Twenty Years of Hus'ling
He began swearing and cursing the chambermaid, and cursed me for hiring
a Dutchman to do the work.
He then explained that after getting about two-thirds up the stairs, he
had concluded to give it up and go the front way; and while descending
he had come on the opposite side from that which he had ascended, and
had stepped on a bucket filled with slops; and as a result he had landed
at the very bottom of the stairs, with the contents all over him.
"Well, Doctor," said I, leading him to his room, "you are the most
horrible-looking sight I ever beheld. It will be terrible, if the
landlady comes home on the noon train."
"Good ----!" he faltered, "do you expect her home on this train? Here,
let me go alone. You hurry over there. ---- that lazy Dutchman! Why
didn't he empty the slops?"
I then made a fresh start for the Doctor's washerwoman. On the way I
found his spectacles in a ditch, which had no water in, but plenty of
mud. He had gotten out of the regular path, and in his excitement had
waded into the ditch.
Upon reaching the house, I found the old lady under a high pressure of
exasperation and excitement. When I asked if Doctor ---- had been there,
"Howly Moses!" she shrieked, "I shud think he _had_ been here, wid his
dommed old stove-pipe demolisher. Be jabbers! he got a good whack over
the head wid me mop-stick to pay for his flabbergasted stubbornness. And
I think he'll have to sell more nor wan of thim pesky wire flumadoodles
before he can replace the ould plug hat, which yez'll foind layin' theer
in the wud-box."
I asked for an explanation.
She showed me how the Doctor had come in without any authority, and
insisted on putting "wan of thim dom things on her stove-poipe." After
fastening it on and explaining its purpose, he asked her to set her
kettle of boiled dinner on, and see how stout and strong it was. This
she refused to do, not believing it to be safe.
But the Doctor, "wid his dom jackass stubbornness," as she termed it,
had forcibly taken the kettle from her hands and lifted it to the
bracket.
No sooner was it done than the whole thing, bracket, stove-pipe, and
kettle of dinner went crashing to the floor; and without further
ceremony she grabbed the nearest weapon to her, which happened to be the
mop-stick, and assailed the intruder. She first struck his hat, knocking
it off and bruising it badly, and next gave him a good whack over the
head.
I asked how he tore his coat. She said, as he passed out on the jump his
coat caught on a nail, but it didn't lessen his speed one bit.
I returned to the hotel with the Doctor's hat, cane, spectacles, and the
wire bracket, which the irate woman declared she wouldn't give
house-room to.
The Doctor was in quite a critical condition. His head was badly
swollen, several bruises were on his body from the fall down stairs, and
a high fever had set in, compelling him to take to his bed.
His first question, when I entered his room, was: "What did she say?"
and the second was: "Did the landlady come on the train?"
I answered both, and gave him all the aid and consolation in my power.
Among other things, I promised if he ever recovered we would have his
favorite pie and coffee every meal for two weeks. This pleased him
greatly, for his appetite for apple pie and Java coffee was seldom if
ever satisfied.
He recovered in a few days, and said he was glad the landlady didn't
return in the midst of that fracas.
A few days later he came rushing into the hotel from up town, and said:
"I just met an old friend and former patron, who used to live in the
southern part of the State. He now lives five miles from here, and they
are going to have a dance at his house next Friday night. He wants me to
come out, and bring you with me, as I told him all about you, and whose
daughter you married. He has always known John Higgins, your
father-in-law. I told him we would be there, so you must make
calculations to go."
"All right, Doctor; we'll drive our horse out."
"That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do," he laughingly remarked.
If there was any one thing the Doctor prided himself in more than
another, it was his gracefulness in "tripping the light fantastic toe."
He talked of nothing else from that time till Friday, and made more
preparations for the occasion than the average person would for his own
wedding.
When the hostler drove our rig to the front door, the Doctor with his
highly polished boots, his heavy-checked skin-tight pants (then the
height of fashion), his swallow-tailed coat--renovated and mended for
the occasion, his low-cut vest, and his immaculate shirt-front with a
large flaming red neck-tie, his face cleanly shaven, his ivory-white
moustache waxed and twisted, his gold-headed cane and gold spectacles,
and lastly, his newly ironed hat--standing there, as described, he
certainly made a very striking appearance.
On our way out he became very impatient to make faster time, and
declared that we got cheated when we traded the jewelry for such an
infernal horse, and wanted to sell his half to me. I told him I would
buy him out if he would take his pay in board. He became excited at
once, and said he would be an idiot to do that, as it was just the same
as understood that I was to board him, if I got the hotel to run.
"But suppose I should remain here for five years," said I, "what then?"
"What then?" he quickly ejaculated, "why then I suppose you'd find me
here to the end of that time. I started out with you, and I intend to
stay with you."
We were royally received at the farmer's residence, and the Doctor at
once became the center of attraction for those already assembled, and
continued so during the evening. He told his latest stories, and I told
one occasionally, bringing in "Pocahontas," "Stove-pipe bracket," "Irish
patient," "Brass watches," etc., etc., any one of which had the tendency
to keep the Doctor "riled up," and in constant fear lest I should dwell
on facts or go into particulars.
