Tartuffe; Or, The Hypocrite
Cleante. That's exactly like a bratty boy's boast.
Please make your angry words more moderate.
We live during a time and in a state
Where violent acts are clearly unlawful.
SCENE III
Madame Pernelle, Mariane, Elmire, Dorine, Damis, Orgon, Cleante
Madame Pernelle. What's happening? The tales I'm told are awful.
Orgon. Novel things have been happening to me,
And for all my kindness, this is my fee.
I lift the man out of his misery;
Like a brother, I take him home with me;
Each day I treat him with greater largesse;
I give him my daughter and all I possess;
And at the same time the lying low-life
Looks for the best way to seduce my wife,
And, not fully content with what he's achieved,
He threatens me with the gifts he's received,
And he wishes to use, in ruining me,
Those profits he gained from my foolish bounty
To drive me from the home that I gave to him
And reduce me to the state that he was in.
Dorine. Poor man!
Madame Pernelle. Son, I don't believe he'd allow
Himself to take part in actions so foul.
Orgon. How's that?
Madame Pernelle. People always resent holy men.
Orgon. Mother, what were you trying to say just then?
Madame Pernelle. That in your home one sees the strangest things;
Among them is the hate that envy brings.
Orgon. How is it hate when I've told you the truth?
Madame Pernelle. I warned you often when you were a youth:
In this world virtue is oppressed forever;
The envious may die, but envy never.
Orgon. But what does this have to do with today?
Madame Pernelle. People are telling you lies and hearsay.
Orgon. I've already said that I myself saw it.
Madame Pernelle. The malice of gossips is infinite.
Orgon. You'll make me damn myself, Mother. I tell you
I saw with my eyes just what he would do.
Madame Pernelle. Some tongues always have some poison to spit,
And nothing on earth is safe against it.
Orgon. I do not know what these words of yours mean.
I've seen it, I say, seen, with these eyes seen--
Do you know the word, seen? Must I shout it
In your ears a hundred times and still you doubt it?
Madame Pernelle. Dear Lord! Appearances may be deceiving:
You shouldn't judge based on what you're perceiving.
Orgon. I'll go mad!
Madame Pernelle. People are prone to suspicion;
Misjudgment is part of the human condition.
Orgon. So I must interpret charitably
His desire to cuckold me?
Madame Pernelle. Don't you see
That to accuse a man you need just cause,
And until you're quite sure, you ought to pause.
Orgon. To be more certain, what would you advise?
Should I have waited until before my eyes
He had . . . You'll make me say something quite lewd.
Madame Pernelle. I'm sure that a holy zeal has imbued
His soul, and I can't begin to believe
That he would be willing to cheat or deceive.
Orgon. Leave me . . . I'm now so angry that if you
Were not my mother, I'm not sure what I'd do.
Dorine [to Orgon]. This is fair payment, sir, for what we received.
You wouldn't believe us; now you're not believed.
Cleante. We are wasting time on foolish pleasures
That would be better spent in active measures.
We should not ignore this swindler's threats.
Damis. What! Does his boldness have no boundaries yet?
Elmire. For myself, I don't believe it's possible;
His ingratitude would be too visible.
Cleante [to Orgon]. Don't put your faith in that. He will find ways
To gild with reason all the things he says;
And with less than this the people in power
Have forced their foes to cringe and cower.
I tell you again: well-armed as they are,
You should never have pushed him quite so far.
Orgon. True, but what could I do? Facing that bastard,
I felt resentment that I never mastered.
Cleante. I deeply desire to arrange between you
Some shadow of peace, however untrue.
Elmire. If I had known that he possessed such arms,
I would never have set off these alarms,
And my . . .
Orgon [to Dorine, seeing Monsieur Loyal enter]. What does this man want? Go and see.
I don't wish to have anyone meet with me!
SCENE IV
Monsieur Loyal, Madame Pernelle, Orgon, Damis, Mariane, Dorine, Elmire, Cleante
Monsieur Loyal [to Dorine]. Hello, my dear sister. Could you please see
If your master is in?
Dorine. He has company,
And I doubt he'll be able to see you now.
Monsieur Loyal. I have not come here to cause a row.
I don't think that my presence will displease
Him; I come, in fact, to put him at ease.
Dorine. Your name?
Monsieur Loyal. Tell him only that I've come here
For Monsieur Tartuffe, and to give him cheer.
Dorine [to Orgon]. It's a man who has come quite civilly,
On behalf of Monsieur Tartuffe, to see,
He says, to your pleasure.
Cleante [to Orgon]. You'd best find out
Who he is and what he has come here about.
Orgon [to Cleante]. Perhaps he has come here to reconcile us.
How should I act and what should we discuss?
Cleante. Don't let any of your anger appear,
And if he speaks of a deal, make him be clear.
Monsieur Loyal [to Orgon]. Greetings, sir. May God destroy all your foes
And favor you as much as I propose!
Orgon [aside to Cleante]. This civil start meets my approbation
And foreshadows some accommodation.
Monsieur Loyal. At one time I was your father's employee,
And this whole house is very dear to me.
