Lord Jim
cast it in my teeth without--without--resenting it.” He clenched his
fist.
‘“There’s yourself,” I said with a smile--mirthless enough, God
knows--but he looked at me menacingly. “That’s my business,” he said.
An air of indomitable resolution came and went upon his face like a vain
and passing shadow. Next moment he looked a dear good boy in trouble,
as before. He flung away the cigarette. “Good-bye,” he said, with the
sudden haste of a man who had lingered too long in view of a pressing
bit of work waiting for him; and then for a second or so he made not the
slightest movement. The downpour fell with the heavy uninterrupted rush
of a sweeping flood, with a sound of unchecked overwhelming fury that
called to one’s mind the images of collapsing bridges, of uprooted
trees, of undermined mountains. No man could breast the colossal and
headlong stream that seemed to break and swirl against the dim stillness
in which we were precariously sheltered as if on an island. The
perforated pipe gurgled, choked, spat, and splashed in odious ridicule
of a swimmer fighting for his life. “It is raining,” I remonstrated,
“and I . . .” “Rain or shine,” he began brusquely, checked himself, and
walked to the window. “Perfect deluge,” he muttered after a while: he
leaned his forehead on the glass. “It’s dark, too.”
‘“Yes, it is very dark,” I said.
‘He pivoted on his heels, crossed the room, and had actually opened the
door leading into the corridor before I leaped up from my chair. “Wait,”
I cried, “I want you to . . .” “I can’t dine with you again to-night,”
he flung at me, with one leg out of the room already. “I haven’t the
slightest intention to ask you,” I shouted. At this he drew back his
foot, but remained mistrustfully in the very doorway. I lost no time
in entreating him earnestly not to be absurd; to come in and shut the
door.’
CHAPTER 17
‘He came in at last; but I believe it was mostly the rain that did it;
it was falling just then with a devastating violence which quieted
down gradually while we talked. His manner was very sober and set; his
bearing was that of a naturally taciturn man possessed by an idea. My
talk was of the material aspect of his position; it had the sole aim of
saving him from the degradation, ruin, and despair that out there close
so swiftly upon a friendless, homeless man; I pleaded with him to
accept my help; I argued reasonably: and every time I looked up at that
absorbed smooth face, so grave and youthful, I had a disturbing sense of
being no help but rather an obstacle to some mysterious, inexplicable,
impalpable striving of his wounded spirit.
‘“I suppose you intend to eat and drink and to sleep under shelter in
the usual way,” I remember saying with irritation. “You say you won’t
touch the money that is due to you.” . . . He came as near as his sort
can to making a gesture of horror. (There were three weeks and five
days’ pay owing him as mate of the Patna.) “Well, that’s too little to
matter anyhow; but what will you do to-morrow? Where will you turn? You
must live . . .” “That isn’t the thing,” was the comment that escaped
him under his breath. I ignored it, and went on combating what I assumed
to be the scruples of an exaggerated delicacy. “On every conceivable
ground,” I concluded, “you must let me help you.” “You can’t,” he said
very simply and gently, and holding fast to some deep idea which I
could detect shimmering like a pool of water in the dark, but which
I despaired of ever approaching near enough to fathom. I surveyed his
well-proportioned bulk. “At any rate,” I said, “I am able to help what
I can see of you. I don’t pretend to do more.” He shook his head
sceptically without looking at me. I got very warm. “But I can,” I
insisted. “I can do even more. I _am_ doing more. I am trusting
you . . .” “The money . . .” he began. “Upon my word you deserve being
told to go to the devil,” I cried, forcing the note of indignation. He
was startled, smiled, and I pressed my attack home. “It isn’t a question
of money at all. You are too superficial,” I said (and at the same time
I was thinking to myself: Well, here goes! And perhaps he is, after
all). “Look at the letter I want you to take. I am writing to a man of
whom I’ve never asked a favour, and I am writing about you in terms that
one only ventures to use when speaking of an intimate friend. I make
myself unreservedly responsible for you. That’s what I am doing. And
really if you will only reflect a little what that means . . .”
‘He lifted his head. The rain had passed away; only the water-pipe went
on shedding tears with an absurd drip, drip outside the window. It was
very quiet in the room, whose shadows huddled together in corners, away
from the still flame of the candle flaring upright in the shape of a
dagger; his face after a while seemed suffused by a reflection of a soft
light as if the dawn had broken already.
‘“Jove!” he gasped out. “It is noble of you!”
‘Had he suddenly put out his tongue at me in derision, I could not have
felt more humiliated. I thought to myself--Serve me right for a sneaking
humbug. . . . His eyes shone straight into my face, but I perceived
it was not a mocking brightness. All at once he sprang into jerky
agitation, like one of those flat wooden figures that are worked by a
string. His arms went up, then came down with a slap. He became another
man altogether. “And I had never seen,” he shouted; then suddenly bit
his lip and frowned. “What a bally ass I’ve been,” he said very slow
in an awed tone. . . . “You are a brick!” he cried next in a muffled
voice. He snatched my hand as though he had just then seen it for the
first time, and dropped it at once. “Why! this is what I--you--I . . .”
he stammered, and then with a return of his old stolid, I may say
mulish, manner he began heavily, “I would be a brute now if I . . .” and
then his voice seemed to break. “That’s all right,” I said. I was almost
alarmed by this display of feeling, through which pierced a strange
elation. I had pulled the string accidentally, as it were; I did not
fully understand the working of the toy. “I must go now,” he said.
