Twenty Years of Hus'ling
to do so. Consequently, I determined to commence right, and try and keep
right.
That night, while the Doctor and several others were in the office, and
while I was behind the counter, one of the young men came in from up
town, having just visited the barber shop; and with his silk hat
slightly tipped to one side of his head, and one kid glove on, stepped
over near me, and after telling the latest story in his blandest and
most fascinating manner, turned to me and said:
"Landlord, how about cream biscuit for supper? I hear you have----"
He was interrupted right then and there; for laying my hand gently on
his shoulder, I said in a firm voice:
"_You_ have got to pay in advance, sir."
"What's up?" he asked, excitedly.
"There is nothing up, sir," I answered, "but you have got to settle
right off. The cream biscuit racket don't go, with me. Pay up, or you
can't stay."
He said he would pay up till the next day, which he did, and then went
in to supper.
During this interview the Doctor had commenced to laugh, and almost
danced the Highland Fling in his gleeful excitement, and attempt to
leave the room. As soon as the door had closed on the young man, he
returned, and laughed and hopped around in his characteristic manner,
and said:
"Why the cussed fool might have known that he couldn't have said a thing
on earth that would have put you onto him as quick as to flatter the
cream biscuit."
In less than three minutes the other hus'ler came in, and rushed up to
the wash-stand to make his toilet. The Doctor looked at him over his
specs, with a broad grin on his countenance.
After washing and combing his hair, he told a funny story, and said:
"Put us down for a good room, landlord. You have a nice hotel, landlord.
It's everything in knowing how to run a house."
He then placed his hands behind him and backed up to the stove.
I glanced over towards the Doctor, who by this time was in the farther
corner of the office, with one hand over his mouth, and the other
holding his hat and cane; and one foot in the air, ready to make a break
for out of doors.
I answered the young man by saying:
"Yes, sir, it's everything in knowing how to run a hotel; and you have
got to pay in advance if you stay here."
"Well, I am surprised, landlord; but I supposed you were a good enough
judge of character to know the difference between a gentleman and a dead
beat."
I assured him that I didn't doubt his honesty, but I was willing to
wager that he hadn't money enough to pay one week in advance. And as it
took money to keep things running and----
"And buy cream biscuit," shouted the Doctor,----
---- I had got to have my pay in advance.
He then acknowledged that he was a little short, but would probably be
able to pay the next day. I told him he could have his supper, lodging
and breakfast, but nothing more.
The next morning they both came to me and owned up that they were
"broke."
I then hired one of them for hostler and the other for clerk.
About this time I succeeded in getting the landlady's consent to
re-model a part of the house. She said she didn't care to be bothered
with it, nor to remain there and listen to the noise; so she would go
and visit her friends in Detroit, and leave me to fix things to suit
myself. She said also she had all confidence in me, and felt certain I
would do even better than she could.
Before leaving, she instructed me to go ahead and get what I wanted, as
her credit was good anywhere.
By the time had fairly reached the depot to take the train, I had
engaged several carpenters, painters, plasterers, bricklayers, and teams
to do our hauling.
I very soon had the old hotel in a condition suitable for business, by
tearing down old partitions, building up new ones, papering and painting
thoroughly, and adding a lot of new furniture and carpets.
I had the whole outside of the old shell painted, a portion of which I
ordered done in brick-color, and penciled.
The latter part, the neighbors claimed, fooled the landlady so badly,
when she returned a few weeks later, that she didn't know when she
arrived home, and kept right on up street, making inquiries and looking
for her hotel. How much truth there was in this statement I do not know,
but I well remember the expression on her countenance when I answered
her query of how much the whole thing would cost, by informing her that
I didn't think it would amount to over fifteen hundred dollars. I
remember how she fell back on the sofa in a sort of swoon, and when she
recovered herself, faltered out that she was ruined forever.
I very soon convinced her, however, that the improvements had greatly
enhanced the value of her property; and she seemed to appreciate my
services more than ever.
During her absence of several weeks, the Doctor and I had some very
interesting times.
The day after her departure our chambermaid eloped with one of the
boarders. I advertised for help immediately, but without success.
About this time a young Teutonic fellow came along, and asked for
something to eat. After giving him his dinner, I asked if he was
looking for work. He said he was, and would work mighty cheap.
I asked if he would like to be a chambermaid, and make up beds, and
sweep. He exclaimed:
"Oh, yah, yah; I youst so goot a shampermait as notting else."
"Well then, Dutchy, I'll give you four dollars per week, provided I can
find a coat and vest for you to wear, as yours is too rough-looking for
that business."
I then took him up-stairs and made a vigorous search for second-hand
clothes, but found none. I next entered the room previously occupied by
the late runaway maid, and found three old dresses and a hoop skirt left
by her. I took a dress from the nail, and picking up the hoop skirt
said:
"Here, Dutchy, put these on."
He shook his head slowly, and indicated to me that he wouldn't do it. I
reminded him that he was in my employ, and must obey me.
Then he took off his coat and vest, and was about to divest himself of
his other garments, when I instructed him to leave them on, and told him
how nice the dress would be to keep his comparatively new pants clean.
