Twenty Years of Hus'ling
He then stepped forward, and taking me by the hand, said:
"Young man, I can't remember of ever before asking a man to drink with
me who abruptly refused; and I consider yours an exceptionally rare
case, considering that I had just done you a favor, and would hardly
expect you to refuse. Now, sir, although you are a much younger man than
I am, your conduct in this particular instance will do me a world of
good; and although you are not worth a single dollar to-day, if you will
always refrain from drinking, keep your head level and attend to
business, you will be a rich man some day. Now, remember what I tell
you."
I told him if I met with the same success in the future as in the past,
I felt certain of the need of a level head to manage my business.
He assured me that no matter what the past had been,--the more rocky it
had been, the smoother the future would be.
I worked in Adrian about two weeks, meeting with splendid success, which
of course enabled me to return the two dollars to my newly-made friend.
From there I went to Hillsdale, and at a drug store kept by French &
Son, I bought the ingredients for the manufacture of my polish.
It was my custom to take down the names of every housekeeper who
patronized me, and read them to the next person I called upon.
When I started out in the morning, on my first day's work, Mr. French's
son laughed at me, and said he guessed I wouldn't sell much of my dope
in that town.
On returning to the store at noon he inquired with considerable
interest how business was.
I reported the sale of over a dozen bottles,--small ones at fifty cents
and large ones at one dollar. He seemed to doubt my word, and asked to
see my list of names. I read them to him, and as we came to the name of
Mrs. French he threw up both hands and said:
"I'll bet you never sold her a bottle. Why, she is my mother!"
"No matter if she is your grandmother; I sold her one of the dollar
bottles."
He cried out:
"Great Heavens! father, come here and see what this man has done. He has
sold mother a four-ounce bottle of dope for a dollar, that he buys from
us by the gallon!"
Mr. French, Sr. said he guessed there must be some mistake about that. I
assured him it was true.
Then the young man suddenly exclaimed:
"See here, I wish you would go to my house and see if you can sell my
wife a bottle. She always prides herself on getting rid of agents."
"Well, I wonder if your mother doesn't think she can 'fire them out'
pretty well, too?" inquired the father.
"Yes, but I'll bet he can't sell to my wife," ejaculated the young man.
"Tell me where you live."
He pointed out the house, and said he would not go to dinner till I
reported.
I made the call, and returned in about thirty minutes with two dollars
of his wife's money. She had taken one bottle for herself and one for
her mother-in-law, Mrs. French.
This greatly pleased both the young man and his father; and the latter
said it was worth ten times the price to them, as they would now have a
case to present to their wives that would ever after cure them of
patronizing agents.
I assured them that their wives had actually purchased an article
superior to anything they could produce. They said it didn't matter--it
had all come from their store, if they didn't know how to make it.
CHAPTER XIX.
MY CO-PARTNERSHIP WITH A CLAIRVOYANT DOCTOR--OUR LIVELY TRIP FROM
YPSILANTI TO PONTIAC, MICHIGAN--POOR SUCCESS--THE DOCTOR AND HIS IRISH
PATIENT--MY PRESCRIPTION FOR THE DEAF WOMAN--COLLAPSED, AND IN DEBT FOR
BOARD.
I remained at this town about a fortnight, when I received a letter from
an old acquaintance then in Toledo, Ohio, but who had formerly practiced
medicine in Bronson, Michigan.
He urged me to join him at once, to take an interest in the most
gigantic scheme ever conceived.
The Doctor was a veritable Colonel Sellers.
His hair and moustache were snowy white.
He wore a pair of gold spectacles, and carried a gold-headed cane; and
altogether, was quite a distinguished-looking individual.
He was of a nervous temperament--quick in action and speech; and would
swear like a pirate, and spin around like a jumping-jack when agitated
in the least.
I took the first train for Toledo, and was soon ushered into the
Doctor's private room at the hotel. Without any preliminaries he said to
me:
"Well sir, Johnston, I'm a Clairvoyant--a Clairvoyant, sir. By laying my
hands on the table, in this manner, I can tell a lady just how old she
is, how long she has been married, how many children she has, and if she
is ailing I can tell just what her complaint is, and how long she has
been sick, and all about her."
"Can't you tell as much about a man as you can about a woman?"
"Well, ---- it, I s'pose I can, all but the children part of it."
He wanted me to act as his agent, and I should have half the profits.
We decided to go through Michigan. I wrote up a circular, and sent a
notice to a couple of towns to be printed in their local papers.
The Doctor said he would pay all expenses till we got started;
consequently I sent what money I had to my wife.
We visited several towns, meeting with no success and constantly running
behind--principally on account of the Doctor's lack of proficiency as a
Clairvoyant.
I was anxious to return to my furniture polish, but the Doctor would
have nothing of the kind. He declared himself a gentleman of too much
refinement and dignity to allow a man in his company to descend to
peddling from house to house.
I concluded to stay with him till his money gave out.
At Ypsilanti our business, as usual, was a total failure. The Doctor
said he knew of a town where we would be sure to meet with the grandest
success. The name of the town was Pontiac.
I at once sent notices to the papers there, and some circulars to the
landlord of one of the hotels, announcing the early arrival of the
celebrated Clairvoyant physician, Doctor ----.
