Twenty Years of Hus'ling
the business. I told him I did, but thought it a good idea for us to
get out some special circulars advertising myself, and see if we
couldn't raise a few dollars.
This was too much for the Doctor, and he went off "like shot out of a
gun." He declared me a perfect ass. I said further:
"But, Doctor, I think I am superior to you in one respect."
"In what?"
"Well, I have more brains than impecuniosity, anyhow."
This was the signal for another stampede.
We remained there several days, and finally became completely stranded.
The Doctor worried, fretted, stormed, fumed, and declared I was to blame
for the whole cussed thing.
I then, began to talk about going out "hus'ling" again.
"Oh, yes; it's well enough for you to talk. You can 'hus'le,' but what
can I do? I'd look nice running around peddling your cussed old dope,
wouldn't I?"
I remarked that I thought he would do well among the Dutch and Irish, if
he didn't use too much impecuniosity, and would learn to take their
money when they offered it.
He said I hadn't the sense of a young gosling, and if I didn't quit
twitting him of those things, he would pack up and leave, if he had to
walk out of town. I said to him:
"Well, Doctor, if you do start out on foot, I'd advise you to take a few
bottles of my Incomprehensible Compound, double-distilled furniture and
piano lustre."
He gazed at me over his spectacles with a sickly smile, then jumping to
his feet, began his customary tirade, and pranced back and forth like a
caged animal.
CHAPTER XX.
ENGAGED TO MANAGE THE HOTEL--THE DOCTOR MY STAR BOARDER--DISCHARGING ALL
THE HELP--HIRING THEM OVER AGAIN--THE DOCTOR AS TABLE WAITER--THE
LANDLADY AND THE DOCTOR COLLIDE--THE ARRIVAL OF TWO HUS'LERS--HOW I
MANAGED THEM--THE LANDLADY GOES VISITING--I RE-MODELED THE HOUSE--MY
CHAMBERMAID ELOPES--HIRING A DUTCHMAN TO TAKE HER PLACE--DUTCHY IN
DISGUISE--I FOOLED THE DOCTOR--DUTCHY AND THE IRISH SHOEMAKER.
We held frequent consultations, and discussed the situation with a
feeling that our prospects were not the brightest. I again ventured to
suggest that I ought to get out and "hus'le," as winter would soon be
upon us, and my family would need money.
This threw him into a frenzy at once, and he reminded me that to leave
him there in that predicament would be a violation of faith and true
business principles. He seemed determined that we should live or die
together.
One day I said to him:
"Doctor, the old landlady ought to have some one to manage her business,
and----"
"Well," he quickly answered, "I'd make a devilish fine appearance trying
to run this dizzy old house, wouldn't I?"
"No, but why couldn't I run it, and you be my 'star' boarder?"
"Well, that'll do, that'll do; that's different, quite different."
"You know, Doctor," said I, "we are in debt for board, and whatever we
undertake must be done with much care and precision. Now, you go to the
old landlady and tell her I am a practical hotel man, and the most
trustworthy, energetic, economical and pushing sort of fellow you ever
knew; and that she ought to hire me to take full charge of the house."
This idea pleased him mightily, and he said he believed he could fix it,
and would try.
"Yes, I believe you can, if it can be done, for I know the old lady is a
little bit gone on you, any how. I remember of seeing you and her in the
up-stairs hall, the other day, talking in a way that showed pretty
plainly how things stand."
"Well there!" he screamed, "that's the latest. Now you'll have
something else to harp on, you young scapegrace, and without the
slightest foundation for it. Do you think I am a fool? Do you think I'd
recommend you to that old lady, when you are on the verge of
scandalizing both her and myself? Not much--not much, sir; and I'll sue
you for slander if you ever hint such a thing; and I'll get judgment,
too, and----"
"Yes," I interrupted, "and I suppose you would attach my dozen bottles
of Incomprehensible Compound to satisfy the judgment."
I then convinced him that I was only joking. Shortly afterwards he
called on the old lady, and did as I requested.
She called me into the sitting-room and asked how I thought I would like
to take charge of her house.
I told her I would take the position provided I could have full charge
of everything, the same as if I owned the house.
She said that was just what she would like, and inquired what salary I
wanted. I told her one hundred dollars per month, and board for family.
She offered me seventy-five, and agreed to sign papers.
I accepted, and the next morning took possession.
My first move was to call the help all together and promptly discharge
them. The old lady came running down stairs, as soon as she heard of
this, and demanded an explanation.
I reminded her that I was landlord, and that if she would retire to her
room and remain there quietly, all would come out right. The Doctor said
I knew less about running a hotel than I did about medicine, or I never
would have done such a trick as that.
I waited till the discharged help were ready to leave, and had called at
the office for their pay, when I began a compromise, and succeeded in
hiring all over again except two dining-room girls, at less than their
regular wages. But I promised an increase to those who took an interest
and worked for an advancement.
The Doctor was elated with the prospects, and fairly danced with
delight.
"And now, Johnston, for some of those cream biscuit you have told us
about. Now you have a chance to see how it is yourself, to be landlord."
