence of their employer, a just settlement of their grievances against the manager, who, in closing the factory and dismissing the workmen, had cheated them all in an impudent way--a fact which has since been proved conclusively. Some people still deny that there was any election of