Lord Jim
nonsense, but there was nothing light-hearted in their romance: they
came together under the shadow of a life’s disaster, like knight and
maiden meeting to exchange vows amongst haunted ruins. The starlight was
good enough for that story, a light so faint and remote that it cannot
resolve shadows into shapes, and show the other shore of a stream. I
did look upon the stream that night and from the very place; it rolled
silent and as black as Styx: the next day I went away, but I am not
likely to forget what it was she wanted to be saved from when she
entreated him to leave her while there was time. She told me what
it was, calmed--she was now too passionately interested for mere
excitement--in a voice as quiet in the obscurity as her white half-lost
figure. She told me, “I didn’t want to die weeping.” I thought I had not
heard aright.
‘“You did not want to die weeping?” I repeated after her. “Like my
mother,” she added readily. The outlines of her white shape did not
stir in the least. “My mother had wept bitterly before she died,” she
explained. An inconceivable calmness seemed to have risen from the
ground around us, imperceptibly, like the still rise of a flood in the
night, obliterating the familiar landmarks of emotions. There came
upon me, as though I had felt myself losing my footing in the midst of
waters, a sudden dread, the dread of the unknown depths. She went on
explaining that, during the last moments, being alone with her mother,
she had to leave the side of the couch to go and set her back against
the door, in order to keep Cornelius out. He desired to get in, and
kept on drumming with both fists, only desisting now and again to shout
huskily, “Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!” In a far corner upon a few
mats the moribund woman, already speechless and unable to lift her arm,
rolled her head over, and with a feeble movement of her hand seemed to
command--“No! No!” and the obedient daughter, setting her shoulders with
all her strength against the door, was looking on. “The tears fell from
her eyes--and then she died,” concluded the girl in an imperturbable
monotone, which more than anything else, more than the white statuesque
immobility of her person, more than mere words could do, troubled my
mind profoundly with the passive, irremediable horror of the scene. It
had the power to drive me out of my conception of existence, out of
that shelter each of us makes for himself to creep under in moments of
danger, as a tortoise withdraws within its shell. For a moment I had
a view of a world that seemed to wear a vast and dismal aspect of
disorder, while, in truth, thanks to our unwearied efforts, it is
as sunny an arrangement of small conveniences as the mind of man can
conceive. But still--it was only a moment: I went back into my shell
directly. One _must_--don’t you know?--though I seemed to have lost all
my words in the chaos of dark thoughts I had contemplated for a second
or two beyond the pale. These came back, too, very soon, for words also
belong to the sheltering conception of light and order which is our
refuge. I had them ready at my disposal before she whispered softly, “He
swore he would never leave me, when we stood there alone! He swore to
me!”. . . “And it is possible that you--you! do not believe him?”
I asked, sincerely reproachful, genuinely shocked. Why couldn’t she
believe? Wherefore this craving for incertitude, this clinging to fear,
as if incertitude and fear had been the safeguards of her love. It was
monstrous. She should have made for herself a shelter of inexpugnable
peace out of that honest affection. She had not the knowledge--not the
skill perhaps. The night had come on apace; it had grown pitch-dark
where we were, so that without stirring she had faded like the
intangible form of a wistful and perverse spirit. And suddenly I heard
her quiet whisper again, “Other men had sworn the same thing.” It was
like a meditative comment on some thoughts full of sadness, of awe. And
she added, still lower if possible, “My father did.” She paused the
time to draw an inaudible breath. “Her father too.” . . . These were the
things she knew! At once I said, “Ah! but he is not like that.” This,
it seemed, she did not intend to dispute; but after a time the strange
still whisper wandering dreamily in the air stole into my ears. “Why
is he different? Is he better? Is he . . .” “Upon my word of honour,” I
broke in, “I believe he is.” We subdued our tones to a mysterious pitch.
Amongst the huts of Jim’s workmen (they were mostly liberated slaves
from the Sherif’s stockade) somebody started a shrill, drawling song.
Across the river a big fire (at Doramin’s, I think) made a glowing
ball, completely isolated in the night. “Is he more true?” she murmured.
“Yes,” I said. “More true than any other man,” she repeated in
lingering accents. “Nobody here,” I said, “would dream of doubting his
word--nobody would dare--except you.”
‘I think she made a movement at this. “More brave,” she went on in a
changed tone. “Fear will never drive him away from you,” I said a little
nervously. The song stopped short on a shrill note, and was succeeded by
several voices talking in the distance. Jim’s voice too. I was struck
by her silence. “What has he been telling you? He has been telling you
something?” I asked. There was no answer. “What is it he told you?” I
insisted.
‘“Do you think I can tell you? How am I to know? How am I to
understand?” she cried at last. There was a stir. I believe she was
wringing her hands. “There is something he can never forget.”
‘“So much the better for you,” I said gloomily.
‘“What is it? What is it?” She put an extraordinary force of appeal into
her supplicating tone. “He says he had been afraid. How can I believe
this? Am I a mad woman to believe this? You all remember something! You
all go back to it. What is it? You tell me! What is this thing? Is it
alive?--is it dead? I hate it. It is cruel. Has it got a face and a
voice--this calamity? Will he see it--will he hear it? In his sleep
perhaps when he cannot see me--and then arise and go. Ah! I shall never
forgive him. My mother had forgiven--but I, never! Will it be a sign--a
call?”