After donning the dress, which fitted him well and was quite becoming
to him, I borrowed the Doctor's razor, and he shaved himself clean, and
parted his fair, bushy hair in the middle; and there, before me, to all
appearances was a typical German girl. He entered upon his duties at
once. The Doctor said he guessed we would have no more serious trouble
with chambermaid elopements. I told him I wasn't so certain about that,
and invited him up-stairs to see Dutchy.
When we came to the room where I had left him, I said: "Go right in,
Doctor; you will find Dutchy there. I'll be back in a minute."
The Doctor bolted in, and immediately dodged back, and cried out:
"Johnston, there is a woman in there!"
"Oh, thunder! you have lost your head, since the landlady left."
This was enough; and he opened up on me with several volleys of oaths,
and offered to bet me the price of a new hat that there was a woman in
that room making up beds. I took the bet and entered the room, the
Doctor following, and immediately crying out:
"There, smarty, there! Guess you will learn to believe what I tell you,
once in a while."
"But I have won, Doctor."
"Johnston, do you claim now you bet there was a woman in here?"
"No, sir; but I'll bet the price of another hat that I can prove to you
that I have won."
"All right, sir; I'll take you."
We shook hands on it, and I said:
"Dutchy, come around here and show the Doctor your pants."
He did so; and the Doctor didn't know whether to believe his own eyes or
not. I asked when he would buy me the two hats. He said: "Never! I'll be
---- if I will be taken in on any confidence game."
I agreed to let it go, if he would keep still about Dutchy's dress, and
furnish a razor for him to shave with every morning. He promised, and we
had a hearty laugh over the matter.
The next day, as I was passing through the hall-way, Dutchy came to the
door of the room where he was working, and said:
"Mr. Johnston, I find a pair of pants here youst exactly like mine."
I stepped in, and sure enough, there hung a pair in the Irish
shoemaker's room, the exact counterpart of Dutchy's.
I explained to Dutchy that we would have a little fun with the
Irishman, and told him to wait for instructions from me before he
attempted to play his part.
I then took the pants down to the office, and let the Doctor into the
secret.
The next Saturday the Irishman came rushing down stairs in great
excitement, and reported the loss of his pants. I said:
"Well, Irish, if you don't find them, I'll go with you to pick out
another pair."
"But, be the Howly Moses! will yez pay for thim?"
I told him I'd see that he paid for them. He threatened to leave, but
the Doctor helped to quiet him down.
I then found Dutchy and told him to try and call at the Irishman's room
the next day when he was in, and manage in some way to raise his dress,
so that the Irishman would get a glimpse of his pants. He assured me he
would fix that all right.
On Sunday morning, about ten o'clock, Irish came rushing down stairs on
the jump, rushed up to me, and said:
"Be the Howly St. Crispin and Moses in the bulrushes! May the divil fly
away wid me if I haven't found moy pants!"
"Good! Good! Where were they?"
"Howly Moses! come wid me to wan side. I'll tell yez on the quiet."
"Never mind about the quiet, Irish. Sing out; tell everybody."
"Oh, be jabers! ye'd laste expect to find thim where I seed thim."
"Well, tell us."
"Yes, tell us," said the Doctor.
"Well," he hesitatingly said, "be the howly shmoke, the ould chambermaid
has thim on, as sure as I'm a loive Irishman!"
"Oh, nonsense!" I replied. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, to come
down here in the presence of these men and try to injure the character
of that poor chambermaid."
"By the great horned spoon! but she has the pants on, and Oi'll have
thim, charackther or no charackther, Misther Landlord!"
"Well, now, see here, Irish, I'll bet the cigars for the crowd, that she
hasn't got your pants on."
"All right, sir, all right, sir; I'll take that bet."
While we were shaking hands on the bet, the Doctor took a bundle from
under the counter containing the pants and ran up to the Irishman's
room, and hung them up.
We then went up-stairs, accompanied by several bystanders, and after
reaching the Irishman's room, I called to the chambermaid to come in.
Irish stood waiting for me to introduce the subject to the maid, and I
waited for him. I then turned to him and said:
"Well, Irish, prove your case."
"Well, be jabers! d'ye s'pose I am going to insult this lady? Not by a
dang sight, pants or no pants."
I turned to Dutchy and said:
"Have you got Irish's pants on?"
"Nix; I youst got my own pants."
"Well, come around here, Dutchy, and show Irish your pants."
Obeying my order, the dress was raised, exposing the pants to view.
Irish straightened himself up, and in a very triumphant manner, said:
"Well, there, Misther Landlord, I giss yez are quite well satisfied.
I'll take the cigars, and the pay for thim pants, if yez plaise."
I turned round and said:
"Whose pants are these hanging here, Irish? Did you have two pair
alike?"
He looked at them and said:
"Be gobs! she took thim off while me back was turned."
I then offered to bet him the cigars that she didn't.
He said he'd bet no more, but he knew there was some chicanery, or dom
hy-pocritical prognostication, somewhere.