Twenty Years of Hus'ling
When I returned to my partner, who was still trying to fix it, he was
nervous and showed much agitation, and said:
"Oh, what a relief. I would have sunk through the floor if you had
announced what you said you were going to."
"Do you think you can fix it?"
"It don't look like it. Say, Johnston, suppose you deliver that lecture
on Photography?"
"On Telegraphy, you mean."
"Oh yes, Telegraphy. Go ahead."
"But it won't take three minutes to tell all I know about that."
"Well then, by Jove, we've got to give back the money."
"Not much! No giving back the money with me; and as I sold the tickets
and have the cash, you can rely on that. You have got to do something to
entertain these people. You can sing can't you?"
"Indeed I can not."
"Can you whistle?"
"No, sir."
"Can you do anything? Can you speak a piece?"
"Johnston, if my life was at stake I couldn't do a thing! ---- the old
talking machine anyhow! I wish--"
"Say, I'll tell you what we'll do. I'll announce to them that the
Phonograph is too sick to talk, and will give them a choice of three
things: Either a lecture on Phrenology or Telegraphy, or an imitation of
a Yankee peddler selling his wares at auction; and the moment I say
'auction' you look up and begin to laugh and clap your hands and say,
'Johnston, give them the Yankee peddler; that's the best of all.'"
He agreed, and when I made the announcement he had no sooner carried
out my instructions than the whole house cried as with one voice:
"Yes, yes, give us the Yankee peddler!"
Then I felt relieved and knew we had them. I then explained that Yankee
peddlers usually carried handkerchiefs, sox, hosiery, shears,
shoe-laces, suspenders, soap, pencils, pins, razors, knives, etc., and
if some one of the crowd would name any article, I would go through the
formality of selling it on the down east Dutch auction style.
A lad sitting near me on a front seat cried out:
"Here, Mister, play you are selling my knife," and reaching out and
taking it in my hand, after making a few preliminary remarks, I began
with the twang of the almost extinct down east Yankee, and in a
high-pitched voice and at lightning speed, rattled off:
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, the first article I am going to offer for
your inspection is a fine silver-steel blade knife with a
mother-of-pearl handle, brass lined, round-joint tapped and riveted tip
top and bottom a knife made under an act of Congress at the rate of
thirty-six dollars per dozen there is a blade for every day in the week
and a handle for your wife to play with on Sunday it will cut cast-iron
steam steel wind or bone and will stick a hog frog toad or the devil and
has a spring on it like a mule's hind leg and sells in the regular way
for--"
I then went on with my usual plan of selling, and introduced the endless
variety of sayings and jokes which I had been two years manufacturing
and collecting, and then went on through the whole list of Yankee
notions, giving my full description of everything, to the great
satisfaction of my audience and the surprise of my partner, who was in
ignorance of the fact of my ever having been in the auction business.
I kept this up for over two hours and kept the crowd laughing almost
constantly. This, I considered, was about as much as any show could do,
and felt that I was not only entitled to their money, but that I had
struck quite a novel way of utilizing my knowledge of auctioneering.
After closing the entertainment the people gathered around, and many of
them wanted me to stay in the neighborhood and deliver a lecture the
next night on Phrenology. But as we were billed at Elkhart for that
date, it was impossible to do so. We remained over night with the school
director, and the next morning he requested me to delineate the
character of his son by an examination of his head.
I had always been interested in the study of human nature, and
consequently had taken considerable pains to read up and post myself on
Physiognomy. I had a fair knowledge of temperaments, and altogether was
enabled to pass fair judgment on the lad. While I hadn't the slightest
knowledge of Phrenology, I was more or less familiar with the terms used
by them, such as benevolence, veneration, firmness, self-esteem,
approbativeness, caution, combativeness, ideality, etc., etc., and began
at once to delineate the boy's character.
When I placed my fingers on the front part of the boy's head and looked
wise, saying "large combativeness," the father said:
"Great Caesar! do you locate combativeness in the front of the head?"
"Who in thunder said it was in the front of the head?"
"But you put your fingers on the front part of the head."
"Yes, possibly so, but if I did my thumb was at the same time resting
on the bump of combativeness. My gracious, any one knows where that is!"
This satisfied him, and the whole family were delighted with the boy's
prospects when I had finished.
We were then ready to leave, and when I asked how much our bill would
be, he said he guessed two dollars would be about right, and then
inquired what my charges would be for examining the boy's head. I told
him two dollars and a half was the usual price, but we'd call it square
on our board bill. He said he thought it would be about right to call it
even.
My partner thought it the most wonderful thing he had ever heard of that
I should be able to jump up before that large crowd of people, as I did
the night before, and conjure up such a lot of talk on notions, and he
couldn't see how I did it. He said he believed I was inspired.
On our return to Elkhart we divided our cash and dissolved partnership.
CHAPTER XXIX.