The second day of my experience, we had about forty extra come to
dinner--men in attendance at a Convention. I was short of help in the
dining room, and also short of prepared victuals.
I immediately visited the Doctor in his apartment, explained the
situation, and asked why he couldn't come into the dining room and help
wait on table. He protested against it, but I gave him to understand
that it was a case of absolute necessity.
He swore a few oaths, and said it showed how much sense I had, to
discharge my help the first thing.
As an incentive for him to act, I ventured the remark that the landlady
was going to help, and would like him to do so if he could.
"Is she going to help? Well, then, all right. I'll help you out this one
time, but never again."
I took him to the dining room, and after he took his coat off, put a
large white apron on him and gave him a few instructions. We had five
kinds of meat, and I posted him thoroughly as to what he should say to
the guests.
Directly I called dinner, and the tables were soon filled.
The Doctor watched from the kitchen for the cue from me to make a start.
When I gave it he entered in his shirt-sleeves, with the large apron
on, carrying an immense tray in one hand and his gold-headed cane in the
other, and had forgotten to take his plug hat off. It was setting on the
back of his head, and his appearance was grotesque in the extreme.
He gave me a look of disgust as he marched in, and faltered for a
moment, as though not quite certain where to commence. Then he made
another start, and stepping up to the nearest man, rested the tray on
the back of his chair, and stood partially leaning on his cane; and
looking over his glasses, said:
"Roast beef, roast mutton, roast--well, roast mutton, roast meat,
roast-- ---- it! we have twenty-one different kinds of meat. What'll you
have?"
By this time I had been forced to leave the room for laughter, returning
as soon as I could command myself. The Doctor was up to his ears in
business. Perspiring profusely, and much excited, he still hung to his
cane and plug hat. He was absolutely the most comical sight I had ever
witnessed.
When I met the Doctor at the kitchen door, with the tray piled up with
several orders, he took time to say:
"---- it! I thought you said the landlady was going to help."
For fear he would quit, I ran to the stair-way and called her. She came
down, and I explained as quickly as possible, and she said she would
help; and putting on an apron, began work immediately.
We had Lima beans for dinner, and being a little short on them, were
obliged to dish them out in small quantities. The Doctor served one man
who, with one swoop, took into his mouth all he had, in one spoonful,
and immediately handed his dish back to the Doctor, saying:
"Here, waiter, bring me another bean!"
The Doctor struck a dramatic attitude, and glared over his
spectacles--one hand clasped the middle of his cane, and his plug hat
poised side-wise on the back of his head, and he shouted excitedly:
"Sir, I want you to understand _we_ know _how_ many beans there was in
that dish. Besides, I'm--I'm--I'm no ---- table waiter, and I demand
that you address me differently. In short, I demand satisfaction for
your cussed insolence, sir!"
Every man in the dining room dropped his knife and fork and looked on in
astonishment. The gentleman addressed by the Doctor apologized to his
entire satisfaction, and matters went on smoothly until just as the
Doctor was making for the dining room with a tray full for two
newcomers. The landlady, with a tray full of dirty dishes, met him at
the kitchen door. She had attempted to pass back through the wrong
passage-way, and a general collision was the result. The Doctor had
gotten just far enough along so that every dish on his tray went
crashing on the dining-room floor, and a cup of hot tea went into the
top of one shoe. Before he fairly realized whom he had collided with, he
broke out with a volley of oaths sufficient to turn the old lady's hair
white in a few seconds.
I hastened to the rescue, and instantly reminded him of the awful fact
that he was cussing the landlady. He lost no time in apologizing
politely, and assured her that he alone was to blame for the mishap.
The man who had been forced to make an apology to the Doctor a few
moments before, was immensely pleased, and when about to leave the
table, cried out:
"Professor, had you counted those beans before you dropped the dishes?"
The Doctor then said he guessed the rush was over now, and he would
leave it for us to finish; after which he repaired to his room, and
after making his toilet preparatory to eating dinner, sent for me and
requested that I arrange with the landlady to dine with him, which of
course I did, and also promised him that I would have my favorite cream
biscuit for tea that night.
Matters went on very nicely, with the exception of experiencing
considerable trouble in getting good chambermaids and table-waiters. The
Doctor declared point blank that he would never, under any
circumstances, wait on table again; so I saw the necessity of securing
suitable help at once.
A few days later, two young men came to the hotel, registered, and began
hus'ling around in a manner that reminded me of my late patent-right
partner and myself in Indiana.
I spotted them at once and began taking notes on their manners. We had
had cream biscuit for supper twice; and as all were unanimous in
pronouncing them very fine, I had given orders to have them again on the
day of the arrival of my two hus'lers. I gave my opinion of them to the
Doctor, and remarked that they would have to settle in advance before I
would give them a room.
He reminded me that I should not forget how convenient I had found it
to be confided in by the different landlords, and that I should not be
too rough on them. I fully agreed with him; but I had experienced the
truth of the fact that only a small percentage of men were ever able to
pay such bills, after getting behind, even though they had a disposition