Twenty Years of Hus'ling
fourteenth cousin, I at once became interested in him and anxious to see
him in the Presidential chair.
I likewise began reading up on politics; and seeing the necessity of
familiarizing myself with the party platforms, so as to be able to score
every Democrat I met in good shape, I took the precaution to preserve
every good Republican speech I read, and at my leisure cut such extracts
from them as I considered good.
After getting a lot of these together I arranged them so as to read
smoothly, and pasted in a scrap book; and discovered that I had a "bang
up" political speech. I lost no time in committing it to memory, and was
thereby successful in carrying everything by storm.
As I could talk louder, longer and faster than the average person, I
usually experienced little trouble in making the Democrats "lay still."
At last, however, I came in contact with one landlord who was a Democrat
and who made it so very unpleasant for me that I concluded to
manufacture a Democratic speech also, in order to be prepared for
another such occasion.
Therefore I did the same as I did with the Republican speech; and
although I rather preferred Hayes, I didn't think my own prospects for a
post office were so flattering but that, when I considered it a matter
of policy, I could deliver a Democratic speech as well. This I often
did, with as much success as with the Republican.
Whenever I registered at a strange hotel, the first inquiry I made was
about the landlord's politics; and he always found me with him.
Before the campaign was over I had argued about equally for both
parties, and the day before election I felt that I ought to go into
mourning, because whichever was elected I knew I would be sorry it
wasn't the other.
I had been a red hot Democrat at Gallion, Ohio, and had made a great
many hotel-office speeches there, greatly to the satisfaction of the
landlord and his friends.
From there I went to Crestline, where I felt obliged to be a Republican,
and immediately made the acquaintance of two professional men, one a
doctor and the other a lawyer. Both were Republicans, and frequented
the hotel where I boarded. Neither of them could read very easily, on
account of having what I used to call "slivers in their eyes," caused by
excessive drinking. They enjoyed politics, however, and used to ask me
to read aloud to them. In order to flatter me and keep me interested in
the reading, every time I would finish an article the old lawyer would
jump up and down in his chair, and say:
"He's a good reader, a Jim-dandy reader."
"Damfeain't, damfeain't," the doctor would chime in, also jumping up and
down in his chair.
"Read some more, Johnston; read some more, you're a bully good reader."
I of course had frequent occasions to deliver my Republican speech while
there, or at least extracts from it; and as I also established quite a
reputation as an auctioneer, the two professional gentlemen said I ought
to have been making political speeches during the entire campaign.
The lawyer said he frequently went out to different points and made
speeches, and wanted me to go along the next time he went.
In a few days he asked me to accompany him fifteen miles to a
cross-roads school house the following evening. He was to make a
speech, and expected to meet a man from Gallion who would also speak;
and he wanted me to go with him, and get up and bury the Democratic
party forever, in that part of the country.
I at first hesitated, on account of having been a Democrat while at
Gallion, as I feared that the gentleman from there might have heard me
arguing at the hotel, and would give me away.
Fortunately, however, he failed to put in an appearance. The lawyer
delivered his speech, and after informing his audience that the Gallion
man was unable to come, introduced me as a substitute sent by him, and
represented me as a very promising young lawyer from Fremont, Ohio, the
very town where Mr. Hayes had always resided. I could tell them more of
his personal characteristics than any politician in the field.
I opened up on them like a thunderbolt, and succeeded in fairly mopping
the floor with the Democratic party.
After talking a full half hour, and relating many a little story which I
had picked up for the occasion, and was carrying my audience along under
full sail, with almost a full string counted up for the Republican
party, the old lawyer who sat behind me, pulled my coat-tail, and
began to laugh slightly. I noticed also a few intelligent-looking
gentlemen looking suspiciously at one another and laughing immoderately.
I became conscious that something was wrong, and suddenly realized that
I had unconsciously switched off onto my Democratic speech.
I hesitated a moment, and on a second's reflection realized that I had
been talking Democracy several minutes, and had said several things that
I couldn't take back. I became flustered, and hesitated and stumbled
more or less till I heard the lawyer say, in a low voice:
"Dang it, get out of it the best you can, and close 'er up--close 'er up
quick."
I then said:
"Gentlemen, I am compelled to make an honest, frank confession to you.
In the first place I must admit that my politics have become somewhat
tangled up in this particular speech; and as an apology for it must
honestly confess that I am a Democrat, and have been traveling all over
the country making Democratic speeches.
"But I was paid an extra stipulated price this evening to come over here
as a substitute and make a Republican speech; and dang me if I haven't
got fogged up. So, gentlemen, you must take the will for the deed; and
if you are able to unravel my speech, you are welcome to whichever
portion pleases you best."
Everybody laughed and yelled, and the majority of them wanted to shake
me by the hand and congratulate me.
The old lawyer said one good thing about it was, that the biggest part
of my speech was Republican, anyhow; and that I told them a good many
plain truths, too, while I was at it.
