Twenty Years of Hus'ling
"How far does she reside from here?"
"About six miles."
"Have you ordered a livery team?"
"Not by a dang sight. Why should I? Can't I use our horse and buggy?"
I replied that I thought not.
"I think I can, I know I can, and I know I will. The half of that rig
belongs to me. I have agreed to take her, and I must do it."
"Well, I should think you had better be starting, if you are going with
our horse, and expect to return before morning."
"We will not start till the dance breaks up, Mr. Johnston," was his
defiant answer.
"Where am I to stay?" I asked, "What am I going to do while you are
traveling six miles and back, with that old plug of a horse, after
everybody has gone home?"
"That, sir, is a matter of no concern to me; but that young lady must be
taken home by _me to-night_, and no disappointment."
Then he and the cross-eyed girl took their places for another quadrille.
By this time I was not in the best of humor myself, and began to feel
that the Doctor was getting the best of me.
My first thought was to hitch up and drive home, leaving him in the
lurch. But while considering the matter, my opportunity came; and I was
not slow to take advantage of it.
During the progress of the dance, when "Gents to the right and balance"
was called, the Doctor left his cross-eyed partner to make the round of
the set. I rushed up to her immediately and said as quickly as possible:
"My dear Miss, you must not dance the Doctor so hard. He has fits, and
is liable to fall over in one at any moment. Why, in driving along in a
carriage he is liable to drop right out in the middle of the road,
leaving the horse to go to destruction."
"Thank you, thank you," she said.
I then stepped back to await results.
While talking with her, I noticed the Doctor eying me with suspicion,
but my interview was so very short that he appeared relieved on my
leaving her.
By this time he came balancing around, with his plug hat on the back of
his head, his spectacles hanging over his nose, and grasping his
gold-headed cane about the center with his left hand, and still
retaining in his right hand a soiled napkin which he had brought from
the table and mistaken for his handkerchief, he came balancing up to his
partner with a regular Highland-fling step, a most fascinating and
bewitching smile on his countenance, and looked her straight in the
face.
She looked completely dumbfounded, seemed to have instantly lost
interest in all worldly affairs, and stood stock still, staring
cross-eyed at the Doctor, as if expecting to see him frothing and
foaming at the mouth.
He then seized her about the waist, fairly lifting her from the floor;
after swinging her two or three times around, again stood her up where
he found her, when he seemed to suddenly comprehend that something was
wrong, and instantly changed countenance.
The young lady then turned to him and said very reluctantly:
"Doctor, I wish to ask you to excuse me from our engagement this
evening."
Suddenly remembering my interview with her, he said:
"What did that ---- red-headed hyena say to you? What did he say? What
did he say? Tell me; tell me, quick! What did he say? I must know--I
must know."
"Oh, nothing much, Doctor."
"I demand to know immediately. Tell me--tell me now."
"Well, Doctor, he says you have fits."
"Fits? fits? What! _I have fits?_ Gracious Heavens!
What--when--how--where is he? Where is the infernal red-headed liar?
Bring him to me and let me paralyze him."
While saying this he was plunging and spinning around in his usual
jumping-jack manner, swinging his cane in one hand and slamming his plug
hat on the floor with the other.
The floor-manager stepped up and asked what the matter was. The Doctor
shrieked out:
"Good ----! do I look like a man who has fits? Would you think, to look
at me, that I ever had fits?"
The floor-manager placed his hands on his shoulders, and said,
sympathetically:
"Never mind, Doctor, you are not going to have a fit. Keep cool, Doctor.
Keep perfectly quiet. You will soon get over it. Step outside into the
cool air, and you will soon get over it."
"Get over what?" said the exasperated man. "You infernal fool, what are
you talking about? Do you think I don't know enough to take care of
myself?"
About a second later I stepped into an adjoining room, and there met the
cross-eyed girl with her things on ready to leave. She said she didn't
know how she would get home, as her friends had gone and left her,
expecting the Doctor to act as her escort.
I confessed that I was only joking, and we had better fix it up and let
the Doctor take her home.
She nearly went into spasms when I suggested it, and said she wouldn't
dare ride a rod with such a man.
The Doctor's farmer friend, our host, came to me and said I had better
take the young lady home, and let the Doctor remain with them all night,
and he would take him to town the next afternoon. This was satisfactory
to the young miss, so we immediately slipped away, without consulting
the Doctor, or even bidding him good night.
On our way, I asked her if she would be willing to consent to a meeting
with the Doctor, or open a correspondence with him. She refused
emphatically to do either, despite the fact that I declared the whole
thing a joke.
She said his actions at the last were enough to convince her that it was
no joking affair. I was anxious to do something in the Doctor's behalf
to atone for the injury to his feelings that I was the cause of, but the
matter had gone too far.
I certainly had every reason to regret that things had turned out as
they had, for the seventeen miles of travel in taking the girl home and
returning to town proved too much for the old nag, and I did not reach
my hotel until after nine o'clock that morning. I was at a loss to know
how to fix things with the Doctor so as to make matters smooth, and have
him cherish no hard feelings.
