Twenty Years of Hus'ling
I then asked the chambermaid to raise the dress again, which was done,
and Irish left the room disgusted, and muttering a few oaths to himself.
Afterwards he paid the cigars for the crowd.
He then asked if I wud explain what the divil right any chambermaid had
to wear pants, anyhow.
I answered that it was none of my business, and I hoped I was too much
of a gentleman to meddle with other people's private affairs.
This last assertion offended him very much, and he quickly gave me to
understand that he was as much of a gintleman as I was and niver failed
to moind his own business.
I told him that might be, but it was very strange to me how he should
make such singular discoveries.
He then made a full explanation, and I overlooked it all.
CHAPTER XXI.
THE DOCTOR SWINDLED--HOW WE GOT EVEN--DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND--THE DOCTOR
PEDDLING STOVE-PIPE BRACKETS--HIS FIRST CUSTOMER--HIS MISHAP AND
DEMORALIZED CONDITION--THE DOCTOR AND MYSELF INVITED TO A COUNTRY
DANCE--HE THE CENTER OF ATTRACTION--THE DOCTOR IN LOVE WITH A CROSS-EYED
GIRL--ENGAGED TO TAKE HER HOME--HIS PLAN FRUSTRATED--HE GETS EVEN WITH
ME--WE CONCLUDE TO DIET HIM--THE LANDLADY RETURNS--DOES NOT KNOW THE
HOUSE.
One day while I was up-town, marketing, the Doctor traded his old
English gold watch and chain to a professional horse-trader, for another
watch with all modern improvements. Immediately on my return he called
me up-stairs, and said:
"Johnston, I have made enough on a single trade to pay me a good month's
salary." And handing me the watch, said: "Look and see what an elegant
thing it is. It cost the infernal fool three hundred and fifty dollars,
and I got it even-up for my old-fashioned gold watch and chain."
I asked him what he valued his old watch and chain at. He said the chain
would bring sixty dollars for old gold, and he didn't know what value to
put on the watch. After examining it, I said:
"Well, Doctor, you made a big hit."
"Well, that's what I think," he shouted, as he hopped about in his usual
frisky manner.
I again remarked:
"Yes sir, you did well. I once traded a horse and watch for a twin
brother to this very watch, and mighty soon discovered that the auction
price on them was three dollars and fifty cents each!"
He then flew into a rage, and cussed me and my judgment. I prevailed on
him to accompany me to a jeweler, who placed the retail price at five
dollars, and said it was a brass watch.
The Doctor declared he would have the fellow arrested; but I urged that
the best way was to keep still, and not even let him know that he was
sick of his bargain. He agreed to this, provided I would help him to get
even with him in some way.
I promised I would.
The horse-trader didn't come near the hotel for a few days, and not
until the Doctor had met him and treated him very nicely, thus entirely
disarming him of suspicion.
One day a circus came to town, and with it a street-salesman carrying a
stock of the very cheapest jewelry manufactured. He was unable to
procure a license, and made no sales there. I bought from him
twenty-five cents' worth of his goods. The Doctor took about half of my
purchase, and wrapping them in tissue paper, put them carefully in his
valise; and we awaited the arrival of our friend Sam, the horse-trader.
One evening we saw him hitching his horse outside, and made ready for
him by beginning a very heated discussion concerning a deal we had been
having in jewelry. As he entered we were in the hottest of it. The
Doctor abused me, and I accused him of not living up to his agreement,
and peremptorily demanded one hundred and sixty dollars in cash, or the
return of the jewelry.
The Doctor said he couldn't pay the money under ten days, and refused
to return the jewelry. Then I declared there would be a fight, unless he
did one thing or the other on the spot. The Doctor then said he wouldn't
disgrace himself by fighting, if he had to turn all the jewelry over to
me, and got his valise at once and produced it, and my original bill to
him. Sam stepped forward to examine it as I was taking a careful
inventory to make sure it was all there.
I then casually remarked that I was going to see a certain man the next
day, and trade it for a horse and buggy. Sam said:
"I'll trade you a nice horse and buggy for it."
"Where is your rig?" I asked.
"Outside here."
I stepped out, and after looking the horse and wagon over, said:
"I think that whole rig is worth one hundred and fifty dollars, and I'll
trade for ten dollars boot."
Sam said he would look the jewelry over again, which he did. He then
offered to trade even.
I refused to do that, but told him I would trade, if he would let me
keep two of the rings. He offered to let me keep one ring. The trade
hung for a few moments, and at last, seeing his determination, we
consummated the trade and I drove the outfit to the barn.
The Doctor didn't sleep a wink that night, and the next morning wanted
me to sell out at once, and divide the money.
But, seeing a chance to tantalize him, I said:
"Doctor, who do you want me to divide with?"
"With me," he shouted. "Whom do you suppose?"
"Well, thunderation! Doctor; it was my property we traded off. Why
should I give you half the profits?"
"Great Heavens!" he screamed. "Think of it! One shilling's worth of
property!"
Then he sizzled around for awhile, and said I was worse than Sam, the
horse-shark; because Sam didn't practice beating his friends, and I did,
according to that deal.
