Twelfth Night
Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN.
Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to
death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY.
Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter
come by some notable shame?
FABIAN.
I would exult, man. You know he brought me out o’ favour with my lady
about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY.
To anger him we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and
blue, shall we not, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW.
And we do not, it is pity of our lives.
Enter Maria.
SIR TOBY.
Here comes the little villain. How now, my metal of India?
MARIA.
Get ye all three into the box-tree. Malvolio’s coming down this walk;
he has been yonder i’ the sun practising behaviour to his own shadow
this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this
letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of
jesting! [_The men hide themselves._] Lie thou there; [_Throws down a
letter_] for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
[_Exit Maria._]
Enter Malvolio.
MALVOLIO.
’Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me,
and I have heard herself come thus near, that should she fancy, it
should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
exalted respect than anyone else that follows her. What should I think
on’t?
SIR TOBY.
Here’s an overweening rogue!
FABIAN.
O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets
under his advanced plumes!
SIR ANDREW.
’Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
SIR TOBY.
Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO.
To be Count Malvolio.
SIR TOBY.
Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW.
Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY.
Peace, peace.
MALVOLIO.
There is example for’t. The lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of
the wardrobe.
SIR ANDREW.
Fie on him, Jezebel!
FABIAN.
O, peace! now he’s deeply in; look how imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO.
Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state—
SIR TOBY.
O for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO.
Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown; having come
from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping.
SIR TOBY.
Fire and brimstone!
FABIAN.
O, peace, peace.
MALVOLIO.
And then to have the humour of state; and after a demure travel of
regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs,
to ask for my kinsman Toby.
SIR TOBY.
Bolts and shackles!
FABIAN.
O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.
MALVOLIO.
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown
the while, and perchance wind up my watch, or play with some rich
jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies there to me—
SIR TOBY.
Shall this fellow live?
FABIAN.
Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace!
MALVOLIO.
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an
austere regard of control—
SIR TOBY.
And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then?
MALVOLIO.
Saying ‘Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece, give me
this prerogative of speech—’
SIR TOBY.
What, what?
MALVOLIO.
‘You must amend your drunkenness.’
SIR TOBY.
Out, scab!
FABIAN.
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO.
‘Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight—’
SIR ANDREW.
That’s me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO.
‘One Sir Andrew.’
SIR ANDREW.
I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO.
[_Taking up the letter._] What employment have we here?
FABIAN.
Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY.
O, peace! And the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to him!
MALVOLIO.
By my life, this is my lady’s hand: these be her very C’s, her U’s, and
her T’s, and thus makes she her great P’s. It is in contempt of
question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW.
Her C’s, her U’s, and her T’s. Why that?
MALVOLIO.
[_Reads._] _To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes._ Her very
phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with
which she uses to seal: ’tis my lady. To whom should this be?
FABIAN.
This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO.
[_Reads._]
_ Jove knows I love,
But who?
Lips, do not move,
No man must know._
‘No man must know.’ What follows? The numbers alter’d! ‘No man must
know.’—If this should be thee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY.
Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO.
_ I may command where I adore,
But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;
M.O.A.I. doth sway my life._
FABIAN.
A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY.
Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO.
‘M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.’—Nay, but first let me see, let me see,
let me see.
FABIAN.
What dish o’ poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY.
And with what wing the staniel checks at it!
MALVOLIO.
‘I may command where I adore.’ Why, she may command me: I serve her,
she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity. There is
no obstruction in this. And the end—what should that alphabetical
position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me!
Softly! ‘M.O.A.I.’—
SIR TOBY.
O, ay, make up that:—he is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN.
Sowter will cry upon’t for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.
MALVOLIO.
‘M’—Malvolio; ‘M!’ Why, that begins my name!
FABIAN.
Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults.
MALVOLIO.
‘M’—But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under
probation: ‘A’ should follow, but ‘O’ does.
FABIAN.
And ‘O’ shall end, I hope.
SIR TOBY.
Ay, or I’ll cudgel him, and make him cry ‘O!’
MALVOLIO.
And then ‘I’ comes behind.
FABIAN.
Ay, and you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at
your heels than fortunes before you.
MALVOLIO.
‘M.O.A.I.’ This simulation is not as the former: and yet, to crush this
a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my
name. Soft, here follows prose.
[_Reads._] _If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above
thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em. Thy fates open
their hands, let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure
thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear
fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants. Let thy tongue
tang arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity. She
thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say,
remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so. If not, let
me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to
touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with
thee,
The Fortunate Unhappy._
Daylight and champian discovers not more! This is open. I will be
proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash
off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the very man. I do not
now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites
to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this she
manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me
to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be
strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the
swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised!—Here is yet a
postscript. [_Reads._] _Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If
thou entertain’st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles
become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet,
I prithee._ Jove, I thank thee. I will smile, I will do everything that
thou wilt have me.
[_Exit._]
FABIAN.
I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be
paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY.
I could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW.
So could I too.
SIR TOBY.
And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
Enter Maria.
SIR ANDREW.
Nor I neither.
FABIAN.
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
SIR TOBY.
Wilt thou set thy foot o’ my neck?
SIR ANDREW.
Or o’ mine either?
SIR TOBY.
Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave?
SIR ANDREW.
I’ faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY.
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it
leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA.
Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY.
Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
MARIA.
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach
before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a
colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he
will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her
disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot
but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY.
To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW.
I’ll make one too.
[_Exeunt._]
ACT III.
SCENE I. Olivia’s garden.
Enter Viola and Clown with a tabor.
VIOLA.
Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor?
CLOWN.
No, sir, I live by the church.
VIOLA.
Art thou a churchman?
CLOWN.
No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for I do live at my
house, and my house doth stand by the church.
VIOLA.
So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near
him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the
church.
CLOWN.
You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev’ril glove
to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!
VIOLA.
Nay, that’s certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make
them wanton.
CLOWN.
I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.
VIOLA.
Why, man?
CLOWN.
Why, sir, her name’s a word; and to dally with that word might make my
sister wanton. But indeed, words are very rascals, since bonds
disgraced them.
VIOLA.
Thy reason, man?
CLOWN.
Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so
false, I am loath to prove reason with them.
VIOLA.
I warrant thou art a merry fellow, and car’st for nothing.
CLOWN.
Not so, sir, I do care for something. But in my conscience, sir, I do
not care for you. If that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would
make you invisible.
VIOLA.
Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s fool?
CLOWN.
No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no fool,
sir, till she be married, and fools are as like husbands as pilchards
are to herrings, the husband’s the bigger. I am indeed not her fool,
but her corrupter of words.
VIOLA.
I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s.
CLOWN.
Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines
everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with
your master as with my mistress. I think I saw your wisdom there.
VIOLA.
Nay, and thou pass upon me, I’ll no more with thee. Hold, there’s
expenses for thee.
CLOWN.
Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
VIOLA.
By my troth, I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one, though I would
not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?
CLOWN.
Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?
VIOLA.
Yes, being kept together, and put to use.
CLOWN.
I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this
Troilus.
VIOLA.
I understand you, sir; ’tis well begged.
CLOWN.
The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida