Twenty Years of Hus'ling
check 'er quick!" the Doctor yelled. Then turning to me said:
"There! you infernal fool, now I hope you feel satisfied," and in a low
tone said:
"Look at this crowd of people you have attracted here."
"Well, what's the difference? They'll think I am taking you to the
Insane Asylum, so that lets us out."
"The devil they will! They'll think it's you that's crazy. Didn't I tell
them you were a fool?"
The trunk was put on none too soon, and the Doctor continued to abuse me
to his heart's content during nearly the whole distance.
I was too much pleased to do anything but laugh; and what made it more
ridiculous to me, was that the Doctor could see nothing funny about it,
and never cracked a smile. He kept harping on the undignified position
it had placed him in. I remained quiet, and let him cuss, till at last
he quieted down. A few moments later the conductor passed through the
car, and the Doctor, looking up over his spectacles, said:
"Conductor, aren't we almost to Pocahantas?"
"Almost where?"
"I mean--I mean, well dang it! never mind, never mind," he stammered.
At this, he jumped to his feet, starting for the front car, turned and
looked at me, and while shaking his cane, yelled as he passed out:
"Laugh! you infernal fool, laugh!" And the door slammed.
On arriving at Pontiac, just as the train was stopping I looked into the
front car and saw the Doctor rising from his seat. I opened the door,
and changing the tone of my voice, sang out, "POCAHONTAS!" and dodged
back into the car and took my seat.
The Doctor came out onto the platform, and looking in, saw me sitting
there, apparently asleep.
He opened the door and said:
"Come on, Johnston; we are at Poca--come on--come on, you dang fool;
don't you know where we are?"
I jumped to my feet and went out sleepily, rubbing my eyes, and told him
I was glad he woke me up.
"Yes, I should think you would be; but I was a fool that I didn't let
you stay there. The devil knows where you would have landed."
I suggested that I might have brought up at Pocahontas.
"Great Heavens! don't mention that name to me again."
After registering at the hotel and settling in a room we began
discussing our prospects. But in a few minutes the Doctor said:
"Johnston, we have simply raised the devil."
"How so?"
"Why, do you know, the whole dang Railroad company have got to calling
this town Pocahontas!"
"I guess not."
"But, by the Eternal Gods! I know it is so. When our train stopped at
the depot, the brake-man opened the door and yelled, 'Pocahontas!' at
the top of his voice."
"O, thunder! Doctor; you have been so excited all night that you
couldn't tell what he called."
"I couldn't?" he thundered out. "Don't you s'pose I could tell the
difference between Pocahontas and--and--well, Johnston, you cussed fool,
I'll never be able to call this infernal town by its right name again. I
am going to retire."
We remained at that hotel but one day, not being able to make
satisfactory rates, besides being dunned for our board in advance.
We then called on an elderly widow lady who was running a fourth-class
hotel. She seemed favorably impressed with the Doctor, which fact made
us feel quite comfortable, for the time being.
I "hus'led" out with a lot of hand-bills, which I scattered over the
town, and returned to the hotel to await results.
The first afternoon there came a middle-aged Irish woman to consult the
doctor while in a Clairvoyant state. He seated her opposite himself, put
his hands on the table, looked wise, and began:
"Madam you have been married several years, and have three children. You
are forty-six years of age, have been afflicted several years, and have
a cancer in the stomach. It will cost you twenty dollars for medicine
enough to last you----"
"To last me a life-time, I s'pose," she cried out, and continued:
"Docther, me dear old man, you're an old jackass! a hombug, a hypocrite
and an imposcher! Sure, I niver had a married husband, and a divil of a
choild am I the mither of. I am liss than thirty-foive, and a healthier,
more robust picture of humanity niver stood before your domm miserable
gaze! The cancer in me stomick is no more nor _liss_ than a pain in me
left shoulder, which any domn fool of a docther wud know was the
rheumatics. To the divil wid yer domned impostorousness and highfalutin
hombuggery! Good day, Docther, darlint; good day. May the divil
transmogrify you into a less pretentious individual, wid more brains and
a domm sight less impecuniosity!"
Our landlady had converted the up-stairs sitting room into a reception
room and private office for the Doctor, by drawing a heavy curtain as a
partition. It was my duty to remain in the reception half of the room to
entertain the callers, while the Doctor was occupied in the consultation
half, with the patient. Therefore I had a grand opportunity to witness
the scene with our Celtic patient, by peeking between the curtains.
The Doctor was fairly paralyzed, and had a ghastly, sickening expression
of countenance during the interview.
He made no attempt to speak further.
As she passed out and slammed the door behind her, I opened the curtains
and cried out:
"CHANGE CARS FOR POCAHONTAS!"
The Doctor began to rave and plunge and swear by note.
He said I had no better sense than to try to make a curiosity of him,
and I would make a ---- sight better blower for a side-show than
traveling agent for a celebrated physician; and that if I had the pluck
of a sick kitten, I would have thrown that old Irish woman out, rather
than sit there and snicker at her tirade and abuse of him.