The Doctor was so very sanguine of success in this particular town, that
we built our hopes on making a small fortune in a very short time.
Consequently we talked about it a great deal.
Whenever it became necessary to speak of Pontiac, I found it almost
impossible to remember the name; but the name Pocahontas would
invariably come to my mind in its stead.
This caused me so much annoyance that I proposed to the doctor that we
call it thus. This he agreed to, and thereafter Pontiac was dead to us,
and Pocahontas arose from its ashes. We very soon became so accustomed
to the change as to be unable to think of the right name when necessary
to do so.
When we were ready to leave Ypsilanti we walked to the depot, not, of
course, because it expensive to ride, but just for exercise, "you know."
On our way, the Doctor happened to think that we must leave orders at
the post office to have our mail forwarded.
I accompanied him there. He stepped up to the delivery window and said:
"My name is Doctor ----. If any mail comes for me here, please forward it
to Pocahontas."
"Pocahontas?" the clerk queried.
"Yes sir, Pocahontas, Michigan."
"I guess you're mistaken, Doctor,--at least I----"
"Not by a dang sight! I guess I know where I am going," was the Doctor's
answer.
I began laughing, and started to leave, when the Doctor saw his blunder
and said, excitedly:
"No, no! My mistake; my mistake, Mr. clerk. I mean--I mean--dang
it!--Dod blast it! what do I mean?--Where am I going? Where the devil
is it? Why you know, don't you? Dang it! where is it? Johnston, you
devilish fool! come and tell this man the name of that cussed town. Why
it's Poca--no, no; here, Johnston, I knew you would make consummate
fools of us. I knew it all the time."
By this time several people had gathered about, and were interested
listeners, while the clerk gazed through the window with a look of
sympathy for the man he no doubt thought insane.
I couldn't, to save me, think of the right name, and immediately started
towards the depot, leaving the Doctor to settle the mail matter.
Directly he came tearing down the street, up to where I stood.
I was laughing immoderately at his blunder. He threw down his old
valise, and said:
"You are a ---- smart man, you are! Just see what a cussed fool you made
of yourself and----"
"Well," I interrupted, "never mind me, Doctor, how did it happen that
you didn't make a fool of _yourself_?"
"I did; I did, sir, until I explained what an infernal fool you were."
"Did you finally think of the right name?"
"Think of it? No! Of course I didn't think of it, you idiot. I have no
idea of ever getting it right again."
We had to go to Detroit, and there change cars for our destination. On
our way there the Doctor took matters very seriously, and said I was
just one of that kind that was always doing something to make an
everlasting fool of myself and every one else.
When we arrived at Detroit he handed me the money for our fare.
We walked to the ticket office, and I laid down the money and said: "Two
tickets to Pocahontas."
"Poca--what?" said the agent, "Where in the deuce is that?"
I turned to the Doctor and said:
"Great Heavens! Where are we going? Tell me the name."
"Oh, you cussed fool, you ought to be dumped into the Detroit River! See
what you have done!"
At this he began to prance around, tearing backwards and forwards and
swearing at the top of his voice, calling me all manner of names, and at
last said to the agent:
"We are both infernal fools, and don't know where we _are_ going; but no
one is to blame but that idiot over there," pointing to me.
I then said to the people gathered around, looking on with a mixture of
surprise and curiosity:
"Gentlemen, we are on our way to some town with an Indian name."
One man suggested Ypsilanti.
"Oh, Ypsilanti!" the Doctor shrieked. "That's where we came from."
Another said Pontiac.
"There, there, that's it!" the Doctor cried. "Now buy your tickets, and
let's go aboard the train before we get locked up!"
I secured the tickets, making sure that they read PONTIAC, and we
boarded the train.
The Doctor took a seat by himself, and while sitting there, looked at me
over his spectacles, with his plug hat on the back of his head, and his
chin resting on his cane. He continued to make the atmosphere blue, in a
quiet way, and repeatedly referred to the fact that we must certainly
have appeared like two very brilliant traveling men.
I was beginning to feel that I had caused considerable trouble and
humiliation.
Suddenly the Doctor jumped to his feet, and starting from the car on a
run, cried out:
"Good ----! I haven't re-checked my trunk."
I ran after him. He made a bee line for the baggage room, and rushing up
to the counter, threw down his check and yelled:
"For ----'s sake, hurry up and re-check my trunk before the train
leaves."
"Where to?" asked the baggage-man.
"To Pocahontas!" screamed the Doctor.
"Poca-the-devil!" said the agent.
Then began a genuine circus. Neither of us could think of the right
name, and the train was to leave in less than three minutes.
The Doctor began to hop up and down, swearing like a trooper, swinging
his cane and looking at me, and cried out at the very top of his voice:
"Tell the man where we're going, you idiotic fool! You're to blame, and
you ought to have your infernal neck broken. Why don't you tell the man?
Tell him--tell him, you idiot! Great ----! if that train leaves us,
I'll----"
The threat was interrupted by the baggage-man putting his head through
the window and saying:
"There's an Insane Asylum being built at Pontiac. Perhaps that's
where--"
"That's the place--that's where we want to go. Check 'er, check 'er,