I offered the harness to the Doctor as his share of the deal. He
refused, and abused me roundly, till I took him in as full partner on
the whole thing.
The next day Sam came in the hotel, and handing me one of the rings that
had turned perfectly black, asked me if that was one I traded him. I
told him it looked like it in shape, but not in color. He asked if I
had any more like it, but assured me that he was no squealer, and would
never "kick" if I had traded him brass jewelry for his farm, only he
simply wanted to know how badly he had been "done up." I showed him what
I had, and gave them to him. He said he would take better care of that
lot than he did the first, and would try and get even in some way.
A day or two later he came in, and asked what I had to trade. I told him
I had a note of one hundred and forty-two dollars, past due, against a
young man in Battle Creek, Michigan, which I had traded patent rights
for, and I would trade it for a horse. He looked it over, and said he
would think of it. A few days later he came in again and asked how I
would trade the note for his horse standing outside. After looking the
animal over, I offered to trade for twenty-five dollars. He said he
would trade even, and a few minutes later we made the deal, and I took
the animal to the stable.
The Doctor was more pleased over this trade than I was, and so much so
that I began to think he expected a half interest in it, and asked him
if he did.
He said he did not; but it pleased him to see me get the best of Sam,
the horse-shark.
About ten days later, as the Doctor and I were going into the post
office together, we met Sam just as he had opened a letter from Battle
Creek, containing a draft for the full amount of the note with interest,
all amounting to something near one hundred and fifty dollars. Sam said
he had written to a banker there before he traded for the note, and
ascertained it was all right.
The Doctor turned ghastly pale, and I came near fainting. To think that
I had traded such a note for an old plug of a horse was sickening,
especially when considering our circumstances.
One day a gentleman stopped at the hotel selling wire stove-pipe
brackets. They were so constructed as to fasten around the pipe of the
cook-stove, and make a very convenient shelf to set the cooking utensils
on.
The Doctor took a particular liking to the man selling them, and lost no
opportunity to speak a good word for the invention. One day he ventured
the assertion that he could sell six dozen a day to the housekeepers of
that town. I suggested that he start out at once.
He was insulted, and said he was in other business. I said a poor
excuse was better than none and offered to wager the price of a new hat
that he couldn't sell one in a week. He then offered to bet the cigars
for the crowd that he could sell one to his washerwoman.
"Yes," I replied, "I suppose she would be glad to take cats and dogs for
what you owe her."
That settled it, and he raked me right and left. He said I needn't judge
him from my shirtless experience at Fort Wayne (which I had related to
him), and that he always paid his wash bill. He then reminded me that
only for him and his money a few weeks before, I would have gone without
laundered shirts many a day.
"Yes," said I, "and only for me where would you be eating now?"
"Great ----!" he ejaculated. "You cussed, impudent Arab! Who got you this
job?"
"You did," I replied; "but only for your beautiful figure and winning
ways catching the eye of the land----"
"Shut up! shut up!" he yelled. "Don't you open your infernal head
again."
Then I apologized, and said:
"Well, Doctor, you have satisfied me that you don't owe your
washerwoman, so I'll take the bet you offered to make. And," I added,
"I'll bet another cigar she won't let you in the house unless you have a
bundle of washing along, and show her that you have a legitimate right
to call on her."
This exasperated him again, and made him more determined than ever to
show us what he could do.
He selected a bracket, and started for the washerwoman, who lived
directly back of the hotel, on another street. It fifteen minutes to
twelve o'clock when he started.
About noon one of the kitchen girls came running to the office, and
called me to come quick to the back door. I hastened, and to my
astonishment found the Doctor, under the greatest excitement. No
spectacles on, his hat gone, a large piece torn from his fine
swallow-tailed coat, and to all appearances he had just emerged from the
sewer.
"Great Heavens! Doctor; what is up?" I asked.
"Don't say a word! don't say a word!" he cried. "Get me to my room,
quick, before any one sees me."
"Where is your hat?" I asked.
"Over to the washerwoman's," he gasped.
"And your cane--what has become----"
"Great Heavens! sure enough," he interrupted. "I forgot that. It's on
her table. And my spectacles--the Lord knows where they are! But get me
out of this, quick; and hurry over there and fix it."
"Fix what?" I asked. "What did she say, Doctor?"
"Good! all I heard her say was: 'What will my poor Mike do for his
dinner?' and then she--never mind what she said, but hurry up."
I then said to him:
"Doctor, you go right through the dining room and on up-stairs to your
room, and I'll go over and see if I can find what there is left of you."
He asked if there were no back stairs. I said yes, but they were very
dark. I then led him to the back stair-way, and offered to accompany him
to his room. But he said I should hurry over there and fix things. So,
after explaining to him the back-stair route to his room, I was about to
close the door on him, when he placed his hand on his head and said:
"My! just feel of this bunch. And I guess my hat is ruined, Hurry over
and see about it, quick."
I closed the stair-way door and started across the back yard. When not
more than six or eight rods away, I heard a noise at the house that
startled me. One of the girls came running out, and screamed for me to
come back, quick.
By the time I arrived there they had succeeded in hauling the Doctor out
from the entrance to the stair-way, and he was completely deluged with
slops.