The Small House at Allington

"I understand, Bell. I know what your foot means when it goes in that way; and you shan't do it. Come here, Bell, and let me teach you Christianity. I'm a fine sort of teacher, am I not? And I did not quite mean that." "I wish I could learn it from some one," said Bell. "There are circumstances in which what we call Christianity seems to me to be hardly possible." "When your foot goes in that way it is a very unchristian foot, and you ought to keep it still. It means anger against him, because he discovered before it was too late that he would not be happy,--that is, that he and I would not be happy together if we were married." "Don't scrutinize my foot too closely, Lily." "But your foot must bear scrutiny, and your eyes, and your voice. He was very foolish to fall in love with me. And so was I very foolish to let him love me, at a moment's notice,--without a thought as it were. I was so proud of having him, that I gave myself up to him all at once, without giving him a chance of thinking of it. In a week or two it was done. Who could expect that such an engagement should be lasting?" "And why not? That is nonsense, Lily. But we will not talk about it." "Ah, but I want to talk about it. It was as I have said, and if so, you shouldn't hate him because he did the only thing which he honestly could do when he found out his mistake." "What; become engaged again within a week!" "There had been a very old friendship, Bell; you must remember that. But I was speaking of his conduct to me, and not of his conduct to--" And then she remembered that that other lady might at this very moment possess the name which she had once been so proud to think that she would bear herself. "Bell," she said, stopping her other speech suddenly, "at what o'clock do people get married in London?" "Oh, at all manner of hours,--any time before twelve. They will be fashionable, and will be married late." "You don't think she's Mrs. Crosbie yet, then?" "Lady Alexandrina Crosbie," said Bell, shuddering. "Yes, of course; I forgot. I should so like to see her. I feel such an interest about her. I wonder what coloured hair she has. I suppose she is a sort of Juno of a woman,--very tall and handsome. I'm sure she has not got a pug-nose like me. Do you know what I should really like, only of course it's not possible;--to be godmother to his first child." "Oh, Lily!" "I should. Don't you hear me say that I know it's not possible? I'm not going up to London to ask her. She'll have all manner of grandees for her godfathers and godmothers. I wonder what those grand people are really like." "I don't think there's any difference. Look at Lady Julia." "Oh, she's not a grand person. It isn't merely having a title. Don't you remember that he told us that Mr. Palliser is about the grandest grandee of them all. I suppose people do learn to like them. He always used to say that he had been so long among people of that sort, that it would be very difficult for him to divide himself off from them. I should never have done for that kind of thing; should I?" "There is nothing I despise so much as what you call that kind of thing." "Do you? I don't. After all, think how much work they do. He used to tell me of that. They have all the governing in their hands, and get very little money for doing it." "Worse luck for the country." "The country seems to do pretty well. But you're a radical, Bell. My belief is, you wouldn't be a lady if you could help it." "I'd sooner be an honest woman." "And so you are,--my own dear, dearest, honest Bell,--and the fairest lady that I know. If I were a man, Bell, you are just the girl that I should worship." "But you are not a man; so it's no good." "But you mustn't let your foot go astray in that way; you mustn't, indeed. Somebody said, that whatever is, is right, and I declare I believe it." "I'm sometimes inclined to think, that whatever is, is wrong." "That's because you're a radical. I think I'll get up now, Bell; only it's so frightfully cold that I'm afraid." "There's a beautiful fire," said Bell. "Yes; I see. But the fire won't go all around me, like the bed does. I wish I could know the very moment when they're at the altar. It's only half-past ten yet." "I shouldn't be at all surprised if it's over." "Over! What a word that is! A thing like that is over, and then all the world cannot put it back again. What if he should be unhappy after all?" "He must take his chance," said Bell, thinking within her own mind that that chance would be a very bad one. "Of course he must take his chance. Well,--I'll get up now." And then she took her first step out into the cold world beyond her bed. "We must all take our chance. I have made up my mind that it will be at half-past eleven." When half-past eleven came, she was seated in a large easy chair over the drawing-room fire, with a little table by her side, on which a novel was lying. She had not opened her book that morning, and had been sitting for some time perfectly silent, with her eyes closed, and her watch in her hand. "Mamma," she said at last, "it is over now, I'm sure." [ILLUSTRATION: "Mamma," she said at last, "it is over now, I'm sure."] "What is over, my dear?" "He has made that lady his wife. I hope God will bless them, and I pray that they may be happy." As she spoke these words, there was an unwonted solemnity in her tone which startled Mrs. Dale and Bell. "I also will hope so," said Mrs. Dale. "And now, Lily, will it not be well that you should turn your mind away from the subject, and endeavour to think of other things?" "But I can't, mamma. It is so easy to say that; but people can't choose their own thoughts." "They can usually direct them as they will, if they make the effort." "But I can't make the effort. Indeed, I don't know why I should. It seems