Orgon. I ask your pardon, sir, but to my shame
I'm totally ignorant of your name.
Monsieur Loyal. My name is Loyal. I come from Normandy.
I'm the bailiff here, in spite of envy.
For the last forty years, thanks be to God,
I've done my duty and retained by job.
And I've come to you, with your permission,
To serve this notice of your eviction.
Orgon. What! You're here . . .
Monsieur Loyal. Let's have no irritation.
This is nothing more than notification,
An order to evict both you and yours,
Put your furniture out and lock the doors,
Without pardon or delay to fulfill . . .
Orgon. Me! Leave this place?
Monsieur Loyal. Yes, monsieur, if you will.
This house now belongs, I have ample proof,
To your very good friend, Monsieur Tartuffe.
He is master and lord of all your wealth
By virtue of a deed he showed me himself.
It is in due form and cannot be doubted.
Damis [to Monsieur Loyal]. What impudence! I'm amazed about it.
Monsieur Loyal [to Damis]. You and I, sir, have no business and you'd
Best leave things to this man [pointing to Orgon], who's civil and shrewd,
And knows too well the duties of my office
To wish to oppose himself to justice.
Orgon. But . . .
Monsieur Loyal [to Orgon]. I know that not even a million
Dollars would make you cause a rebellion,
And that you will be an honest citizen
And let me fulfill the orders I'm given.
Damis. You may soon feel upon your black soutane,
Monsieur Bailiff, the heavy weight of this cane.
Monsieur Loyal [to Orgon]. Command your son to be quiet or depart,
Monsieur; I would regret to have to report
All this and make these matters more official.
Damis [aside]. This Monsieur Loyal seems quite disloyal!
Monsieur Loyal. For all worthy men there's a place in my heart,
And I would not have wished, sir, to take part
In this, except to lift some of your burden,
By preventing the chore from falling to one
Who might not share my opinion of you
And who wouldn't proceed as gently as I do.
Orgon. And what could be worse than the evil crime
Of evicting me?
Monsieur Loyal. I'm giving you time,
And until morning I'll hold in abeyance
The execution of this conveyance.
I shall only come here with ten of my boys
To spend the night, without scandal or noise.
For the sake of form please bring to me, before
You go up to bed, the keys to your door.
I'll take care not to disrupt your repose
And not to do anything you would oppose.
But tomorrow morning you must get set
To empty the house, down to the last brochette.
My boys will assist you. Each one's a strong lout
And will do all he can to help move you out.
I'm doing my best to use common sense,
And, since I'm treating you with such indulgence,
I beg you, sir, to act the same way to me.
Let no one bar me from doing my duty.
Orgon [aside]. With a happy heart I would at once pay
The last hundred francs that are mine today
For the power and pleasure of hitting his snout
With one absolutely sensational clout.
Cleante [quietly, to Orgon]. Go easy, don't make things worse.
Damis. My hand itches
To get in a fight with these sons of bitches.
Dorine. Monsieur Loyal, I think it might become you
To have your broad back beaten black and blue.
Monsieur Loyal. These wicked words deserve condemnation,
And women, too, may earn incarceration.
Cleante [to Monsieur Loyal]. Let's end it now; that's enough for today.
Hand over the paper, and be on your way.
Monsieur Loyal. Until later, then. Heaven keep you in joy!
Orgon. May it confound you, and your employer!
SCENE V
Orgon, Cleante, Mariane, Elmire, Madame Pernelle, Dorine, Damis
Orgon. There! You now see, mother, that I was right,
And you can judge of the rest by this writ.
Do you admit at last that he can lie?
Madame Pernelle. It's as if a bolt has struck from the sky.
Dorine [to Orgon]. You're wrong to complain, and wrong to blame him.
These things show the grand plans of your seraphim.
His neighborly love finds consummation
In proving that wealth causes degradation,
And from pure charity he wants to remove
Every obstacle between you and God's love.
Orgon. Shut up. . . . I'm always saying that to you.
Cleante [to Orgon]. Let us consider what we ought to do.
Elmire. We must expose this man's insolent acts.
His deeds invalidate all the contracts.
And his disloyalty will seem too plain
If he tries to use them for personal gain.
SCENE VI
Valere, Orgon, Cleante, Elmire, Mariane, Madame Pernelle, Damis, Dorine
Valere. I'm sorry, sir, that I've come to distress you;
But certain dangers may soon oppress you.
A friend, whose love for me is deep and true
And who knows how much I care about you,
Has had enough courage to violate
The secrecy of affairs of state
And has just now sent me word that you might
Be well-advised to take sudden flight.
The villain who has been imposing on you
Has gone to the Prince to accuse you too,
And put into his hands, like a blade of hate,
The vital papers of a traitor of State,
Which he says that you've kept in secrecy
Despite the duties of aristocracy.
I don't know the details of the alleged crime,
But a warrant against you has been signed,
And he himself is assigned to assist
Those who will soon come to make the arrest.
Cleante. Now his claims are well-armed; and the ingrate