Twenty Years of Hus'ling
As true as I tell you, I have only begun.
For there is one for your wife and one for yourself;
I'll give you another to lay on the shelf.
Here's one for your sister and one for your brother,
For fear they'll need three I'll throw in another.
Here is one for your uncle and one for your aunt.
I would give them another, but I know that I can't,
For there's just two left for grandfather and grandmother.
If you'll take them along and make me no bother,
You may have the whole lot for a quarter of a dollar.
"And who'll have the entire lot for the money?
"And sold right here. This gentleman takes them. I should think he
would take 'em. Any man that wouldn't take 'em, wouldn't take sugar
at a cent a pound. He'd want to taste off the top, taste from the
bottom and eat out the middle and then he'd _swear_ it wasn't
sugar. And who'll have the next, last, and only remaining lot for
the money? And sold again. Luck is a fortune gentlemen. The man
that is here to-night is bound to be a winner. And who'll have the
next lot for the money?"
The foregoing will give the reader a slight idea of the variety of talk
that it was necessary for me to keep conjuring up and manufacturing in
order to entertain my buyers, and to continually spring something new on
them.
CHAPTER XXIV.
MY EMPLOYER CALLED HOME--I CONTINUE TO HUS'LE--AN AUCTIONEERING
CO-PARTNERSHIP--STILL IN A DOUBLE ROLE--A NEAT, TIDY, QUIET BOARDING
HOUSE--WE MOVE TO A HOTEL--A PRACTICAL JOKE--AUCTIONEERING FOR
MERCHANTS--MAKING A POLITICAL SPEECH--GETTING MIXED.
I remained with my late employer several weeks, having almost
uninterrupted success, when he was notified of his wife's serious
illness and was obliged to leave his horses and wagon with a liveryman
and return at once to his home in Ohio.
I continued selling furniture polish as though nothing had happened, but
never ceased making auctioneering a continual study.
Shortly after this I received a letter from an old acquaintance who had
recently married a widow about forty years older than himself,
expressing a desire to go into the auction business with me.
He said he was well fixed now (or at least his wife was) and if I would
do the auctioneering he would furnish the capital and we would travel
together and divide the profits.
I telegraphed him to have his money ready, as I was coming.
On my arrival Johnny showed me a large roll of bills and said "there was
plenty more where that come from."
We ordered a nice stock of goods and started at once taking in the
Western and Southwestern States.
Johnny was exceedingly gay and chipper from the start and seemed
possessed with the idea that he had found a gold mine.
He led about the same life I did the winter I was selling government
goods--only a little more so, and I frequently reminded him of the
results of my experience and tried hard to convince him that his would
result the same, but without success.
He was a jolly, good natured fellow, a true friend, kind and generous to
a fault, which with his expensive habits made serious inroads on his
capital and it diminished rapidly.
I saw how things were shaping, and lost no time in making a new
contract with him, which gave me a certain commission, and required him
to defray all hotel bills.
I kept up the sale of polish as usual, during the time when we were not
selling at auction, and by so doing was steadily gaining ground.
I suggested to Johnny when we first started out that he also sell
polish.
He laughed at the idea and said he "didn't have to."
After we had been out a few weeks I asked him one day if he didn't think
we had better invoice. He thought we had, and we did so. He seemed less
gay after this and showed frequent signs of having the blues.
We could show good sales, but he couldn't show where the money had gone,
although he had had the exclusive handling of it himself.
He began to show an inclination to make improvements, but still clung to
a few expensive notions, so much so that his expenses far exceeded his
profits.
In a few weeks I suggested another inventory, to which he submitted, and
was fairly paralyzed at the result.
We then decided to go to Kansas City, Missouri. On our way there Johnny
asked me what I thought of going to some nice, quiet boarding-house
instead of paying the usual high rates at hotels.
I agreed, and again suggested that he go to selling polish, which he was
almost tempted to do, but finally said he guessed he wouldn't yet a
while.
When we got to Kansas City I said:
"Now Johnny, I will stay at the depot while you 'hustle' up town and
find a boarding-house."
He started on the hunt immediately.
In about two hours he came rushing back with a broad grin on his
countenance, and informed me that he had found one of the nicest places
in town, where every thing was neat and clean, and nice and tidy, the
old lady was a good conversationalist, she had a nice family of
well-bred children, and it was so home-like, and at a cost of only two
dollars and a half each.
"But Johnny, two dollars and a half a day apiece at a boarding-house is
too much."
"Good ---- Johnston, I don't mean by the day. I mean by the week."
At this he grabbed a piece of baggage and bounded away, I following
closely.
On our arrival at the boarding-house we found the landlady to be a
widow with seven children. The house was furnished with the very
commonest of furniture, no carpets on any of the floors, no paper on the
walls, and the plastering off in many places.
We were both very hearty eaters, and were in the habit of taking our
heartiest meal at six o'clock in the evening.
When supper was called we went in to the dining-room, took seats and
waited to be served.