‘It was a wonderful experience. She mistrusted his very slumbers--and
she seemed to think I could tell her why! Thus a poor mortal seduced by
the charm of an apparition might have tried to wring from another
ghost the tremendous secret of the claim the other world holds over a
disembodied soul astray amongst the passions of this earth. The very
ground on which I stood seemed to melt under my feet. And it was so
simple too; but if the spirits evoked by our fears and our unrest have
ever to vouch for each other’s constancy before the forlorn magicians
that we are, then I--I alone of us dwellers in the flesh--have shuddered
in the hopeless chill of such a task. A sign, a call! How telling in its
expression was her ignorance. A few words! How she came to know them,
how she came to pronounce them, I can’t imagine. Women find their
inspiration in the stress of moments that for us are merely awful,
absurd, or futile. To discover that she had a voice at all was enough
to strike awe into the heart. Had a spurned stone cried out in pain it
could not have appeared a greater and more pitiful miracle. These few
sounds wandering in the dark had made their two benighted lives tragic
to my mind. It was impossible to make her understand. I chafed silently
at my impotence. And Jim, too--poor devil! Who would need him? Who would
remember him? He had what he wanted. His very existence probably had
been forgotten by this time. They had mastered their fates. They were
tragic.
‘Her immobility before me was clearly expectant, and my part was to
speak for my brother from the realm of forgetful shade. I was deeply
moved at my responsibility and at her distress. I would have given
anything for the power to soothe her frail soul, tormenting itself in
its invincible ignorance like a small bird beating about the cruel
wires of a cage. Nothing easier than to say, Have no fear! Nothing more
difficult. How does one kill fear, I wonder? How do you shoot a spectre
through the heart, slash off its spectral head, take it by its spectral
throat? It is an enterprise you rush into while you dream, and are glad
to make your escape with wet hair and every limb shaking. The bullet is
not run, the blade not forged, the man not born; even the winged words
of truth drop at your feet like lumps of lead. You require for such a
desperate encounter an enchanted and poisoned shaft dipped in a lie too
subtle to be found on earth. An enterprise for a dream, my masters!
‘I began my exorcism with a heavy heart, with a sort of sullen anger in
it too. Jim’s voice, suddenly raised with a stern intonation, carried
across the courtyard, reproving the carelessness of some dumb sinner by
the river-side. Nothing--I said, speaking in a distinct murmur--there
could be nothing, in that unknown world she fancied so eager to rob her
of her happiness, there was nothing, neither living nor dead, there was
no face, no voice, no power, that could tear Jim from her side. I drew
breath and she whispered softly, “He told me so.” “He told you the
truth,” I said. “Nothing,” she sighed out, and abruptly turned upon me
with a barely audible intensity of tone: “Why did you come to us from
out there? He speaks of you too often. You make me afraid. Do you--do
you want him?” A sort of stealthy fierceness had crept into our hurried
mutters. “I shall never come again,” I said bitterly. “And I don’t want
him. No one wants him.” “No one,” she repeated in a tone of doubt. “No
one,” I affirmed, feeling myself swayed by some strange excitement. “You
think him strong, wise, courageous, great--why not believe him to be
true too? I shall go to-morrow--and that is the end. You shall never be
troubled by a voice from there again. This world you don’t know is too
big to miss him. You understand? Too big. You’ve got his heart in your
hand. You must feel that. You must know that.” “Yes, I know that,” she
breathed out, hard and still, as a statue might whisper.
‘I felt I had done nothing. And what is it that I had wished to do? I am
not sure now. At the time I was animated by an inexplicable ardour, as
if before some great and necessary task--the influence of the moment
upon my mental and emotional state. There are in all our lives
such moments, such influences, coming from the outside, as it were,
irresistible, incomprehensible--as if brought about by the mysterious
conjunctions of the planets. She owned, as I had put it to her, his
heart. She had that and everything else--if she could only believe it.
What I had to tell her was that in the whole world there was no one who
ever would need his heart, his mind, his hand. It was a common fate, and
yet it seemed an awful thing to say of any man. She listened without
a word, and her stillness now was like the protest of an invincible
unbelief. What need she care for the world beyond the forests? I asked.
From all the multitudes that peopled the vastness of that unknown there
would come, I assured her, as long as he lived, neither a call nor a
sign for him. Never. I was carried away. Never! Never! I remember with
wonder the sort of dogged fierceness I displayed. I had the illusion
of having got the spectre by the throat at last. Indeed the whole real
thing has left behind the detailed and amazing impression of a dream.
Why should she fear? She knew him to be strong, true, wise, brave. He
was all that. Certainly. He was more. He was great--invincible--and the
world did not want him, it had forgotten him, it would not even know
him.
‘I stopped; the silence over Patusan was profound, and the feeble dry
sound of a paddle striking the side of a canoe somewhere in the middle