The Water-Babies: A Fairy Tale for a Land-Baby
years. Now I must go on. Dear me, while I have been talking to you, at
least nine new species have escaped me."
And on went the giant, behind before, like a bull in a china-shop, till
he ran into the steeple of the great idol temple (for they are all
idolaters in those parts, of course, else they would never be afraid of
giants), and knocked the upper half clean off, hurting himself horribly
about the small of the back.
But little he cared; for as soon as the ruins of the steeple were well
between his legs, he poked and peered among the falling stones, and
shifted his spectacles, and pulled out his pocket-magnifier, and cried--
"An entirely new Oniscus, and three obscure Podurellæ! Besides a moth
which M. le Roi des Papillons (though he, like all Frenchmen, is given
to hasty inductions) says is confined to the limits of the Glacial
Drift. This is most important!"
And down he sat on the nave of the temple (not being a man of the world)
to examine his Podurellæ. Whereon (as was to be expected) the roof caved
in bodily, smashing the idols, and sending the priests flying out of
doors and windows, like rabbits out of a burrow when a ferret goes in.
But he never heeded; for out of the dust flew a bat, and the giant had
him in a moment.
"Dear me! This is even more important! Here is a cognate species to that
which Macgilliwaukie Brown insists is confined to the Buddhist temples
of Little Thibet; and now when I look at it, it may be only a variety
produced by difference of climate!"
And having bagged his bat, up he got, and on he went; while all the
people ran, being in none the better humour for having their temple
smashed for the sake of three obscure species of Podurella, and a
Buddhist bat.
"Well," thought Tom, "this is a very pretty quarrel, with a good deal to
be said on both sides. But it is no business of mine."
And no more it was, because he was a water-baby, and had the original
sow by the right ear; which you will never have, unless you be a baby,
whether of the water, the land, or the air, matters not, provided you
can only keep on continually being a baby.
So the giant ran round after the people, and the people ran round after
the giant, and they are running unto this day for aught I know, or do
not know; and will run till either he, or they, or both, turn into
little children. And then, as Shakespeare says (and therefore it must be
true)--
"_Jack shall have Gill
Nought shall go ill
The man shall have his mare again, and all go well._"
Then Tom came to a very famous island, which was called, in the days of
the great traveller Captain Gulliver, the Isle of Laputa. But Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid has named it over again the Isle of Tomtoddies, all
heads and no bodies.
And when Tom came near it, he heard such a grumbling and grunting and
growling and wailing and weeping and whining that he thought people must
be ringing little pigs, or cropping puppies' ears, or drowning kittens:
but when he came nearer still, he began to hear words among the noise;
which was the Tomtoddies' song which they sing morning and evening, and
all night too, to their great idol Examination--
"_I can't learn my lesson: the examiner's coming!_"
And that was the only song which they knew.
And when Tom got on shore the first thing he saw was a great pillar, on
one side of which was inscribed, "Playthings not allowed here"; at which
he was so shocked that he would not stay to see what was written on the
other side. Then he looked round for the people of the island: but
instead of men, women, and children, he found nothing but turnips and
radishes, beet and mangold wurzel, without a single green leaf among
them, and half of them burst and decayed, with toadstools growing out of
them. Those which were left began crying to Tom, in half a dozen
different languages at once, and all of them badly spoken, "I can't
learn my lesson; do come and help me!" And one cried, "Can you show me
how to extract this square root?"
And another, "Can you tell me the distance between [Greek: a] Lyræ and
[Greek: b] Camelopardis?"
And another, "What is the latitude and longitude of Snooksville, in
Noman's County, Oregon, U.S.?"
And another, "What was the name of Mutius Scævola's thirteenth cousin's
grandmother's maid's cat?"
And another, "How long would it take a school-inspector of average
activity to tumble head over heels from London to York?"
And another, "Can you tell me the name of a place that nobody ever heard
of, where nothing ever happened, in a country which has not been
discovered yet?"
And another, "Can you show me how to correct this hopelessly corrupt
passage of Graidiocolosyrtus Tabenniticus, on the cause why crocodiles
have no tongues?"
And so on, and so on, and so on, till one would have thought they were
all trying for tide-waiters' places, or cornetcies in the heavy
dragoons.
"And what good on earth will it do you if I did tell you?" quoth Tom.
Well, they didn't know that: all they knew was the examiner was coming.
Then Tom stumbled on the hugest and softest nimblecomequick turnip you
ever saw filling a hole in a crop of swedes, and it cried to him, "Can
you tell me anything at all about anything you like?"
"About what?" says Tom.
"About anything you like; for as fast as I learn things I forget them
again. So my mamma says that my intellect is not adapted for methodic
science, and says that I must go in for general information."
Tom told him that he did not know general information, nor any officers
in the army; only he had a friend once that went for a drummer: but he
could tell him a great many strange things which he had seen in his
travels.
So he told him prettily enough, while the poor turnip listened very
carefully; and the more he listened, the more he forgot, and the more
water ran out of him.
