Lord Jim
say. We were sure to be picked up before the evening--right in the track
of all the Canal traffic; there was smoke to the north-west now.
‘“It gave me an awful shock to see this faint, faint blur, this low
trail of brown mist through which you could see the boundary of sea and
sky. I called out to them that I could hear very well where I was. The
skipper started swearing, as hoarse as a crow. He wasn’t going to talk
at the top of his voice for _my_ accommodation. ‘Are you afraid they
will hear you on shore?’ I asked. He glared as if he would have liked to
claw me to pieces. The chief engineer advised him to humour me. He
said I wasn’t right in my head yet. The other rose astern, like a thick
pillar of flesh--and talked--talked. . . .”
‘Jim remained thoughtful. “Well?” I said. “What did I care what story
they agreed to make up?” he cried recklessly. “They could tell what they
jolly well liked. It was their business. I knew the story. Nothing
they could make people believe could alter it for me. I let him talk,
argue--talk, argue. He went on and on and on. Suddenly I felt my legs
give way under me. I was sick, tired--tired to death. I let fall the
tiller, turned my back on them, and sat down on the foremost thwart. I
had enough. They called to me to know if I understood--wasn’t it true,
every word of it? It was true, by God! after their fashion. I did not
turn my head. I heard them palavering together. ‘The silly ass won’t say
anything.’ ‘Oh, he understands well enough.’ ‘Let him be; he will be all
right.’ ‘What can he do?’ What could I do? Weren’t we all in the same
boat? I tried to be deaf. The smoke had disappeared to the northward.
It was a dead calm. They had a drink from the water-breaker, and I drank
too. Afterwards they made a great business of spreading the boat-sail
over the gunwales. Would I keep a look-out? They crept under, out of my
sight, thank God! I felt weary, weary, done up, as if I hadn’t had one
hour’s sleep since the day I was born. I couldn’t see the water for the
glitter of the sunshine. From time to time one of them would creep out,
stand up to take a look all round, and get under again. I could hear
spells of snoring below the sail. Some of them could sleep. One of them
at least. I couldn’t! All was light, light, and the boat seemed to be
falling through it. Now and then I would feel quite surprised to find
myself sitting on a thwart. . . .”
‘He began to walk with measured steps to and fro before my chair, one
hand in his trousers-pocket, his head bent thoughtfully, and his right
arm at long intervals raised for a gesture that seemed to put out of his
way an invisible intruder.
‘“I suppose you think I was going mad,” he began in a changed tone. “And
well you may, if you remember I had lost my cap. The sun crept all the
way from east to west over my bare head, but that day I could not come
to any harm, I suppose. The sun could not make me mad. . . .” His right
arm put aside the idea of madness. . . . “Neither could it kill
me. . . .” Again his arm repulsed a shadow. . . . “_That_ rested with
me.”
‘“Did it?” I said, inexpressibly amazed at this new turn, and I looked
at him with the same sort of feeling I might be fairly conceived to
experience had he, after spinning round on his heel, presented an
altogether new face.
‘“I didn’t get brain fever, I did not drop dead either,” he went on. “I
didn’t bother myself at all about the sun over my head. I was thinking
as coolly as any man that ever sat thinking in the shade. That greasy
beast of a skipper poked his big cropped head from under the canvas
and screwed his fishy eyes up at me. ‘Donnerwetter! you will die,’ he
growled, and drew in like a turtle. I had seen him. I had heard him. He
didn’t interrupt me. I was thinking just then that I wouldn’t.”
‘He tried to sound my thought with an attentive glance dropped on me
in passing. “Do you mean to say you had been deliberating with yourself
whether you would die?” I asked in as impenetrable a tone as I could
command. He nodded without stopping. “Yes, it had come to that as I sat
there alone,” he said. He passed on a few steps to the imaginary end
of his beat, and when he flung round to come back both his hands were
thrust deep into his pockets. He stopped short in front of my chair and
looked down. “Don’t you believe it?” he inquired with tense curiosity.
I was moved to make a solemn declaration of my readiness to believe
implicitly anything he thought fit to tell me.’
CHAPTER 11
‘He heard me out with his head on one side, and I had another glimpse
through a rent in the mist in which he moved and had his being. The dim
candle spluttered within the ball of glass, and that was all I had to
see him by; at his back was the dark night with the clear stars, whose
distant glitter disposed in retreating planes lured the eye into the
depths of a greater darkness; and yet a mysterious light seemed to show
me his boyish head, as if in that moment the youth within him had, for
a moment, glowed and expired. “You are an awful good sort to listen like
this,” he said. “It does me good. You don’t know what it is to me. You
don’t” . . . words seemed to fail him. It was a distinct glimpse. He was
a youngster of the sort you like to see about you; of the sort you like
to imagine yourself to have been; of the sort whose appearance claims
the fellowship of these illusions you had thought gone out, extinct,
cold, and which, as if rekindled at the approach of another flame, give
a flutter deep, deep down somewhere, give a flutter of light . . . of
heat! . . . Yes; I had a glimpse of him then . . . and it was not the
last of that kind. . . . “You don’t know what it is for a fellow in my
position to be believed--make a clean breast of it to an elder man. It
is so difficult--so awfully unfair--so hard to understand.”
