Thoughts of a fool
The club women of Chicago have seldom enjoyed a more enticing subject.
And I thought that I, too, would take a hand in this discussion, and
figure out in my own way whether it be indeed a woman’s duty to press
her husband’s trousers. I picked up Webster’s unabridged dictionary to
find what duty was, and I saw that he divided it into three classes,
natural, social, and legal.
A man’s obligation to nature is called his natural duty; his obligation
to society is his moral duty; his compliance with the law is his legal
duty.
Angels may well fear to tread upon the sacred ground pre-empted by the
definition-makers. I am a fool, and have no fear about rushing into
the fray, and declaring that when Webster does not agree with me, then
Noah is wrong, and that there is no other duty than legal duty. We
look in vain for the germ of duty in nature. It is not the duty of the
lightning to flash; it just flashes. It is not the duty of the bird to
sing; it sings. It is not the duty of the rose to emit perfume; nor of
the dunghill to--but why go into unsavory crannies, though nature lead
the way? Nor is there any evidence of moral duty anywhere on the mental
horizon. There is only Love that prompts us, and wherever anything is
done that is not done by love it is done by hypocrisy. Surely duty is
not hypocrisy--or am I foolish in saying this? If one be honest only
from a sense of duty, how honest is he?
But legal duty is a “sure-enough” concept. We may obey our parents
because we honor them. He is a coward who obeys from fear. Hence
obedience yielded from any other sense than that of love is cowardice,
not duty. Shall we exalt cowardice? Being a fool I would advise against
that course. What say you, O ye wise? Duty means to do something you
don’t like to do, while obedience to nature is one of joy, besides
giving you health, pleasure, and happiness. Nature will always give
you the desire to fulfil the obligation she imposes upon you. Disobey
nature and she will punish you with ill health and misery. Society will
thank you for complying with its moral obligations. If you are the
cause of stopping a runaway horse, thereby preventing an accident; if
you save a drowning person, or in any manner become active in averting
danger to others, you become a hero. You have the praise of the public.
Society will shun and look down upon you if you have not the welfare of
others at heart. Rewards for obedience and punishment for disobedience
are the methods by which life imposes its obligation on the individual.
Now, our legal duty is to obey the laws. There is no direct reward for
obedience to legal behests, but there is punishment for disobedience,
if one be not careful. Hence the first duty of the citizen is to beware
lest he be caught undutifully attitudinizing toward the law of the
land. There are some laws so adjusted that there is a direct reward
for conformity. As for instance, those enactments that provide that
one-half the penalty be awarded the informer. A fool might wish that
the penalty in all such cases were lashes on the bare back, in order
that the informer might be justly rewarded. However, it is not for
the fool to make laws. Then there are extra rewards for officers of
the law to perform so disagreeable a “duty” as to hang or electrocute
the condemned. There is here a sort of confession that society is
requiring from an officer a service which itself condemns, and soothes
the conscience of the functionary with some thirty pieces of silver.
It is against the natural feeling of man to kill, maim, or injure
his fellows, and therefore he must be paid for his act in some more
substantial manner than the mere recognition of duty done. And so, in
greater or lesser degree, all these things which are done from a sense
of duty are in conflict with the natural and moral perceptions of
man. Any other compliance with “good citizenship” does not hinge upon
the duty spook at all. A mother nurses her child, not because she has
to, but because she loves to. If you dislike to take a fool’s dictum
for this, analyze for yourself, and see where it leads you. Hence the
whole scheme of society is being sustained by an artificial prop. It
is the province of the school and church to keep this prop continually
braced. Obedience to the law is the surface cry of these institutions.
They teach it, preach it, insist upon it, yet all the cajolery and
blandishments employed are not sufficient without the element of force.
And with all the force that is exerted to sustain the laws, they are
violated continually. There is no one, however much inoculated with
the duty spook, who does not violate some law some of the time, though
perhaps it cannot be said that any one violates all the law all the
time. Yet the more conscious we are of disobedience to existing laws,
the more new laws we pile upon our statute books to be broken.
Pressing a husband’s trousers does not appear to be a natural duty. If
it be a natural pleasure, then the reward for doing the pressing is
the pleasure that follows the operation. The woman in the case cited
seemingly derived no pleasure from pressing the trousers of her lord
and master. Hence nature had no voice in the case. Nor could such a
service be called a moral duty, inasmuch as there is nowhere a moral
code whereby one could be adjudged immoral by refraining from applying
the pressure of a hot iron to hubby’s “pants.” Indeed, it may be
said that the custom is one more honored in the breeches than in the
trousers. But that is the comment of a fool, and need not be seriously
considered. I am ostracized for being a fool, but I have never yet
heard of a woman being ostracized for omitting to press her husband’s
trousers, nor, on the other hand, have I ever heard a woman praised
for faithful attention to the requirements of her husband’s bifurcated
garments. Even at funerals of noble women have I never heard (and
generally at that time all the good deeds, big or little, are said in
her favor) the funeral orator say, “Here lies a noble woman who never
missed a day without pressing her husband’s trousers.”