Tom thought he was crying: but it was only his poor brains running away,
from being worked so hard; and as Tom talked, the unhappy turnip
streamed down all over with juice, and split and shrank till nothing was
left of him but rind and water; whereat Tom ran away in a fright, for he
thought he might be taken up for killing the turnip.
But, on the contrary, the turnip's parents were highly delighted, and
considered him a saint and a martyr, and put up a long inscription over
his tomb about his wonderful talents, early development, and
unparalleled precocity. Were they not a foolish couple? But there was a
still more foolish couple next to them, who were beating a wretched
little radish, no bigger than my thumb, for sullenness and obstinacy and
wilful stupidity, and never knew that the reason why it couldn't learn
or hardly even speak was, that there was a great worm inside it eating
out all its brains. But even they are no foolisher than some hundred
score of papas and mammas, who fetch the rod when they ought to fetch a
new toy, and send to the dark cupboard instead of to the doctor.
Tom was so puzzled and frightened with all he saw, that he was longing
to ask the meaning of it; and at last he stumbled over a respectable
old stick lying half covered with earth. But a very stout and worthy
stick it was, for it belonged to good Roger Ascham in old time, and had
carved on its head King Edward the Sixth, with the Bible in his hand.
"You see," said the stick, "there were as pretty little children once as
you could wish to see, and might have been so still if they had been
only left to grow up like human beings, and then handed over to me; but
their foolish fathers and mothers, instead of letting them pick flowers,
and make dirt-pies, and get birds' nests, and dance round the gooseberry
bush, as little children should, kept them always at lessons, working,
working, working, learning week-day lessons all week-days, and Sunday
lessons all Sunday, and weekly examinations every Saturday, and monthly
examinations every month, and yearly examinations every year, everything
seven times over, as if once was not enough, and enough as good as a
feast--till their brains grew big, and their bodies grew small, and they
were all changed into turnips, with little but water inside; and still
their foolish parents actually pick the leaves off them as fast as they
grow, lest they should have anything green about them."
"Ah!" said Tom, "if dear Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby knew of it she would
send them a lot of tops, and balls, and marbles, and ninepins, and make
them all as jolly as sand-boys."
"It would be no use," said the stick. "They can't play now, if they
tried. Don't you see how their legs have turned to roots and grown into
the ground, by never taking any exercise, but sapping and moping always
in the same place? But here comes the Examiner-of-all-Examiners. So you
had better get away, I warn you, or he will examine you and your dog
into the bargain, and set him to examine all the other dogs, and you to
examine all the other water-babies. There is no escaping out of his
hands, for his nose is nine thousand miles long, and can go down
chimneys, and through keyholes, upstairs, downstairs, in my lady's
chamber, examining all little boys, and the little boys' tutors
likewise. But when he is thrashed--so Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid has promised
me--I shall have the thrashing of him: and if I don't lay it on with a
will it's a pity."
Tom went off: but rather slowly and surlily; for he was somewhat minded
to face this same Examiner-of-all-Examiners, who came striding among the
poor turnips, binding heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and laying
them on little children's shoulders, like the Scribes and Pharisees of
old, and not touching the same with one of his fingers; for he had
plenty of money, and a fine house to live in, and so forth; which was
more than the poor little turnips had.
But when he got near, he looked so big and burly and dictatorial, and
shouted so loud to Tom, to come and be examined, that Tom ran for his
life, and the dog too. And really it was time; for the poor turnips, in
their hurry and fright, crammed themselves so fast to be ready for the
Examiner, that they burst and popped by dozens all round him, till the
place sounded like Aldershot on a field-day, and Tom thought he should
be blown into the air, dog and all.
As he went down to the shore he passed the poor turnip's new tomb. But
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid had taken away the epitaph about talents and
precocity and development, and put up one of her own instead which Tom
thought much more sensible:--
"_Instruction sore long time I bore,
And cramming was in vain;
Till heaven did please my woes to ease
With water on the brain._"
So Tom jumped into the sea, and swam on his way, singing:--
"_Farewell, Tomtoddies all; I thank my stars
That nought I know save those three royal r's:
Reading and riting sure, with rithmetick,
Will help a lad of sense through thin and thick._"
Whereby you may see that Tom was no poet: but no more was John Bunyan,
though he was as wise a man as you will meet in a month of Sundays.
And next he came to Oldwivesfabledom, where the folks were all heathens,
and worshipped a howling ape.
And there he found a little boy sitting in the middle of the road, and
crying bitterly.
"What are you crying for?" said Tom.
"Because I am not as frightened as I could wish to be."
"Not frightened? You are a queer little chap: but, if you want to be
frightened, here goes--Boo!"
"Ah," said the little boy, "that is very kind of you; but I don't feel
that it has made any impression."
Tom offered to upset him, punch him, stamp on him, fettle him over the
head with a brick, or anything else whatsoever which would give him the
slightest comfort.