Wit and Wisdom of Don Quixote
are always more estimable and safe, for in them there can be no mistake,
whereas in such as are compounded all is hazard and uncertainty.
Therefore, what I would at present advise my lord governor to eat, in
order to corroborate and preserve his health, is about a hundred small
rolled-up wafers, with some thin slices of marmalade, that may sit upon
the stomach and help digestion."
Sancho, hearing this, threw himself backward in his chair, and looking
at the doctor from head to foot very seriously, asked him his name and
where he had studied. To which he answered, "My lord governor, my name
is Doctor Pedro Rezio de Aguero; I am a native of a place called
Tirteafuera, lying between Caraquel and Almoddobar del Campo, on the
right hand, and I have taken my doctor's degrees in the university of
Ossuna."
"Then, hark you," said Sancho in a rage, "Signor Doctor Pedro Rezzio de
Aguero, native of Tirteafuera, lying on the right hand as we go from
Caraquel to Almoddobar del Campo, graduate in Ossuna, get out of my
sight this instant, or, by the light of Heaven, I will take a cudgel,
and, beginning with your carcass, will so belabor all the physic-mongers
in the island, that not one of the tribe shall be left!--I mean of those
like yourself, who are ignorant quacks. For those who are learned and
wise I shall make much of and honor as so many angels. I say again,
Signor Pedro Rezio, begone, or I shall take the chair I sit on and comb
your head to some tune; and if I am called to an account for it when I
give up my office, I shall prove that I have done a good service in
ridding the world of a bad physician, who is a public executioner. Body
of me! give me something to eat, or let them take back their
government,--for an office that will not find a man in victuals is not
worth two beans."
On seeing the governor in such a fury the doctor would have fled out in
the hall had not the sound of a courier's horn at that instant been
heard in the street. "A courier from my lord duke," said the sewer (who
had looked out of the window), "and he must certainly have brought
despatches of importance."
The courier entered hastily, foaming with sweat and in great agitation,
and pulling a packet out of his bosom, he delivered it into the
governor's hands, and by him it was given to the steward, telling him to
read the superscription, which was this: "To Don Sancho Panza, Governor
of the Island of Barataria. To be delivered only to himself or to his
secretary."
"Who is my secretary?" said Sancho.
"It is I, my lord," answered one who was present, "for I can read and
write, and am, besides, a Biscayan."
"With that addition," quoth Sancho, "you may very well be secretary to
the emperor himself. Open the packet and see what it holds."
The new secretary did so, and having run his eye over the contents, he
said it was a business which required privacy. Accordingly, Sancho
commanded all to retire excepting the steward and sewer; and when the
hall was cleared, the secretary read the following letter:--
"It has just come to my knowledge, Signor Don Panza, that certain
enemies of mine intend very soon to make a desperate attack, by night,
upon the island under your command; it is necessary, therefore, to be
vigilant and alert, that you may not be taken by surprise. I have also
received intelligence from trusty spies, that four persons in disguise
are now in your town, sent thither by the enemy, who, fearful of your
great talents, have a design upon your life. Keep a strict watch, be
careful who are admitted to you, and eat nothing sent you as a present.
I will not fail to send you assistance if you are in want of it.
Whatever may be attempted, I have full reliance on your activity and
judgment.
"Your friend,
"THE DUKE.
"From this place, the 16th of August, at four in the morning."
Sancho was astonished at this information, and the others appeared to be
no less so. At length, turning to the steward, "I will tell you," said
he, "the first thing to be done, which is to clap Doctor Rezio into a
dungeon; for if anybody has a design to kill me, it is he, and that by
the most lingering and the worst of all deaths,--starvation."
"Be that as it may," said the steward, "it is my opinion your honor
would do well to eat none of the meat here upon the table, for it was
presented by some nuns, and it is a saying, 'The devil lurks behind the
cross.'"
"You are in the right," quoth Sancho, "and for the present give me only
a piece of bread and some four pounds of grapes,--there can be no poison
in them,--for, in truth, I cannot live without food, and if we must keep
in readiness for these battles that threaten us, it is fit that we
should be well fed, for the stomach upholds the heart and the heart the
man. Do you, Mr. Secretary, answer the letter of my lord duke, and tell
him his commands shall be obeyed throughout most faithfully; and present
my dutiful respects to my lady duchess, and beg her not to forget to
send a special messenger with my letter and bundle to my wife Teresa
Panza, which I shall take as a particular favor, and will be her humble
servant to the utmost of my power. And, by the way, you may put in my
hearty service to my master, Don Quixote de la Mancha, that he may see
that I am neither forgetful nor ungrateful; and as to the rest, I leave
it to you, as a good secretary and a true Biscayan, to add whatever you
please, or that may turn to the best account. Now away with this cloth,
and bring me something that may be eaten, and then let these spies,
murderers, and enchanters see how they meddle with me or my island."
A page now entered, saying, "Here is a countryman who would speak with
your lordship on business, as he says, of great importance."
"It is very strange," quoth Saneho, "that these men of business should
be so silly as not to see that this is not a time for such matters.
