The Wind in the Willows
bold as you please. The sentries were on the look-out, of course, with
their guns and their ‘Who comes there?’ and all the rest of their
nonsense. ‘Good morning, gentlemen!’ says I, very respectful. ‘Want any
washing done to-day?’
“They looked at me very proud and stiff and haughty, and said, ‘Go
away, washerwoman! We don’t do any washing on duty.’ ‘Or any other
time?’ says I. Ho, ho, ho! Wasn’t I _funny_, Toad?”
“Poor, frivolous animal!” said Toad, very loftily. The fact is, he felt
exceedingly jealous of Mole for what he had just done. It was exactly
what he would have liked to have done himself, if only he had thought
of it first, and hadn’t gone and overslept himself.
“Some of the stoats turned quite pink,” continued the Mole, “and the
Sergeant in charge, he said to me, very short, he said, ‘Now run away,
my good woman, run away! Don’t keep my men idling and talking on their
posts.’ ‘Run away?’ says I; ‘it won’t be me that’ll be running away, in
a very short time from now!’”
“O _Moly_, how could you?” said the Rat, dismayed.
The Badger laid down his paper.
“I could see them pricking up their ears and looking at each other,”
went on the Mole; “and the Sergeant said to them, ‘Never mind _her;_
she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.’”
“‘O! don’t I?’” said I. “‘Well, let me tell you this. My daughter, she
washes for Mr. Badger, and that’ll show you whether I know what I’m
talking about; and _you’ll_ know pretty soon, too! A hundred
bloodthirsty badgers, armed with rifles, are going to attack Toad Hall
this very night, by way of the paddock. Six boatloads of Rats, with
pistols and cutlasses, will come up the river and effect a landing in
the garden; while a picked body of Toads, known at the Die-hards, or
the Death-or-Glory Toads, will storm the orchard and carry everything
before them, yelling for vengeance. There won’t be much left of you to
wash, by the time they’ve done with you, unless you clear out while you
have the chance!’ Then I ran away, and when I was out of sight I hid;
and presently I came creeping back along the ditch and took a peep at
them through the hedge. They were all as nervous and flustered as could
be, running all ways at once, and falling over each other, and every
one giving orders to everybody else and not listening; and the Sergeant
kept sending off parties of stoats to distant parts of the grounds, and
then sending other fellows to fetch ’em back again; and I heard them
saying to each other, ‘That’s just like the weasels; they’re to stop
comfortably in the banqueting-hall, and have feasting and toasts and
songs and all sorts of fun, while we must stay on guard in the cold and
the dark, and in the end be cut to pieces by bloodthirsty Badgers!”’
“Oh, you silly ass, Mole!” cried Toad, “You’ve been and spoilt
everything!”
“Mole,” said the Badger, in his dry, quiet way, “I perceive you have
more sense in your little finger than some other animals have in the
whole of their fat bodies. You have managed excellently, and I begin to
have great hopes of you. Good Mole! Clever Mole!”
The Toad was simply wild with jealousy, more especially as he couldn’t
make out for the life of him what the Mole had done that was so
particularly clever; but, fortunately for him, before he could show
temper or expose himself to the Badger’s sarcasm, the bell rang for
luncheon.
It was a simple but sustaining meal—bacon and broad beans, and a
macaroni pudding; and when they had quite done, the Badger settled
himself into an arm-chair, and said, “Well, we’ve got our work cut out
for us to-night, and it will probably be pretty late before we’re quite
through with it; so I’m just going to take forty winks, while I can.”
And he drew a handkerchief over his face and was soon snoring.
The anxious and laborious Rat at once resumed his preparations, and
started running between his four little heaps, muttering,
“Here’s-a-belt-for-the-Rat, here’s-a-belt-for-the-Mole,
here’s-a-belt-for-the-Toad, here’s-a-belt-for-the-Badger!” and so on,
with every fresh accoutrement he produced, to which there seemed really
no end; so the Mole drew his arm through Toad’s, led him out into the
open air, shoved him into a wicker chair, and made him tell him all his
adventures from beginning to end, which Toad was only too willing to
do. The Mole was a good listener, and Toad, with no one to check his
statements or to criticise in an unfriendly spirit, rather let himself
go. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly to the category
of what-might-have-happened-had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-time-instead-of
ten-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best and the raciest
adventures; and why should they not be truly ours, as much as the
somewhat inadequate things that really come off?
XII.
THE RETURN OF ULYSSES
When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement and
mystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of them up
alongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them up for the
coming expedition. He was very earnest and thoroughgoing about it, and
the affair took quite a long time. First, there was a belt to go round
each animal, and then a sword to be stuck into each belt, and then a
cutlass on the other side to balance it. Then a pair of pistols, a
policeman’s truncheon, several sets of handcuffs, some bandages and
sticking-plaster, and a flask and a sandwich-case. The Badger laughed
good-humouredly and said, “All right, Ratty! It amuses you and it
doesn’t hurt me. I’m going to do all I’ve got to do with this here
stick.” But the Rat only said, “_please_, Badger. You know I shouldn’t
like you to blame me afterwards and say I had forgotten _anything!_”
When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one paw,
grasped his great stick with the other, and said, “Now then, follow me!