I had decided that my moustache was a failure, and had concluded to
have it cut off. A plan came into my mind by which I felt certain I
could manage to please the Doctor so well as to be able to bring about a
feeling of harmony.
I arranged with my clerk that when we saw the Doctor coming I would lean
back in one of the office chairs, apparently asleep, and when he came in
the clerk should pick up a pair of shears from the window-sill and
suggest that he (the Doctor) should clip one side of my moustache off,
and let me run around during the evening a laughing-stock to every one.
It worked to a charm. The Doctor jumped at the chance, and cut one side
close to my lip, after which I was routed up, and was received by him
with much coolness.
The clerk had posted every one to say nothing to me; and as I appeared
as ridiculous as possible, and everybody laughed heartily, the Doctor
felt that he had perpetrated a huge joke on me.
He was more than pleased when I happened to glance in the mirror, and
discovered my predicament, as he was sitting in the office.
The cross-eyed girl was not referred to for several days; and when I did
mention her, the Doctor changed color, and immediately became dejected.
Everything moved along smoothly for several days thereafter.
The Doctor, as before stated, was very fond of pie and coffee,
especially apple pie, and generally preferred them the first thing
before his regular meal, instead of waiting to have them served as a
dessert.
Becoming dissatisfied with my dining-room and kitchen help, I had
discharged them and hired an entire new force. When giving them
instructions I gave the dining-room girls a description of the Doctor,
and pointed out the seat he usually occupied; and cautioned them in
particular not under any circumstances to give him pie or coffee.
They seemed curious to know the reason, and I explained that he was
crazy, and the very moment he drank a swallow of coffee or ate a
mouthful of pie he became raving at once, and would be liable to murder
the whole lot of them; and the doctors had given strict orders never to
let him have either.
That day we had apple pie for dinner, and I managed to have one of the
boarders, who always sat at the same table with the Doctor, get into
the dining room a little ahead of him, and to have some apple pie and a
cup of coffee by his plate. The Doctor entered as usual, and after
looking over the table, said:
"Bring me some apple pie and coffee."
"We have no pie or coffee, Doctor," was the girl's weak and trembling
reply.
"Do you claim you have none at all?" was his quick inquiry.
"None at all, Doctor," she answered.
"And haven't you had any for dinner?" was his next question.
"No, sir," she replied.
"The d----l you say! What's that over there?" he asked, pointing to his
neighbor's plate. The girl stammered a moment, and said:
"Doctor, we are instructed not to give you pie or coffee."
"Who the d----l gave you such instructions?" demanded he.
"Well," said she, evidently wishing not to compromise me, "the doctor
says you mustn't have either."
"Great ----! what doctor said so? Who told you the doctor said so? Why
did he say I should not have pie or coffee?" he shouted.
"Because he says you are crazy," she hesitatingly answered.
"Great Heavens! girl; it's you that's crazy!" and slamming his fist on
the table, and jumping to his feet, he demanded an explanation
instantly.
The girl ran to the kitchen, and the Doctor after her. The rest fled for
their lives, screaming at the top of their voices and scattering in all
directions. Some ran into the yard, some up stairs, and the poor
frightened girl who had attempted to take his order took refuge in the
cellar, the Doctor after her, yelling at the top of his voice, still
demanding an explanation. He barricaded the cellar-way by swinging his
cane and banging it against a tin wash-boiler near the entrance, and
declared that the girl never should see daylight again unless she
revealed the source of her information.
It was now about one o'clock, and the landlady had arrived on the noon
train; and, after locating her newly painted hotel, came in just in time
to catch us in the heat of the excitement, and the Doctor in the cellar
in the midst of his controversy.
She demanded an explanation, and became very nervous when the cook
excitedly told her that the Doctor had gone raving crazy, and had driven
one of the girls down cellar.
She asked me why I didn't go down after him. I told her I didn't dare
to.
Directly he came stamping up the stairs, swearing at the top of his
voice, and said he just expected it was the work of that cussed
red-headed d----l.
As he emerged from the cellar-way, with his wild defiant look and an
oath on his lips, and saw the landlady standing in the doorway, he
looked the picture of despair.
He faltered for a moment, during which time there was another general
stampede. I was the first to start on the run, with the old lady
following after, leaving the Doctor by himself. He tried to find some
one to listen to him, but the moment he would venture near any one about
the house, they would fly away at lightning speed.
The landlady asked how long he had been so and suggested calling a
physician, or having him sent to an asylum.
After the matter had gone as far as I thought it should, and farther
than I had any idea it ever would go, I began to explain that it was
only a joke. But again the thing had gone too far. My dining-room girls
immediately quit work, declaring that I couldn't fool them, as they had
seen enough.
With considerable difficulty I satisfied the landlady that it was only a
joke.
It then became necessary to satisfy her that the extensive improvements
on the house had been a good investment. While up stairs showing her the