Barnaby Rudge: A Tale of the Riots of 'Eighty
‘Miggs,’ said Mrs Varden faintly, and with symptoms of approaching
incoherence, ‘is attached to me, and that is sufficient to draw down
hatred upon her in this house. She is a comfort to me, whatever she may
be to others.’
‘She’s no comfort to me,’ cried Gabriel, made bold by despair. ‘She’s
the misery of my life. She’s all the plagues of Egypt in one.’
‘She’s considered so, I have no doubt,’ said Mrs Varden. ‘I was prepared
for that; it’s natural; it’s of a piece with the rest. When you taunt
me as you do to my face, how can I wonder that you taunt her behind her
back!’ And here the incoherence coming on very strong, Mrs Varden wept,
and laughed, and sobbed, and shivered, and hiccoughed, and choked; and
said she knew it was very foolish but she couldn’t help it; and that
when she was dead and gone, perhaps they would be sorry for it--which
really under the circumstances did not appear quite so probable as she
seemed to think--with a great deal more to the same effect. In a word,
she passed with great decency through all the ceremonies incidental to
such occasions; and being supported upstairs, was deposited in a highly
spasmodic state on her own bed, where Miss Miggs shortly afterwards
flung herself upon the body.
The philosophy of all this was, that Mrs Varden wanted to go to
Chigwell; that she did not want to make any concession or explanation;
that she would only go on being implored and entreated so to do; and
that she would accept no other terms. Accordingly, after a vast amount
of moaning and crying upstairs, and much damping of foreheads, and
vinegaring of temples, and hartshorning of noses, and so forth;
and after most pathetic adjurations from Miggs, assisted by warm
brandy-and-water not over-weak, and divers other cordials, also of
a stimulating quality, administered at first in teaspoonfuls and
afterwards in increasing doses, and of which Miss Miggs herself partook
as a preventive measure (for fainting is infectious); after all these
remedies, and many more too numerous to mention, but not to take,
had been applied; and many verbal consolations, moral, religious, and
miscellaneous, had been super-added thereto; the locksmith humbled
himself, and the end was gained.
‘If it’s only for the sake of peace and quietness, father,’ said Dolly,
urging him to go upstairs.
‘Oh, Doll, Doll,’ said her good-natured father. ‘If you ever have a
husband of your own--’
Dolly glanced at the glass.
‘--Well, WHEN you have,’ said the locksmith, ‘never faint, my darling.
More domestic unhappiness has come of easy fainting, Doll, than from all
the greater passions put together. Remember that, my dear, if you would
be really happy, which you never can be, if your husband isn’t. And a
word in your ear, my precious. Never have a Miggs about you!’
With this advice he kissed his blooming daughter on the cheek, and
slowly repaired to Mrs Varden’s room; where that lady, lying all pale
and languid on her couch, was refreshing herself with a sight of her
last new bonnet, which Miggs, as a means of calming her scattered
spirits, displayed to the best advantage at her bedside.
‘Here’s master, mim,’ said Miggs. ‘Oh, what a happiness it is when man
and wife come round again! Oh gracious, to think that him and her should
ever have a word together!’ In the energy of these sentiments, which
were uttered as an apostrophe to the Heavens in general, Miss Miggs
perched the bonnet on the top of her own head, and folding her hands,
turned on her tears.
‘I can’t help it,’ cried Miggs. ‘I couldn’t, if I was to be drownded in
‘em. She has such a forgiving spirit! She’ll forget all that has passed,
and go along with you, sir--Oh, if it was to the world’s end, she’d go
along with you.’
Mrs Varden with a faint smile gently reproved her attendant for this
enthusiasm, and reminded her at the same time that she was far too
unwell to venture out that day.
‘Oh no, you’re not, mim, indeed you’re not,’ said Miggs; ‘I repeal to
master; master knows you’re not, mim. The hair, and motion of the shay,
will do you good, mim, and you must not give way, you must not raly. She
must keep up, mustn’t she, sir, for all our sakes? I was a telling
her that, just now. She must remember us, even if she forgets herself.
Master will persuade you, mim, I’m sure. There’s Miss Dolly’s a-going
you know, and master, and you, and all so happy and so comfortable. Oh!’
cried Miggs, turning on the tears again, previous to quitting the room
in great emotion, ‘I never see such a blessed one as she is for the
forgiveness of her spirit, I never, never, never did. Not more did
master neither; no, nor no one--never!’
For five minutes or thereabouts, Mrs Varden remained mildly opposed to
all her husband’s prayers that she would oblige him by taking a day’s
pleasure, but relenting at length, she suffered herself to be persuaded,
and granting him her free forgiveness (the merit whereof, she meekly
said, rested with the Manual and not with her), desired that Miggs might
come and help her dress. The handmaid attended promptly, and it is but
justice to their joint exertions to record that, when the good lady came
downstairs in course of time, completely decked out for the journey, she
really looked as if nothing had happened, and appeared in the very best
health imaginable.