In about two minutes the children began flocking in. The majority of
them took their position along one side of the room and stared at us
with half-starved looks, while the others were climbing over the backs
of our chairs, and turning summersaults under the table and in the
middle of the floor.
Directly the old lady came in with a cup of tea for each of us, and then
brought in a molasses cake, with a couple of slices of bread and a small
piece of butter.
Johnny glanced at me as if expecting a grand "kick;" but, although I had
no fondness for molasses cake, I took hold and ate with as much relish
as if it had been roast turkey. I kept up a pleasant conversation with
the old lady, and never failed to laugh heartily whenever one of the
older boys happened to kick a cat up the chimney or break a lamp or two.
When bed-time came, the old lady showed us to the spare-room, which
contained nothing but a small stand and an old-fashioned bedstead with a
straw tick resting on ropes instead of slats. The straw was nearly all
on one side, which discovery I happened to make before retiring, and
forthwith took advantage of it by hurrying to bed first, and occupying
that side.
Although I had always before insisted on sleeping alone, I didn't in
this instance raise any objection, but on the contrary, appeared as
happy as could be.
As soon as Johnny struck the bed he began to roll and tumble, and in a
very short time succeeded in breaking the rope on his side, making it
very uncomfortable for both of us. We kept sinking gradually, till at
last our bodies were resting on the floor, with our feet and heads
considerably elevated.
I felt the consciousness of getting the best of it, as the straw still
remained on my side; and made up my mind to find no fault, but wait and
see what Johnny would have to say.
Hardly a word had passed between us since supper. Finally, discovering
that I was awake, he asked me if I was comfortable. I assured him that I
was resting splendidly.
He then asked, in a low tone, how I liked the supper, and what I thought
of the boarding house.
I replied that I thought the supper was fine, and that everything was
neat and clean and nice and tidy, the old lady a splendid cook, a good
conversationalist, and had a nice family of well-bred children; and as
for myself, _I liked it, it was so home-like_. Johnny made no reply, but
as I could see, was doing considerable thinking.
For breakfast we had hominy and coffee. If there was ever one thing I
detested more than another, it was hominy. But I partook of it heartily,
and conversed as pleasantly as possible with Johnny and the old lady.
For dinner we had a small piece of tainted beef-steak with some warmed
over sour potatoes and warm biscuit and butter.
I praised the dinner and especially the biscuit. The children never
failed to occupy their customary places nor to perform their usual
evolutions.
For supper the cup of tea and molasses cake were again brought out.
The third day Johnny once more asked me how I liked the boarding-house.
I said:
"Well, Johnny, I think it is nice. Every thing is neat and clean and
nice and tidy. The old lady is a splendid cook, a good conversationalist
and has a nice family of well-bred children, and as for myself _I like
it, it's so home-like_."
We made several successful auction sales, and I kept canvassing with the
polish.
Johnny found considerable difficulty in passing the time pleasantly at
the boarding-house. Having previously stopped at first-class hotels, the
contrast was far from agreeable, and I could see he was getting restive
and dissatisfied.
I had determined to use every effort in trying to keep him there as long
as possible. My experience had taught me that a cheap boarding-house was
no place to stop at, and I thought the sooner he learned the lesson the
better it would be for him.
On the fifth day, when he asked how I liked it by that time, I again
repeated:
"Why, Johnny, I think it's nice. Everything is neat and clean and nice
and tidy, the old lady is a splendid cook and a good conversationalist,
and has a nice family of well-bred children; and as for myself, _I like
it, it's so home-like_."
I noticed he eyed me very closely this time, but as I managed to get
through without a smile, and appeared thoroughly in earnest, he seemed
to consider it best not to express his opinion; and as I asked no
questions he said nothing, but looked pale and haggard, and appeared
nervous and anxious.
Matters went on as usual, with no improvement at the boarding-house,
except on Sunday for dinner we had flour gravy, which I was very fond
of, and complimented the old lady on her way of making it.
Johnny had nothing to say; and as he cared nothing for gravy, ate but
little, and looked silly.
As we passed into the sitting-room together I remarked:
"That's the kind of a dinner I like; _it's so home-like_."
He eyed me closely, said nothing, but looked bewildered.
On the seventh day at noon, as I was coming in from canvassing, I met
him down town. He looked haggard and hungry. When I came up and said
"it's about dinner-time, isn't it?" he answered: "Great Caesar! it's
about time to eat, anyhow, and I have got to have a square meal once
more."
"Well, come with me, Johnny, I'll take you to a nice place."
He followed, and as we passed into the restaurant the cashier said:
"How are you to-day Mr. Johnston?"
We took a seat at one of the tables, when Johnny began watching me
closely. Directly one of the waiters came to us and said:
"Mr. Johnston, we have your favorite dish, to-day, and it's very fine."
"Very well, then bring me a New England dinner."
At this Johnny's eyes fairly glistened, and he turned ghastly pale. Then