natural to me to think about him, and I don't suppose it can be very wrong. When you have had so deep an interest in a person, you can't drop him all of a sudden." Then there was again silence, and after a while Lily took up her novel. She made that effort of which her mother had spoken, but she made it altogether in vain. "I declare, Bell," she said, "it's the greatest rubbish I ever attempted to read." This was specially ungrateful, because Bell had recommended the book. "All the books have got to be so stupid! I think I'll read Pilgrim's Progress again." "What do you say to Robinson Crusoe?" said Bell. "Or Paul and Virginia?" said Lily. "But I believe I'll have Pilgrim's Progress. I never can understand it, but I rather think that makes it nicer." "I hate books I can't understand," said Bell. "I like a book to be clear as running water, so that the whole meaning may be seen at once." "The quick seeing of the meaning must depend a little on the reader, must it not?" said Mrs. Dale. "The reader mustn't be a fool, of course," said Bell. "But then so many readers are fools," said Lily. "And yet they get something out of their reading. Mrs. Crump is always poring over the Revelations, and nearly knows them by heart. I don't think she could interpret a single image, but she has a hazy, misty idea of the truth. That's why she likes it,--because it's too beautiful to be understood; and that's why I like Pilgrim's Progress." After which Bell offered to get the book in question. "No, not now," said Lily. "I'll go on with this, as you say it's so grand. The personages are always in their tantrums, and go on as though they were mad. Mamma, do you know where they're going for the honeymoon?" "No, my dear." "He used to talk to me about going to the lakes." And then there was another pause, during which Bell observed that her mother's face became clouded with anxiety. "But I won't think of it any more," continued Lily; "I will fix my mind to something." And then she got up from her chair. "I don't think it would have been so difficult if I had not been ill." "Of course it would not, my darling." "And I'm going to be well again now, immediately. Let me see: I was told to read Carlyle's History of the French Revolution, and I think I'll begin now." It was Crosbie who had told her to read the book, as both Bell and Mrs. Dale were well aware. "But I must put it off till I can get it down from the other house." "Jane shall fetch it, if you really want it," said Mrs. Dale. "Bell shall get it, when she goes up in the afternoon; will you, Bell? And I'll try to get on with this stuff in the meantime." Then again she sat with her eyes fixed upon the pages of the book. "I'll tell you what, mamma,--you may have some comfort in this: that when to-day's gone by, I shan't make a fuss about any other day." "Nobody thinks that you are making a fuss, Lily." "Yes, but I am. Isn't it odd, Bell, that it should take place on Valentine's day? I wonder whether it was so settled on purpose, because of the day. Oh, dear, I used to think so often of the letter that I should get from him on this day, when he would tell me that I was his valentine. Well; he's got another--valen--tine--now." So much she said with articulate voice, and then she broke down, bursting out into convulsive sobs, and crying in her mother's arms as though she would break her heart. And yet her heart was not broken, and she was still strong in that resolve which she had made, that her grief should not overpower her. As she had herself said, the thing would not have been so difficult, had she not been weakened by illness. "Lily, my darling; my poor, ill-used darling." "No, mamma, I won't be that." And she struggled grievously to get the better of the hysterical attack which had overpowered her. "I won't be regarded as ill-used; not as specially ill-used. But I am your darling, your own darling. Only I wish you'd beat me and thump me when I'm such a fool, instead of pitying me. It's a great mistake being soft to people when they make fools of themselves. There, Bell; there's your stupid book, and I won't have any more of it. I believe it was that that did it." And she pushed the book away from her. After this little scene she said no further word about Crosbie and his bride on that day, but turned the conversation towards the prospect of their new house at Guestwick. "It will be a great comfort to be nearer Dr. Crofts; won't it, Bell?" "I don't know," said Bell. "Because if we are ill, he won't have such a terrible distance to come." "That will be a comfort for him, I should think," said Bell, very demurely. In the evening the first volume of the French Revolution had been procured, and Lily stuck to her reading with laudable perseverance; till at eight her mother insisted on her going to bed, queen as she was. "I don't believe a bit, you know, that the king was such a bad man as that," she said. "I do," said Bell. "Ah, that's because you're a radical. I never will believe that kings are so much worse than other people. As for Charles the First, he was about the best man in history." This was an old subject of dispute; but Lily on the present occasion was allowed her own way,--as being an invalid. CHAPTER XLV. VALENTINE'S DAY IN LONDON. The fourteenth of February in London was quite as black, and cold, and as wintersome as it was at Allington, and was, perhaps, somewhat more melancholy in its coldness. Nevertheless Lady Alexandrina De Courcy looked as bright as bridal finery could make her, when she got out of her carriage and walked into St. James's church at eleven o'clock on that morning. It had been finally arranged that the marriage should take place in London. There were certainly many reasons which would have made a marriage from Courcy Castle more convenient. The De Courcy family