In a few minutes a lady of German extraction called. The Doctor was in
no very fit condition of mind to go into a state of Clairvoyance.
With the excuse that business was too pressing to take time to do so, he
asked the lady to explain her affliction. In broken English she said:
"Obber you don't kan do vat you vas advertisement, I go."
"Well, dang it, sit down, then," growled the Doctor; and placing a chair
for her, came to the partition and said to me, in an undertone:
"Now, you blamed fool, if you can't be dignified you had better leave."
"All right, Doctor; but you may need me to throw her out, so I'll stay."
He rejoined his patient and went through with his usual mysterious
performances, and said;
"Madam, you are of German descent."
"Yah, yah, das ish so," she answered.
"Your weight is about two hundred pounds," was his next venture.
"Yah, yah; das ish so too," she replied. "How you vas know all dem
tings?"
"You are not married----"
"Vas?" she began, almost terror-stricken.
"---- long," he interposed.
"Oh, you mean not married long time, Doctor? Das ist schust right."
"You are twenty-two years of age, and the mother of one child," he next
ventured.
"How you vas know all dot?" she asked, excitedly.
"You can be cured, madam; but it will take some little time to do it,
and you must take my medicine exactly as I direct you."
"How mooch costen?"
"Twenty dollars for the first lot of medicine, and when that is gone
I'll see you again."
She then said:
"Vel, Doctor, I youst got ten dollar. You take dot, und I pay you de
undter ten last week."
"Not much," said the Doctor, firmly. "Twenty dollars or nothing."
I then looked in, and calling him to me, whispered:
"Great Heavens! don't let her leave with that ten dollars. Take it; take
it quick!"
"Well, but the fool wants to pay the balance last week instead of next
week."
"But suppose she never pays? You haven't even told her what her
complaint is yet; and it's worth ten dollars to get out of that."
"Thunderation! haven't I told her that yet?" he asked, in great
excitement.
I assured him in the negative. He immediately returned to the patient
and said:
"Well, I guess I'll let you pay me the ten dollars."
"But, Doctor," she ejaculated; "you no tell me yet where am I sick."
"Indeed I did tell you, and I'll not tell you again unless you pay me."
"Nix, Doctor; I pays no monish till I knows where am I sick," and she
abruptly left the room.
Then ensued another stormy scene. The Doctor said if I hadn't called him
to me and commenced whispering around, he would have got her twenty
dollars, sure.
"But you had better take half and trust for the other half than to get
nothing at all," I remonstrated.
"Yes," said the Doctor, still unconvinced, "and it wouldn't be but a few
days till everybody would be owing us; and we never could collect a
cent."
I saw the utter uselessness and foolishness of an argument with him, and
said no more and let him swear it out.
Among other ills that the Doctor claimed to be an expert at treating,
was deafness, and we so advertised.
In a day or two an old lady called while the Professor was out.
She asked if I were the Doctor, and turned her left ear to catch my
reply.
I answered in a professional manner: "Madam, you are deaf."
"Well, you are right, Doctor, so I am; and I thought I would run in and
see if you could help me."
I stepped to the Doctor's instrument case, and picking up some sort of a
weapon, returned to the old lady, and stretching first one ear open and
then the other, after making sure that she always turned her left ear to
me to hear, I said:
"Madam, the drum of your right ear is almost entirely destroyed, and I
am certain there is no help for it; but I can surely help your left
ear."
"Well, Doctor, I think you know your business, for I certainly can
scarcely hear with my right ear. How much will it cost?"
"Ten dollars."
"Well, I don't want to pay out so much now, as I have already been to so
much expense with it."
"Well, you pay me five dollars, and owe me the balance, to be paid on
condition that I help you."
She agreed to this, and handed me that amount. I was at a loss to know
what to give her, and in a constant fear that the Doctor would make his
appearance and spoil it all.
I excused myself, and stepping back to the "laboratory," began searching
for something. At last I happened to think of a French moustache wax I
had in one of my pockets, with which to train my young and struggling
moustache. I quickly brought forth the box, soaked the paper label, and
after removing it, smoothed the top of the pomade nicely over, wrapped
it in paper, and gave it to her with directions for use; and invited her
to call again and let me know how she got along. (As I recall this
experience, my only cause for self-congratulation is, that what I gave
her would do her no harm, if it did no good.)
She had no sooner made her exit than the Doctor "bobbed up serenely." I
explained to him how I had manipulated things, and showed him my five
dollars.
He began to rip and tear and swear, and declared he would dissolve
partnership with me.
He said I would ruin his reputation, and get us both in jail.
I said: "Well, Doctor, I of course wouldn't want either of your
patients, the Irish or Dutch woman, to hear of this, but----"
"Never mind, never mind about my patients. You take care of your own,
and I'll do the same."
"Oh, thunder! all that ails you is that you are jealous because I am
doing more business than you are."
"Holy Moses!" he quickly replied, flying into another rage, "you think
now, you know more than all the profession, don't you?"
"Well, I feel that I have something to be proud of. We have been out
nearly three weeks, and I have taken the only money that we have
received."
He then wanted to know if I didn't expect to turn the five dollars into