What! we who govern and belike are not made of flesh and bone like
other men! We are made of marble-stone, forsooth, and have no need of
rest or refreshment! Before Heaven and upon my conscience, if my
government lasts, as I have a glimmering it will not, I shall hamper
more than one of these men of business! Well, for this once, tell the
fellow to come in; but first see that he is no spy, nor one of my
murderers."
"He looks, my lord," answered the page, "like a simple fellow, and I am
much mistaken if he be not as harmless as a crust of bread."
"Your worship need not fear," quoth the steward, "since we are with
you."
"But now that Doctor Pedro Rezio is gone," quoth Sancho, "may I not have
something to eat of substance and weight, though it were but a luncheon
of bread and an onion?"
"At night your honor shall have no cause to complain," quoth the sewer;
"supper shall make up for the want of dinner."
"Heaven grant it may," replied Sancho.
THE COUNTRYMAN'S TALE.
The countryman, who was of goodly presence, then came in, and it might
be seen a thousand leagues off that he was an honest, good soul.
"Which among you here is the lord governor?" said he.
"Who should it be," answered the secretary, "but he who is seated in the
chair?"
"I humble myself in his presence," quoth the countryman; and kneeling
down, he begged for his hand to kiss.
Sancho refused it, and commanded him to rise and tell his business. The
countryman did so, and said: "My lord, I am a husbandman, a native of
Miguel Terra, two leagues from Ciudad Real."
"What! another Tirteafuera?" quoth Sancho. "Say on, brother; for let me
tell you, I know Miguel Terra very well; it is not very far from my own
village."
"The business is this, sir," continued the peasant: "by the mercy of
Heaven I was married in peace and in the face of the holy Roman Catholic
Church. I have two sons, bred scholars; the younger studies for
bachelor, and the elder for licentiate. I am a widower, for my wife
died, or rather a wicked physician killed her by improper medicines when
she was pregnant; and if it had been God's will that the child had been
born, and had proved a son, I would have put him to study for doctor,
that he might not envy his two brothers, the bachelor and the
licentiate."
"So that, if your wife," quoth Sancho, "had not died, or had not been
killed, you would not now be a widower."
"No, certainly, my lord," answered the peasant.
"We are much the nearer," replied Sancho; "go on, friend, for this is an
hour rather for bed than business."
"I say, then," quoth the countryman, "that my son who is to be the
bachelor fell in love with a damsel in the same village, called Clara
Perlerino, daughter of Andres Perlerino, a very rich farmer; which name
of Perlerino came to them not by lineal or any other descent, but
because all of that race are paralytic; and to mend the name, they call
them Perlerinos. Indeed, to say the truth, the damsel is like any
oriental pearl, and looked at on the right side seems a very flower of
the field; but on the left not quite so fair, for on that side she wants
an eye, which she lost by the small-pox; and though the pits in her face
are many and deep, her admirers say they are not pits but graves wherein
the hearts of her lovers are buried. So clean and delicate, too, is she,
that to prevent defiling her face, she carries her nose so hooked up
that it seems to fly from her mouth; yet for all that she looks
charmingly, for she has a large mouth, and did she not lack half a score
or a dozen front teeth she might pass and make a figure among the
fairest. I say nothing of her lips, for they are so thin that, were it
the fashion to reel lips, one might make a skein of them; but, being of
a different color from what is usual in lips, they have a marvellous
appearance, for they are streaked with blue, green, and orange-tawny.
Pardon me, good my lord governor, if I paint so minutely the parts of
her who is about to become my daughter; for in truth I love and admire
her more than I can tell."
"Paint what you will," quoth Sancho, "for I am mightily taken with the
picture; and had I but dined, I would not desire a better dessert than
your portrait."
"It shall be always at your service," answered the peasant; "and the
time may come when we may be acquainted, though we are not so now; and
I assure you, my lord, if I could but paint her genteelness and the
tallness of her person, you would admire: but that cannot be, because
she is crooked, and crumpled up together, and her knees touch her mouth;
though, for all that, you may see plainly that could she but stand
upright she would touch the ceiling with her head. And she would ere now
have given her hand to my bachelor to be his wife, but that she cannot
stretch it out, it is so shrunk; nevertheless, her long guttered nails
show the goodness of its make."
"So far so good," quoth Sancho; "and now, brother, make account that you
have painted her from head to foot. What is it you would be at? Come to
the point without so many windings and turnings, so many fetches and
digressions."
"What I desire, my lord," answered the countryman, "is, that your
lordship would do me the favor to give me a letter of recommendation to
her father, begging his consent to the match, since we are pretty equal
in our fortunes and natural endowments; for, to say the truth, my lord
governor, my son is possessed, and scarcely a day passes in which the
evil spirits do not torment him three or four times; and having thereby
once fallen into the fire, his face is as shrivelled as a piece of
scorched parchment, and his eyes are somewhat bleared and running; but,
bless him! he has the temper of an angel, and did he not buffet and
belabor himself, he would be a very saint for gentleness."
"Would you have anything else, honest friend?" said Sancho.