Crime and Punishment
“Rodya, don’t be angry, I don’t dare to question you. I know I mustn’t.
Only say two words to me--is it far where you are going?”
“Very far.”
“What is awaiting you there? Some post or career for you?”
“What God sends... only pray for me.” Raskolnikov went to the door, but
she clutched him and gazed despairingly into his eyes. Her face worked
with terror.
“Enough, mother,” said Raskolnikov, deeply regretting that he had come.
“Not for ever, it’s not yet for ever? You’ll come, you’ll come
to-morrow?”
“I will, I will, good-bye.” He tore himself away at last.
It was a warm, fresh, bright evening; it had cleared up in the morning.
Raskolnikov went to his lodgings; he made haste. He wanted to finish all
before sunset. He did not want to meet anyone till then. Going up the
stairs he noticed that Nastasya rushed from the samovar to watch him
intently. “Can anyone have come to see me?” he wondered. He had a
disgusted vision of Porfiry. But opening his door he saw Dounia. She
was sitting alone, plunged in deep thought, and looked as though she had
been waiting a long time. He stopped short in the doorway. She rose from
the sofa in dismay and stood up facing him. Her eyes, fixed upon him,
betrayed horror and infinite grief. And from those eyes alone he saw at
once that she knew.
“Am I to come in or go away?” he asked uncertainly.
“I’ve been all day with Sofya Semyonovna. We were both waiting for you.
We thought that you would be sure to come there.”
Raskolnikov went into the room and sank exhausted on a chair.
“I feel weak, Dounia, I am very tired; and I should have liked at this
moment to be able to control myself.”
He glanced at her mistrustfully.
“Where were you all night?”
“I don’t remember clearly. You see, sister, I wanted to make up my mind
once for all, and several times I walked by the Neva, I remember that
I wanted to end it all there, but... I couldn’t make up my mind,” he
whispered, looking at her mistrustfully again.
“Thank God! That was just what we were afraid of, Sofya Semyonovna and
I. Then you still have faith in life? Thank God, thank God!”
Raskolnikov smiled bitterly.
“I haven’t faith, but I have just been weeping in mother’s arms; I
haven’t faith, but I have just asked her to pray for me. I don’t know
how it is, Dounia, I don’t understand it.”
“Have you been at mother’s? Have you told her?” cried Dounia,
horror-stricken. “Surely you haven’t done that?”
“No, I didn’t tell her... in words; but she understood a great deal.
She heard you talking in your sleep. I am sure she half understands it
already. Perhaps I did wrong in going to see her. I don’t know why I did
go. I am a contemptible person, Dounia.”
“A contemptible person, but ready to face suffering! You are, aren’t
you?”
“Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I thought of
drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the water, I thought that
if I had considered myself strong till now I’d better not be afraid of
disgrace,” he said, hurrying on. “It’s pride, Dounia.”
“Pride, Rodya.”
There was a gleam of fire in his lustreless eyes; he seemed to be glad
to think that he was still proud.
“You don’t think, sister, that I was simply afraid of the water?” he
asked, looking into her face with a sinister smile.
“Oh, Rodya, hush!” cried Dounia bitterly. Silence lasted for two
minutes. He sat with his eyes fixed on the floor; Dounia stood at the
other end of the table and looked at him with anguish. Suddenly he got
up.
“It’s late, it’s time to go! I am going at once to give myself up. But I
don’t know why I am going to give myself up.”
Big tears fell down her cheeks.
“You are crying, sister, but can you hold out your hand to me?”
“You doubted it?”
She threw her arms round him.
“Aren’t you half expiating your crime by facing the suffering?” she
cried, holding him close and kissing him.
“Crime? What crime?” he cried in sudden fury. “That I killed a vile
noxious insect, an old pawnbroker woman, of use to no one!... Killing
her was atonement for forty sins. She was sucking the life out of poor
people. Was that a crime? I am not thinking of it and I am not thinking
of expiating it, and why are you all rubbing it in on all sides? ‘A
crime! a crime!’ Only now I see clearly the imbecility of my cowardice,
now that I have decided to face this superfluous disgrace. It’s simply
because I am contemptible and have nothing in me that I have decided to,
perhaps too for my advantage, as that... Porfiry... suggested!”
“Brother, brother, what are you saying? Why, you have shed blood?” cried
Dounia in despair.
“Which all men shed,” he put in almost frantically, “which flows and has
always flowed in streams, which is spilt like champagne, and for which
men are crowned in the Capitol and are called afterwards benefactors of
mankind. Look into it more carefully and understand it! I too wanted to
do good to men and would have done hundreds, thousands of good deeds
to make up for that one piece of stupidity, not stupidity even, simply
clumsiness, for the idea was by no means so stupid as it seems now
that it has failed.... (Everything seems stupid when it fails.) By that
stupidity I only wanted to put myself into an independent position, to
take the first step, to obtain means, and then everything would have
been smoothed over by benefits immeasurable in comparison.... But I...
I couldn’t carry out even the first step, because I am contemptible,
that’s what’s the matter! And yet I won’t look at it as you do. If I had
succeeded I should have been crowned with glory, but now I’m trapped.”
“But that’s not so, not so! Brother, what are you saying?”
