Tartuffe; Or, The Hypocrite
To his. Our meeting would cause a huge scandal.
Lord only knows what people would assume!
They would impute it to cunning, I presume,
And say that my guilt has made me pretend
To excuse him of any intent to offend,
And that I fear him and wish to placate him
As a crafty move in my plan to checkmate him.
Cleante. I think you are making up excuses,
And your arguments, monsieur, seem like ruses.
Must you assume the role of the Deity?
Does He need us to punish the guilty?
Leave it to Him to take care of vengeance;
He bids us to forgive every offense
And not to consider human judgments
When we follow God's sovereign commandments.
What? Should the petty fear of what some may say
Prevent you from doing this good deed today?
No, let us always follow God's commands,
And leave all other matters in His hands.
Tartuffe. I've told you already that I forgive
Him, and that, sir, is God's directive.
But after such scandal and vituperation
God doesn't demand our cohabitation.
Cleante. And does He demand that you lend your hand
To the pure caprice of the father's command,
And accept the gift of his whole estate
Which you cannot justly appropriate?
Tartuffe. Those who know me will not believe that I'd
Do anything selfish or unjustified.
I hold worldly goods in quite low esteem.
I can't be dazzled by their phony gleam.
And if in the end I decide to take
The gift that the father wishes to make,
It is only, I swear, because I fear
That it could be left to a false profiteer,
Or that it could be shared by those who would
Use it to do evil rather than good,
And who would not use it, as I'm sure I can,
For the glory of God and one's fellow man.
Cleante. Oh, sir! Don't put on that scrupulous air
While your actions injure a rightful heir.
Don't feel uneasy or risk your good health
By fretting about the perils of his wealth.
It is better spent on a young man's whim
Than that you be accused of defrauding him.
I only wonder why you aren't ashamed
By this proposal in which you are named.
In true religion is there some dictum
That says it's okay to make an heir your victim?
And if God has put some obstacle in place
Against you and Damis sharing the same space,
Wouldn't you prefer to be more discrete
And leave this house in a noble retreat
Than to sit and see the son of the house
Thrust from his home like a beggarly louse.
Believe me, it would prove your probity,
Monsieur, . . .
Tartuffe. It is now, Monsieur, half past three:
Certain religious rites demand my presence,
And you must excuse me for my absence. [He leaves.]
Cleante. Ah!
SCENE II
Elmire, Mariane, Dorine, Cleante
Dorine [to Cleante]. Please, sir, help us help her, for pity's sake.
Her suffering is such that her heart may break,
And the pact her father made this evening
Is the cause of all this awful grieving.
Here he comes. Let's join forces, I beg you,
And try through skill or cunning to undo
The vicious scheme that's left us all so troubled.
Scene 3
Orgon, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Dorine
Orgon. Ah! I'm pleased to see you all assembled.
[To Mariane] This contract here should make you very gay;
I'm sure you know what I'm about to say.
Mariane [kneeling]. In the name of God, who knows how I hurt,
And of everything which might move your heart,
Forgo, for now, the rights of paternity
And release me from my vow of docility.
Do not reduce me by some brutal rule
To asking God why you've grown so cruel.
And this life, alas, that you gave to me--
Do not make it a life of misery.
If, contrary to all my sweet hopes of
Joy, you forbid me to wed the man I love,
Hear me at least--on my knees I implore
You not to give me to a man I abhor,
And don't push me past the point of despair
By using your full force in this affair.
Orgon [to himself, sensing himself weakening]. Be firm. This is no time for humanity!
Mariane. Your fondness for him doesn't bother me.
Indulge it, and if it's not enough to consign
Your whole estate to him--then give him mine!
I freely consent and will sign on demand,
But please, please, do not offer him my hand,
And allow me to live in a convent where I
May count the sad days till God lets me die.
Orgon. Young girls always play such religious pranks
When their fathers hobble their lusty flanks!
Get up! The harder you have to work to bear it,
The greater the virtue and the merit.
Let this marriage mortify your senses
And quit bothering me with your meek defenses.
Dorine. But . . .
Orgon. Keep quiet, and stay out of this matter.
I completely forbid you to add to the chatter.
Cleante. If you will allow me to offer some advice . . .
Orgon. Brother, your advice is worth any price:
It is thoughtful and I truly respect it,
But I hope you don't mind if I reject it.
Elmire [to her husband]. What can I think about what you're saying
Except that your blindness is quite dismaying!
You must be besotted and led astray
To refuse to believe what has happened today.
Orgon. My dear, I only call 'em as I see 'em.
You favor my son, that worthless young bum,
And I think that you are afraid to condemn
His dirty trick on this most saintly of men.