“Jove! You _have_ helped me. Can’t sit still. The very thing . . .” He
looked at me with puzzled admiration. “The very thing . . .”
‘Of course it was the thing. It was ten to one that I had saved him from
starvation--of that peculiar sort that is almost invariably associated
with drink. This was all. I had not a single illusion on that score, but
looking at him, I allowed myself to wonder at the nature of the one he
had, within the last three minutes, so evidently taken into his bosom.
I had forced into his hand the means to carry on decently the serious
business of life, to get food, drink, and shelter of the customary kind
while his wounded spirit, like a bird with a broken wing, might hop and
flutter into some hole to die quietly of inanition there. This is what
I had thrust upon him: a definitely small thing; and--behold!--by the
manner of its reception it loomed in the dim light of the candle like
a big, indistinct, perhaps a dangerous shadow. “You don’t mind me not
saying anything appropriate,” he burst out. “There isn’t anything one
could say. Last night already you had done me no end of good. Listening
to me--you know. I give you my word I’ve thought more than once the top
of my head would fly off. . .” He darted--positively darted--here and
there, rammed his hands into his pockets, jerked them out again, flung
his cap on his head. I had no idea it was in him to be so airily
brisk. I thought of a dry leaf imprisoned in an eddy of wind, while a
mysterious apprehension, a load of indefinite doubt, weighed me down in
my chair. He stood stock-still, as if struck motionless by a discovery.
“You have given me confidence,” he declared, soberly. “Oh! for God’s
sake, my dear fellow--don’t!” I entreated, as though he had hurt me.
“All right. I’ll shut up now and henceforth. Can’t prevent me thinking
though. . . . Never mind! . . . I’ll show yet . . .” He went to the
door in a hurry, paused with his head down, and came back, stepping
deliberately. “I always thought that if a fellow could begin with a
clean slate . . . And now you . . . in a measure . . . yes . . . clean
slate.” I waved my hand, and he marched out without looking back; the
sound of his footfalls died out gradually behind the closed door--the
unhesitating tread of a man walking in broad daylight.
‘But as to me, left alone with the solitary candle, I remained strangely
unenlightened. I was no longer young enough to behold at every turn
the magnificence that besets our insignificant footsteps in good and in
evil. I smiled to think that, after all, it was yet he, of us two, who
had the light. And I felt sad. A clean slate, did he say? As if the
initial word of each our destiny were not graven in imperishable
characters upon the face of a rock.’
CHAPTER 18
‘Six months afterwards my friend (he was a cynical, more than
middle-aged bachelor, with a reputation for eccentricity, and owned
a rice-mill) wrote to me, and judging, from the warmth of my
recommendation, that I would like to hear, enlarged a little upon Jim’s
perfections. These were apparently of a quiet and effective sort.
“Not having been able so far to find more in my heart than a resigned
toleration for any individual of my kind, I have lived till now alone
in a house that even in this steaming climate could be considered as too
big for one man. I have had him to live with me for some time past. It
seems I haven’t made a mistake.” It seemed to me on reading this letter
that my friend had found in his heart more than tolerance for Jim--that
there were the beginnings of active liking. Of course he stated his
grounds in a characteristic way. For one thing, Jim kept his freshness
in the climate. Had he been a girl--my friend wrote--one could have
said he was blooming--blooming modestly--like a violet, not like some of
these blatant tropical flowers. He had been in the house for six weeks,
and had not as yet attempted to slap him on the back, or address him
as “old boy,” or try to make him feel a superannuated fossil. He had
nothing of the exasperating young man’s chatter. He was good-tempered,
had not much to say for himself, was not clever by any means, thank
goodness--wrote my friend. It appeared, however, that Jim was clever
enough to be quietly appreciative of his wit, while, on the other hand,
he amused him by his naiveness. “The dew is yet on him, and since I
had the bright idea of giving him a room in the house and having him
at meals I feel less withered myself. The other day he took it into his
head to cross the room with no other purpose but to open a door for
me; and I felt more in touch with mankind than I had been for years.
Ridiculous, isn’t it? Of course I guess there is something--some awful
little scrape--which you know all about--but if I am sure that it is
terribly heinous, I fancy one could manage to forgive it. For my part,
I declare I am unable to imagine him guilty of anything much worse than
robbing an orchard. Is it much worse? Perhaps you ought to have told me;
but it is such a long time since we both turned saints that you may have
forgotten we, too, had sinned in our time? It may be that some day I
shall have to ask you, and then I shall expect to be told. I don’t care
to question him myself till I have some idea what it is. Moreover, it’s
too soon as yet. Let him open the door a few times more for me. . . .”
Thus my friend. I was trebly pleased--at Jim’s shaping so well, at the
tone of the letter, at my own cleverness. Evidently I had known what
I was doing. I had read characters aright, and so on. And what if
something unexpected and wonderful were to come of it? That evening,