“Ah, it’s not picturesque, not æsthetically attractive! I fail to
understand why bombarding people by regular siege is more honourable.
The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence. I’ve never,
never recognised this more clearly than now, and I am further than ever
from seeing that what I did was a crime. I’ve never, never been stronger
and more convinced than now.”
The colour had rushed into his pale exhausted face, but as he uttered
his last explanation, he happened to meet Dounia’s eyes and he saw such
anguish in them that he could not help being checked. He felt that he
had, anyway, made these two poor women miserable, that he was, anyway,
the cause...
“Dounia darling, if I am guilty forgive me (though I cannot be forgiven
if I am guilty). Good-bye! We won’t dispute. It’s time, high time to go.
Don’t follow me, I beseech you, I have somewhere else to go.... But you
go at once and sit with mother. I entreat you to! It’s my last request
of you. Don’t leave her at all; I left her in a state of anxiety, that
she is not fit to bear; she will die or go out of her mind. Be with
her! Razumihin will be with you. I’ve been talking to him.... Don’t cry
about me: I’ll try to be honest and manly all my life, even if I am a
murderer. Perhaps I shall some day make a name. I won’t disgrace you,
you will see; I’ll still show.... Now good-bye for the present,” he
concluded hurriedly, noticing again a strange expression in Dounia’s
eyes at his last words and promises. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry,
don’t cry: we are not parting for ever! Ah, yes! Wait a minute, I’d
forgotten!”
He went to the table, took up a thick dusty book, opened it and took
from between the pages a little water-colour portrait on ivory. It was
the portrait of his landlady’s daughter, who had died of fever, that
strange girl who had wanted to be a nun. For a minute he gazed at the
delicate expressive face of his betrothed, kissed the portrait and gave
it to Dounia.
“I used to talk a great deal about it to her, only to her,” he said
thoughtfully. “To her heart I confided much of what has since been so
hideously realised. Don’t be uneasy,” he returned to Dounia, “she was
as much opposed to it as you, and I am glad that she is gone. The great
point is that everything now is going to be different, is going to
be broken in two,” he cried, suddenly returning to his dejection.
“Everything, everything, and am I prepared for it? Do I want it myself?
They say it is necessary for me to suffer! What’s the object of these
senseless sufferings? shall I know any better what they are for, when I
am crushed by hardships and idiocy, and weak as an old man after twenty
years’ penal servitude? And what shall I have to live for then? Why am I
consenting to that life now? Oh, I knew I was contemptible when I stood
looking at the Neva at daybreak to-day!”
At last they both went out. It was hard for Dounia, but she loved him.
She walked away, but after going fifty paces she turned round to look
at him again. He was still in sight. At the corner he too turned and for
the last time their eyes met; but noticing that she was looking at him,
he motioned her away with impatience and even vexation, and turned the
corner abruptly.
“I am wicked, I see that,” he thought to himself, feeling ashamed a
moment later of his angry gesture to Dounia. “But why are they so fond
of me if I don’t deserve it? Oh, if only I were alone and no one loved
me and I too had never loved anyone! _Nothing of all this would have
happened._ But I wonder shall I in those fifteen or twenty years grow so
meek that I shall humble myself before people and whimper at every word
that I am a criminal? Yes, that’s it, that’s it, that’s what they are
sending me there for, that’s what they want. Look at them running to and
fro about the streets, every one of them a scoundrel and a criminal at
heart and, worse still, an idiot. But try to get me off and they’d be
wild with righteous indignation. Oh, how I hate them all!”
He fell to musing by what process it could come to pass, that he could
be humbled before all of them, indiscriminately--humbled by conviction.
And yet why not? It must be so. Would not twenty years of continual
bondage crush him utterly? Water wears out a stone. And why, why should
he live after that? Why should he go now when he knew that it would be
so? It was the hundredth time perhaps that he had asked himself that
question since the previous evening, but still he went.
CHAPTER VIII
When he went into Sonia’s room, it was already getting dark. All day
Sonia had been waiting for him in terrible anxiety. Dounia had been
waiting with her. She had come to her that morning, remembering
Svidrigaïlov’s words that Sonia knew. We will not describe the
conversation and tears of the two girls, and how friendly they became.
Dounia gained one comfort at least from that interview, that her
brother would not be alone. He had gone to her, Sonia, first with his
confession; he had gone to her for human fellowship when he needed it;
she would go with him wherever fate might send him. Dounia did not ask,
but she knew it was so. She looked at Sonia almost with reverence and
at first almost embarrassed her by it. Sonia was almost on the point
of tears. She felt herself, on the contrary, hardly worthy to look at
Dounia. Dounia’s gracious image when she had bowed to her so attentively
and respectfully at their first meeting in Raskolnikov’s room had
remained in her mind as one of the fairest visions of her life.
Dounia at last became impatient and, leaving Sonia, went to her
brother’s room to await him there; she kept thinking that he would come
there first. When she had gone, Sonia began to be tortured by the dread
of his committing suicide, and Dounia too feared it. But they had spent
the day trying to persuade each other that that could not be, and both
were less anxious while they were together. As soon as they parted, each
thought of nothing else. Sonia remembered how Svidrigaïlov had said to
her the day before that Raskolnikov had two alternatives--Siberia or...