As to Dolly, there she was again, the very pink and pattern of good
looks, in a smart little cherry-coloured mantle, with a hood of the same
drawn over her head, and upon the top of that hood, a little straw hat
trimmed with cherry-coloured ribbons, and worn the merest trifle on one
side--just enough in short to make it the wickedest and most provoking
head-dress that ever malicious milliner devised. And not to speak of the
manner in which these cherry-coloured decorations brightened her eyes,
or vied with her lips, or shed a new bloom on her face, she wore such
a cruel little muff, and such a heart-rending pair of shoes, and was so
surrounded and hemmed in, as it were, by aggravations of all kinds, that
when Mr Tappettit, holding the horse’s head, saw her come out of the
house alone, such impulses came over him to decoy her into the chaise
and drive off like mad, that he would unquestionably have done it, but
for certain uneasy doubts besetting him as to the shortest way to
Gretna Green; whether it was up the street or down, or up the right-hand
turning or the left; and whether, supposing all the turnpikes to be
carried by storm, the blacksmith in the end would marry them on credit;
which by reason of his clerical office appeared, even to his excited
imagination, so unlikely, that he hesitated. And while he stood
hesitating, and looking post-chaises-and-six at Dolly, out came his
master and his mistress, and the constant Miggs, and the opportunity
was gone for ever. For now the chaise creaked upon its springs, and Mrs
Varden was inside; and now it creaked again, and more than ever, and
the locksmith was inside; and now it bounded once, as if its heart beat
lightly, and Dolly was inside; and now it was gone and its place
was empty, and he and that dreary Miggs were standing in the street
together.
The hearty locksmith was in as good a humour as if nothing had occurred
for the last twelve months to put him out of his way, Dolly was all
smiles and graces, and Mrs Varden was agreeable beyond all precedent. As
they jogged through the streets talking of this thing and of that, who
should be descried upon the pavement but that very coachmaker, looking
so genteel that nobody would have believed he had ever had anything to
do with a coach but riding in it, and bowing like any nobleman. To
be sure Dolly was confused when she bowed again, and to be sure the
cherry-coloured ribbons trembled a little when she met his mournful eye,
which seemed to say, ‘I have kept my word, I have begun, the business is
going to the devil, and you’re the cause of it.’ There he stood, rooted
to the ground: as Dolly said, like a statue; and as Mrs Varden said,
like a pump; till they turned the corner: and when her father thought
it was like his impudence, and her mother wondered what he meant by it,
Dolly blushed again till her very hood was pale.
But on they went, not the less merrily for this, and there was the
locksmith in the incautious fulness of his heart ‘pulling-up’ at all
manner of places, and evincing a most intimate acquaintance with all the
taverns on the road, and all the landlords and all the landladies, with
whom, indeed, the little horse was on equally friendly terms, for he
kept on stopping of his own accord. Never were people so glad to see
other people as these landlords and landladies were to behold Mr Varden
and Mrs Varden and Miss Varden; and wouldn’t they get out, said one; and
they really must walk upstairs, said another; and she would take it
ill and be quite certain they were proud if they wouldn’t have a little
taste of something, said a third; and so on, that it was really quite a
Progress rather than a ride, and one continued scene of hospitality from
beginning to end. It was pleasant enough to be held in such esteem, not
to mention the refreshments; so Mrs Varden said nothing at the time,
and was all affability and delight--but such a body of evidence as
she collected against the unfortunate locksmith that day, to be used
thereafter as occasion might require, never was got together for
matrimonial purposes.
In course of time--and in course of a pretty long time too, for these
agreeable interruptions delayed them not a little,--they arrived upon
the skirts of the Forest, and riding pleasantly on among the trees, came
at last to the Maypole, where the locksmith’s cheerful ‘Yoho!’ speedily
brought to the porch old John, and after him young Joe, both of whom
were so transfixed at sight of the ladies, that for a moment they were
perfectly unable to give them any welcome, and could do nothing but
stare.
It was only for a moment, however, that Joe forgot himself, for speedily
reviving he thrust his drowsy father aside--to Mr Willet’s mighty and
inexpressible indignation--and darting out, stood ready to help them to
alight. It was necessary for Dolly to get out first. Joe had her in his
arms;--yes, though for a space of time no longer than you could count
one in, Joe had her in his arms. Here was a glimpse of happiness!
It would be difficult to describe what a flat and commonplace affair the
helping Mrs Varden out afterwards was, but Joe did it, and did it too
with the best grace in the world. Then old John, who, entertaining a
dull and foggy sort of idea that Mrs Varden wasn’t fond of him, had been
in some doubt whether she might not have come for purposes of assault
and battery, took courage, hoped she was well, and offered to conduct
her into the house. This tender being amicably received, they marched
in together; Joe and Dolly followed, arm-in-arm, (happiness again!) and
Varden brought up the rear.
Old John would have it that they must sit in the bar, and nobody
objecting, into the bar they went. All bars are snug places, but the
Maypole’s was the very snuggest, cosiest, and completest bar, that ever
the wit of man devised. Such amazing bottles in old oaken pigeon-holes;
such gleaming tankards dangling from pegs at about the same inclination
as thirsty men would hold them to their lips; such sturdy little Dutch
kegs ranged in rows on shelves; so many lemons hanging in separate nets,
and forming the fragrant grove already mentioned in this chronicle,
suggestive, with goodly loaves of snowy sugar stowed away hard by,
of punch, idealised beyond all mortal knowledge; such closets, such
presses, such drawers full of pipes, such places for putting things
away in hollow window-seats, all crammed to the throat with eatables,