At last he called me out on the porch, and said:
"Now sir ---- you, I am among aristocratic friends, who have always
honored and respected me; and you have come about as near telling some
of your cussed miserable stories about me as I want you to to-night. So
now be guarded, sir. Remember I am among my friends, and not yours; so I
warn you to be careful."
I assured him that I meant no reflection on him, and would be guarded.
Directly the musicians came, and all was ready to begin. The Doctor was
one of the first to lead out, with the hostess for a partner.
Everything went on smoothly. Hard cider flowed freely, and the Doctor
indulged often. The gentlemen all kept their hats on, including the
Doctor and myself, as etiquette didn't seem to require their removal.
More cider, plenty of music and constant dancing, warmed up everybody;
and very soon the gentlemen removed their coats, the Doctor and myself
following suit. The more we danced, the more we wanted to dance; and the
Doctor never missed a single set.
We were both introduced to the belles of the neighborhood. The Doctor
was a general favorite with them, which fact caused considerable
jealousy among not a few of the young gentlemen present.
Taking in the situation, I took special pains to say to all the boys
that the Doctor was a nice old fellow, and meant no harm.
Finally, about ten o'clock, the Simon-pure aristocracy appeared on the
scene. This was a young lady who had a very handsome face and a
beautiful figure. But she was very cross-eyed. In spite of this defect
she was very attractive, and being a graceful dancer, had no lack of
offers to dance. I received an introduction to her, and soon after, the
Doctor was introduced as per his request.
He became much infatuated with her, and she didn't seem to dislike him
very much. At any rate, they danced nearly every set together. When
supper was announced he waited upon her. It so happened that the Doctor
sat at the end of the table, she to his left at the side of the table,
and I to his right, opposite her.
The first thing I said was:
"All I care for is pie and coffee."
The Doctor looked sober and enraged.
After all were nicely seated, I told one or two old chestnuts, when the
Doctor ventured on one of his latest. Then I said:
"Doctor, we are all alike. It simply shows our 'impecuniosity' to sit
here and tell stories, when we ought to finish our meal and make room
for others."
Nobody laughed, so I told another. It was about an old gentleman going
out to sell stove-pipe brackets. Everybody laughed but the Doctor. I
then said:
"Doctor, let's hear from you, now."
He was too full for utterance, and as I very well knew, would have given
considerable for a chance to express himself.
After supper he called me out on the porch and said he just expected
every minute that I was going to mention his name in connection with
that peddling story, and it was well I didn't.
"Well, Doctor, I didn't mean you at all."
"The d----l you didn't! I wonder who you meant, if not me."
I then said:
"I see you are having a nice time. Nice girl, you have taken a fancy to;
but I was introduced to her before you were."
"Well, it doesn't make any difference about that," he answered. "She
will have nothing to do with you."
"Why not?"
"Because I told her you were a married man, and that settled it."
"Oh, ho! I see, Doctor. I see you were afraid I would out-shine you,
weren't you?"
"Not much, sir; not much. I know what she thinks of me, and just how
well I stand in her estimation. She is a rich man's daugh----".
"Yes," I interrupted, "and she will never speak to you, after to-night."
"She will, unless you tell some of your infernal yarns and connect me
with them; and if you do, I'll--I'll----"
"But, Doctor," I said, hastily, "what will the landlady say, when she
gets home and sees how things are going?"
"Oh, you cussed idiot!" he screamed. "Do you think she has a string tied
to me? What do you s'pose I care for her? Is she any comparison to this
young lady?"
"No, I suppose not; but, Doctor, you are fooled in this girl; and I'll
bet you didn't tell her about my being married till after supper."
"What makes you think that?"
"Well, I noticed that she kept looking at me all the time we were
eating."
"No such a ---- thing. _I_ know she was looking at me. I _know_ she was.
And another thing I know----"
"Yes," I put in, "and another thing _I_ know."
"What's that?"
"Well, sir, while we were at the table she kept her feet pressing
against my feet all the time."
"Oh, you idiot! Those were my feet that were pressing against yours."
"Then if you knew they were mine, why did you keep pushing yours against
them all the time?"
Under much excitement he answered:
"Because--because, sir, I--I--I thought I would have a little fun with
you. That's why."
"Yes; because you thought they were the girl's feet. That's why."
Then assuming his usual dramatic attitude, and striking his breast with
his clinched fist, he cried out:
"Johnston, if you cast any imputation against the character of this
young lady, you will have to answer to me, sir. Now remember what I tell
you."
"Well, Doctor, you had better go in and resume dancing. You are losing
lots of fun."
"Yes," he quickly answered. "I know I am; I know I am. This is what _I_
get for introducing you into society."
We then returned to the dancing room, and the Doctor found no difficulty
in getting the attention of the cross-eyed belle.
By this time the boys were jealous, anyway, and would have nothing to do
with her.
About two o'clock in the morning the Doctor came to me and said:
"Johnston, I am going to take this young lady home."