You are, in fact, too calm to be believed;
You ought to have seemed a bit more aggrieved.
Elmire. When a love-sick man makes a foolish mistake
Must we take up arms as if honor's at stake?
And should we always respond to small slips
With fire in our eyes and abuse on our lips?
For myself, I laugh at these signs of lust;
It doesn't please me at all to grow nonplussed.
I seek wisdom tempered with charity,
And I'm not one of those prudes whose asperity
Is such that they fight for virtue tooth and nail,
And scratch a man's eyes out for being male.
Heaven preserve me from that kind of virtue!
I am an honest wife, but not a shrew,
And I believe that a calm, icy glance
Is quite enough to rebuff an advance.
Orgon. I know what I know and I won't change my mind.
Elmire. I'm again amazed that you could be so blind.
But would you keep that incredulity
If I made you see that we have spoken truly?
Orgon. See?
Elmire. Yes.
Orgon. Fantasy!
Elmire. But if I found a way
To make you see it all in light of day?
Orgon. Fairy tales!
Elmire. What a man! At least reply.
I don't ask you to believe me, but I
Do wonder what you will say of your good man
If I bring you to a place where you can
Clearly see and hear these things? What then?
Orgon. In that case I would say . . . nothing again,
For it cannot be.
Elmire. You've been blind too long,
And in calling me a liar, you're wrong!
So for your pleasure, but with modesty,
I'll make you witness my veracity.
Orgon. Good. I take you at your word. Now let's see
How in the world you will prove this to me.
Elmire [to Dorine]. Bid him come to me.
Dorine [to Elmire]. He's a crafty one
And perhaps he won't easily be undone.
Elmire [to Dorine]. No, we're easily duped by our affection,
And vanity aids in our misdirection.
[Speaking to Cleante and Mariane] Send him down here to me. And you can go.
SCENE IV
Elmire, Orgon
Elmire. Bring the table here, and then crouch down low.
Orgon. Why?
Elmire. Hiding you well is to be desired.
Orgon. Why under the table?
Elmire. Just do what's required!
I've made my plans and we'll see how they fare!
Get under the table, and when you're down there,
Don't let him see you and try not to grunt.
Orgon. I really think I'm far too tolerant,
But I'll stay through the end of your stratagem.
Elmire. You won't, I'm sure, have a thing to condemn.
[To her husband, who is now under the table.]
Mind you, I'm going to have strange things to say
And you must not be shocked in any way.
Whatever I may say, you must allow;
I only wish to convince you, anyhow.
I'm going to use sex, since I'm reduced to it,
To strip off the cloak of this hypocrite;
I'll stoke up the fires of his insolent heart
And give a free field to this base upstart.
For your sake and to deepen his disrepute
I'm going to pretend to welcome his suit.
I'll quit just as soon as you've heard enough.
Things needn't go farther than you wish, my love.
And you must stop them from becoming bizarre
When you think his mad love has gone too far.
Spare your wife and don't leave me in his hands
Longer than reaching your conviction demands.
This is your concern and you are in command.
Here he comes. Keep still! Keep down! Understand?
SCENE V
Tartuffe, Elmire, Orgon (under the table)
Tartuffe. You wish to speak with me in here, I'm told.
Elmire. Yes. I now have some secrets to unfold,
But shut the door before I say a word
And look around--we mustn't be overheard.
[Tartuffe closes the door and returns.]
I don't want another fracas to ensue
Like the one that overtook us hitherto.
Never before have I been so dismayed!
Damis startled me and made me afraid
For you. You must have seen that I did my best
To disrupt his plan and soothe his unrest.
It is true that I was so filled with shame
That I never thought of denying his claim,
But by the grace of God, I'm nearly sure
All is for the best and we're now more secure.
The prestige of your name has dispelled the storm,
And my husband will never suspect you of harm.
Defying those with rumors to foment,
He wants us together at every moment.
And that is why without blame I can
Be alone with you although you're a man,
And that allows me to open my heart
Willingly to the sweet thoughts you impart.
Tartuffe. I find it odd that you have kind words to say;
Earlier you treated me in a different way.
Elmire. Ah! If you're angry about that rebuff,
You know nothing about a woman's love!
And how little you know about our intent
If you think a weak defense is really meant!
At such times our modesty must contend
With the tender feelings that triumph in the end.
No matter how strongly you make love's claim,
In embracing it we always feel some shame.
We resist at first, but in our faces
It's clear that we'll soon yield to your embraces.
Our words and our wishes are often opposed:
A refusal may mean we accept what's proposed.
No doubt I am making too free a confession
And I may be committing an indiscretion,
But since my attempt at silence has gone awry,
Ask yourself why I sought to pacify