Mole first, “cos I’m very pleased with him; Rat next; Toad last. And
look here, Toady! Don’t you chatter so much as usual, or you’ll be sent
back, as sure as fate!”
The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the inferior
position assigned to him without a murmur, and the animals set off. The
Badger led them along by the river for a little way, and then suddenly
swung himself over the edge into a hole in the river-bank, a little
above the water. The Mole and the Rat followed silently, swinging
themselves successfully into the hole as they had seen the Badger do;
but when it came to Toad’s turn, of course he managed to slip and fall
into the water with a loud splash and a squeal of alarm. He was hauled
out by his friends, rubbed down and wrung out hastily, comforted, and
set on his legs; but the Badger was seriously angry, and told him that
the very next time he made a fool of himself he would most certainly be
left behind.
So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-out
expedition had really begun!
It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor Toad
began to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before him, partly
because he was wet through. The lantern was far ahead, and he could not
help lagging behind a little in the darkness. Then he heard the Rat
call out warningly, “_Come_ on, Toad!” and a terror seized him of being
left behind, alone in the darkness, and he “came on” with such a rush
that he upset the Rat into the Mole and the Mole into the Badger, and
for a moment all was confusion. The Badger thought they were being
attacked from behind, and, as there was no room to use a stick or a
cutlass, drew a pistol, and was on the point of putting a bullet into
Toad. When he found out what had really happened he was very angry
indeed, and said, “Now this time that tiresome Toad _shall_ be left
behind!”
But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would be
answerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was pacified,
and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat brought up the
rear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.
So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up and their
paws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, “We ought by now
to be pretty nearly under the Hall.”
Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet apparently
nearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound, as if people were
shouting and cheering and stamping on the floor and hammering on
tables. The Toad’s nervous terrors all returned, but the Badger only
remarked placidly, “They _are_ going it, the Weasels!”
The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a little
further, and then the noise broke out again, quite distinct this time,
and very close above them. “Ooo-ray-ooray-oo-ray-ooray!” they heard,
and the stamping of little feet on the floor, and the clinking of
glasses as little fists pounded on the table. “_What_ a time they’re
having!” said the Badger. “Come on!” They hurried along the passage
till it came to a full stop, and they found themselves standing under
the trap-door that led up into the butler’s pantry.
Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that there
was little danger of their being overheard. The Badger said, “Now,
boys, all together!” and the four of them put their shoulders to the
trap-door and heaved it back. Hoisting each other up, they found
themselves standing in the pantry, with only a door between them and
the banqueting-hall, where their unconscious enemies were carousing.
The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply deafening. At
last, as the cheering and hammering slowly subsided, a voice could be
made out saying, “Well, I do not propose to detain you much
longer”—(great applause)—“but before I resume my seat”—(renewed
cheering)—“I should like to say one word about our kind host, Mr. Toad.
We all know Toad!”—(great laughter)—“_Good_ Toad, _modest_ Toad,
_honest_ Toad!” (shrieks of merriment).
“Only just let me get at him!” muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.
“Hold hard a minute!” said the Badger, restraining him with difficulty.
“Get ready, all of you!”
“—Let me sing you a little song,” went on the voice, “which I have
composed on the subject of Toad”—(prolonged applause).
Then the Chief Weasel—for it was he—began in a high, squeaky voice—
“Toad he went a-pleasuring
Gaily down the street—”
The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with both
paws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried—
“The hour is come! Follow me!”
And flung the door open wide.
My!
What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!
Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring madly
up at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for the fireplace
and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well might tables and chairs
be upset, and glass and china be sent crashing on the floor, in the
panic of that terrible moment when the four Heroes strode wrathfully
into the room! The mighty Badger, his whiskers bristling, his great
cudgel whistling through the air; Mole, black and grim, brandishing his
stick and shouting his awful war-cry, “A Mole! A Mole!” Rat; desperate
and determined, his belt bulging with weapons of every age and every
variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement and injured pride, swollen to
twice his ordinary size, leaping into the air and emitting Toad-whoops
that chilled them to the marrow! “Toad he went a-pleasuring!” he
yelled. “_I’ll_ pleasure ’em!” and he went straight for the Chief
Weasel. They were but four in all, but to the panic-stricken weasels
the hall seemed full of monstrous animals, grey, black, brown and
yellow, whooping and flourishing enormous cudgels; and they broke and
fled with squeals of terror and dismay, this way and that, through the