‘The mists were closing again. I don’t know how old I appeared to
him--and how much wise. Not half as old as I felt just then; not half
as uselessly wise as I knew myself to be. Surely in no other craft as in
that of the sea do the hearts of those already launched to sink or swim
go out so much to the youth on the brink, looking with shining eyes upon
that glitter of the vast surface which is only a reflection of his
own glances full of fire. There is such magnificent vagueness in
the expectations that had driven each of us to sea, such a glorious
indefiniteness, such a beautiful greed of adventures that are their own
and only reward. What we get--well, we won’t talk of that; but can one
of us restrain a smile? In no other kind of life is the illusion more
wide of reality--in no other is the beginning _all_ illusion--the
disenchantment more swift--the subjugation more complete. Hadn’t we all
commenced with the same desire, ended with the same knowledge, carried
the memory of the same cherished glamour through the sordid days of
imprecation? What wonder that when some heavy prod gets home the bond
is found to be close; that besides the fellowship of the craft there is
felt the strength of a wider feeling--the feeling that binds a man to a
child. He was there before me, believing that age and wisdom can find
a remedy against the pain of truth, giving me a glimpse of himself as a
young fellow in a scrape that is the very devil of a scrape, the sort
of scrape greybeards wag at solemnly while they hide a smile. And he
had been deliberating upon death--confound him! He had found that to
meditate about because he thought he had saved his life, while all its
glamour had gone with the ship in the night. What more natural! It
was tragic enough and funny enough in all conscience to call aloud for
compassion, and in what was I better than the rest of us to refuse him
my pity? And even as I looked at him the mists rolled into the rent, and
his voice spoke--
‘“I was so lost, you know. It was the sort of thing one does not expect
to happen to one. It was not like a fight, for instance.”
‘“It was not,” I admitted. He appeared changed, as if he had suddenly
matured.
‘“One couldn’t be sure,” he muttered.
‘“Ah! You were not sure,” I said, and was placated by the sound of
a faint sigh that passed between us like the flight of a bird in the
night.
‘“Well, I wasn’t,” he said courageously. “It was something like that
wretched story they made up. It was not a lie--but it wasn’t truth all
the same. It was something. . . . One knows a downright lie. There was
not the thickness of a sheet of paper between the right and the wrong of
this affair.”
‘“How much more did you want?” I asked; but I think I spoke so low that
he did not catch what I said. He had advanced his argument as though
life had been a network of paths separated by chasms. His voice sounded
reasonable.
‘“Suppose I had not--I mean to say, suppose I had stuck to the ship?
Well. How much longer? Say a minute--half a minute. Come. In thirty
seconds, as it seemed certain then, I would have been overboard; and do
you think I would not have laid hold of the first thing that came in my
way--oar, life-buoy, grating--anything? Wouldn’t you?”
‘“And be saved,” I interjected.
‘“I would have meant to be,” he retorted. “And that’s more than I meant
when I” . . . he shivered as if about to swallow some nauseous
drug . . . “jumped,” he pronounced with a convulsive effort, whose
stress, as if propagated by the waves of the air, made my body stir a
little in the chair. He fixed me with lowering eyes. “Don’t you believe
me?” he cried. “I swear! . . . Confound it! You got me here to talk,
and . . . You must! . . . You said you would believe.” “Of course I do,”
I protested, in a matter-of-fact tone which produced a calming effect.
“Forgive me,” he said. “Of course I wouldn’t have talked to you about
all this if you had not been a gentleman. I ought to have known . . . I
am--I am--a gentleman too . . .” “Yes, yes,” I said hastily. He was
looking me squarely in the face, and withdrew his gaze slowly. “Now you
understand why I didn’t after all . . . didn’t go out in that way. I
wasn’t going to be frightened at what I had done. And, anyhow, if I had
stuck to the ship I would have done my best to be saved. Men have been
known to float for hours--in the open sea--and be picked up not much the
worse for it. I might have lasted it out better than many others.
There’s nothing the matter with my heart.” He withdrew his right fist
from his pocket, and the blow he struck on his chest resounded like a
muffled detonation in the night.
‘“No,” I said. He meditated, with his legs slightly apart and his
chin sunk. “A hair’s-breadth,” he muttered. “Not the breadth of a hair
between this and that. And at the time . . .”
‘“It is difficult to see a hair at midnight,” I put in, a little
viciously I fear. Don’t you see what I mean by the solidarity of the
craft? I was aggrieved against him, as though he had cheated me--me!--of
a splendid opportunity to keep up the illusion of my beginnings, as
though he had robbed our common life of the last spark of its glamour.
“And so you cleared out--at once.”
‘“Jumped,” he corrected me incisively. “Jumped--mind!” he repeated, and
I wondered at the evident but obscure intention. “Well, yes! Perhaps I
could not see then. But I had plenty of time and any amount of light
in that boat. And I could think, too. Nobody would know, of course, but
this did not make it any easier for me. You’ve got to believe that, too.
I did not want all this talk. . . . No . . . Yes . . . I won’t
lie . . . I wanted it: it is the very thing I wanted--there. Do you
think you or anybody could have made me if I . . . I am--I am not afraid
to tell. And I wasn’t afraid to think either. I looked it in the face. I
wasn’t going to run away. At first--at night, if it hadn’t been for