I asked how about the Democratic part. Weren't they facts, too?
"Well, yes, I guess they were; but, thank God, there wasn't much of it."
He said he couldn't see how on earth I could have gotten my politics so
badly mixed, and only for the fact that he positively knew me to be
engaged in selling polish and auctionering he would surely take my word
for it that I was a Democratic stump speaker. He said further, if I had
politics down a little bit finer, he couldn't see anything to prevent me
from striking a job in almost any town, as I would be sure to find
either a Democratic or Republican meeting wherever I went.
CHAPTER XXV.
CONTINUE TO SELL FOR MERCHANTS--WELL PREPARED FOR WINTER--TRADING A
SHOT-GUN FOR A HORSE AND WAGON--AUCTIONEERING FOR MYSELF--MR. KEEFER
NEEDING HELP--HOW I RESPONDED--TURNING MY HORSE OUT TO PASTURE--ENGAGED
TO SELL ON COMMISSION--HOW I SUCCEEDED--OUT OF A JOB--BUSTED--HOW I MADE
A RAISE--A RETURN TO THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE--PEDDLING WITH A HORSE AND
WAGON--MEETING AN OLD FRIEND--MISERY LIKES COMPANY--WE HUS'LE
TOGETHER--PERFORMING A SURGICAL OPERATION--A PUGILISTIC ENCOUNTER--OUR
WILD-WEST STORIES--BROKE AGAIN--A HARD CUSTOMER--ANOTHER RAISE.
I kept up my plan of engaging with merchants to sell out their
accumulated hard stocks, and never lost an opportunity to put in my
spare time selling polish. I was determined that old Jack Frost should
not catch me again with my summer clothes on and no coal in the bin; and
when winter came, my family and myself were well provided for. We had
plenty of coal and wood, a cellar well filled with all kinds of winter
vegetables, a half barrel of corned beef, a barrel of flour, a tub of
butter, and I was still "hus'ling." Snow storms could not be severe
enough to keep me from peddling; and although I called on many ladies
who plainly showed their disgust at me for tracking the snow over their
carpets, I knew I was working for a good cause, and that they had only
to see to be convinced.
I was obliged to spend considerable money for additional furniture for
housekeeping and the general comforts of life; and when spring came
again I was a little short financially, but determined, now that my
family were comfortably situated, to make an earnest effort to procure a
stock of auction goods for myself.
One day while canvassing with the polish, a young man wanted to trade
for the recipe so he could travel with it. I soon struck a deal with him
and received seventeen dollars in cash and an old shot-gun. I laid the
money away carefully, thinking I would try and sell the gun and have
that much towards a stock of goods. I did not succeed, however, in
making this sale, and so took it home with me.
One day as I was walking down town I met two men leading a poor, old,
bony horse out of town and carrying a gun.
I learned from their conversation that they were going to kill the old
nag. I asked the reason and they said he was so old he couldn't eat and
was starving to death. I examined his mouth and found his front teeth
were so very long that when the mouth was closed there was a
considerable space between the back teeth, which of course, would
prevent him from grinding the feed.
I inquired of the owner if he also owned a wagon or harness. He said he
did. I next asked what he would take for the whole rig, horse, harness
and wagon.
He wanted twenty-five dollars. I told him about my shot-gun and offered
to trade with him. He accompanied me to my house and I very quickly
closed a trade, receiving the whole outfit for the gun.
I was not long in filing the old horse's front teeth down, by which he
was enabled to eat, much to his satisfaction and to my gain.
I then ordered seventeen dollars' worth of notions, bought an old second
hand trunk, had a couple of tin lamps made to use for street
illumination, and started on my first trip as proprietor and
auctioneer.
The old horse I think meant all right enough, that is if he meant any
thing at all, but he wasn't much good. He couldn't have been built right
in the first place, for though he could eat more than three ordinary
horses and seemed willing enough to make a good showing, yet I was
always obliged to get out and push whenever we came to the least
incline; and at the slightest noise sounding like the word "whoa" he
would stop instantly. But with him, stopping was one thing and starting
another.
I made a practice of commencing early in the morning and selling polish
among the farmers during the day-time, and driving into some country
town just at night-fall and making an auction sale on the street by
torch light.
I had small packages of notions sent on ahead C.O.D. from the wholesale
house with which I was dealing. In this way I was able to carry on quite
a business.
I bantered every one I met to trade horses, but no one seemed to take a
particular fancy to my animal.
I kept up this system of auctioneering and selling polish till into
the summer, and had succeeded in getting a trunk full of goods, and
began to feel that I was in a fair way to make money rapidly.
One day I received a letter from Mr. Keefer saying he must have help
from some source. His note was coming due at the bank besides other
obligations which he must meet, and if it were possible for me to assist
him in any way he wished I would do so.
This was the first time he had ever asked me for assistance, and not
once could I remember that he had ever refused me aid when I asked it of
him.
It was not necessary for him to make any explanations to convince me