IN THE AUCTION BUSINESS AGAIN--A NEW CONVEYANCE FOR STREET SALES--MY
TRIP THROUGH THE LUMBER REGIONS--A SUCCESSFUL SUMMER CAMPAIGN--A
WINTER'S TRIP THROUGH THE SOUTH--MY RETURN TO GRAND RAPIDS, MICH.--A
TRIP TO LAKE SUPERIOR--SELLING NEEDLES AS A SIDE ISSUE--HOW I DID
IT--STATE LICENSE DEMANDED BY AN OFFICER--HOW I TURNED THE TABLES ON
HIM--BUYING OUT A COUNTRY STORE--A GREAT SALE OF PAPER CAMBRIC DRESS
PATTERNS--A COMPROMISE WITH THE BUYERS--MY RETURN TO CHICAGO--FLUSH AND
FLYING HIGH.
As my goods had arrived at Elkhart, I started out immediately, selling
from a trunk, and met with splendid success. I concluded to make a trip
north, through the lumber country. As my facilities were going to be
poor for hiring livery teams in the majority of those towns, with
which to drive out upon the streets to make a sale, I began trying to
invent something to take with me on which to put my trunks when selling.
One day I saw a gentleman pushing a two-wheeled cart, and it occurred to
me that I could put end-boards on it, and after placing a trunk on each
end I could stand up very nicely in the center, which would bring me at
just about the proper height above my audience.
Acting accordingly, I bought the cart, and after having the end-boards
put on and a standard made to fasten at the rear end of the box to keep
the thing from tipping backward, I bought another trunk and made "a
pitch" with it.
It was just the thing. I could give the baggage-men on the trains from
twenty-five to fifty cents each time I made a trip and when I arrived at
my destination it would be thrown off with my trunks. I was thereafter
troubled no more with the annoyance of procuring a suitable conveyance
to sell from.
I traveled through the lumber country in Michigan and very soon remitted
my new friend, Doctor Ingraham, the full amount of my indebtedness, and
explained to him my new plan which was saving me lots of money in livery
hire.
His reply, acknowledging the receipt of the money, did me more good
than the making of a small fortune would have done. He assured me that
if I ever needed assistance I could always depend on him, as he liked a
good "hus'ler" and liked to favor them all he could, when he knew they
were square.
My wife joined me a few weeks later, leaving little Frankie with my
mother. She traveled with me all summer and business kept fairly good.
We continued on till fall, when she returned to Ohio and I went South to
the climate my mother had previously recommended as adapted to straw
hats and linen dusters.
I remained there during the winter, meeting with fair success, and
returned to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where I remained a few weeks.
On May first my wife met me there, when we started on a trip to the Lake
Superior country, visiting all the mining towns and meeting with
unusually good success.
During the entire trip I paid all our traveling expenses with the sale
of needles. This I managed by employing four small boys each day in
every town to peddle them for me. I put the needles up in twenty-five
cent packages, and gave each boy five cents commission per package on
his sales, and always made it a point to select not more than one boy
from any particular neighborhood or locality, and instructed him to call
on every relative and neighbor he had, and if possible make a sale; and
for every extra day I remained in town I would employ a new set of boys.
In this way I managed to reach almost every house in every town I
visited, and although my time was almost wholly occupied in keeping my
auction stock in shape, I was able to manage this little scheme so as to
net me a regular profit of from three to ten dollars per day.
I still kept my two-wheeled cart, which I could hardly have dispensed
with in a country where horses and carriages were scarce. We pushed our
way toward the north, with but few incidents worthy of mention.
At Sault St. Marie we were obliged to remain five days before getting a
boat to Marquette, and the first night I opened my sale there was called
upon by an officer who demanded a State license. This was the first time
I had ever been asked for State license, and the first intimation I had
ever had that there was a law requiring it. But as Governor Crosswell
and staff were then visiting the town and were at that moment sitting on
the porch of the hotel witnessing my sale, it instantly occurred to me
that the gentleman was making himself over-officious, with a view to
making a favorable impression upon the State officials.
And as he showed considerable awkwardness in demanding a license by
inquiring if I had State license to sell, I quickly "sized him up" and
said:
"No sir, I have no license to sell, but I have soap and fine tooth combs
for sale, and the Lord knows you need them more than you do a license."
He appeared considerably offended and displaying his star said:
"I demand your license, sir!"
"Do you understand the laws regarding your duty as an officer?"
"I think I do, sir."
"Then, sir, you know you have no right, under the law, to ask me for a
license. Your only course is to make inquiries of the Secretary of
State, and as that official is sitting right there on the porch, not
more than twenty feet from here, I'll refer you to him; but unless you
are prepared to pay damages don't you interrupt me again, for I want
you to distinctly understand that my license entitles me to the
privilege of doing all the talking there is done here to-night, and I
propose to do it. If you have anything to say, you must go outside the
corporation."
I resumed business immediately, when I heard the officer say (as he
passed out, amid the hisses and laughter of my audience):
"I'll see a lawyer about this."
The next day I interviewed the Governor and the State Secretary and
Treasurer, and was informed that there was a law requiring the payment
of fifteen dollars per annum for State license.
I prevailed upon them to allow me to pay the amount to them and receive