While there is a question of legal duty, no penalty seems to have been
prescribed for non-observance, and no legal reward for compliance.
Perhaps if after all it were a legal duty, you would find that the
wife of each public functionary would be setting a lofty example by
being photographed at the ironing-board and having a daily levee at
pressing time. And by not doing it, it is plainly to be seen, that
it is not a legal duty. While it is neither natural, moral, nor legal
to press husband’s pants, yet if your husband be a tailor, and you an
industrious woman, you will press pants, sew buttons, and do anything
to help along.
POTATOES
By means of certain noises, such as hisses and grunts, producing in
combination various sounds, created by manipulations of the muscles of
mouth, jaws, lips, throat, and tongue, thoughts are communicated among
mankind. Before language was well developed there must have occurred
many oddities of expression. Doubtless numerous misunderstandings
resulted by reason of different words being used for names of one
and the same object. But as the tailless varieties of bipeds adopted
lingual methods of communication, certain sound-tags have at last
come to stand for definite material objects, thoughts, and feelings.
Thus words have meaning. Vocal labels which express whole ideas are
not easily misunderstood. When I use the word potato, I make a mental
image of a succulent tuber, white inside, and with a surface of brown,
red, or gray; a most convenient adjunct to roast beef. I convey to the
listener a conception in all respects similar to my own, he knowing
that I refer to a certain food product which grows underground. Thus,
without further description, a potato is known as a potato.
Acts are likewise named. We speak of a robber, a thief, a genius, and
a prostitute, and a whole idea is conveyed by each of these terms,
and quite a definite one. But the irregular tags which we attach to
many things--tags which convey an uncertain, double, or shifting
meaning--are most puzzling, and therefore remain quite outside of my
comprehension. The brain-fagging puzzle is the irregular label which
stands for effect, and carries an equivocal meaning with it;--own
cousin to the vessel that has a false bottom.
When I use the word thief I do not have in mind a general term which
applies to all persons that secretly appropriate property belonging
to another, for if one steals an overcoat and people know that he has
an overcoat at home and so has no need of another (and also that he
has the price to get himself an overcoat if he wishes), he cannot then
be called a thief; he is a kleptomaniac, which is a joke on stealing.
The word thief is used and applied only to the person who steals an
overcoat because he is sorely in need of one, or he needs the money
which the overcoat would bring him in the pawnshop. This man is a thief!
The term “thief,” besides explaining the act, carries with it also
a certain reproach. On the other hand, when I say “he made a good
bargain,” I mean that, while the fellow took the property of another
like the thief did, his act is deserving of praise; and a thief is
not a thief. When I call a man a robber, I am thinking of one who
takes property by brute force--a term which carries with it an odor
of ill-repute; a man to be avoided. But when I speak of some robbers
I call them soldiers. They are patriots who save the country--whose
career is one of conquest; and robbers are not robbers. The term
murder signifies the taking of the life of one human being by another
or others, and there is conveyed an idea of violence, cruelty, and
disgrace. But the infliction of capital punishment, which is also
taking the life of another may elicit my approval; and thus murder is
not murder.
The term prostitution implies a temporary, loveless, but pecuniary
relationship between man and woman, and it has disgraceful
implications; but I justify the pride of a woman who has made a good
catch; her act is like the other, but meets with my approval; and a
prostitute is not a prostitute. A fight is looked upon as an unmanly
and disgraceful proceeding, and one who will strike another with his
fists is described as being low; but let a thousand men fight with
another thousand, the act is called war, and I justify and praise it;
for a fight is no longer a fight. When a stronger person hits a weaker
we call it a cowardly act, and it is condemned; still a judge on the
bench said that should a man whip his wife, a mother her daughter, a
teacher her pupil, it is called discipline. Thus it is easy to be seen
that a potato is not always a potato after all, no matter how clearly
the word potato signifies the staying powers of the Irish stomach; no
matter how plainly the word calls to mind the irregular-shaped and
various-sized murphies which the farmer digs, sacks, and takes to
market.
Being what I am, I do not pretend to know when a potato is not a
potato, but I do know when a potato is a potato, and I know that I
know it. As an ignoramus then, I should like to be informed why it
is that an untruth is sometimes in plain English called a lie, and
at other times a piece of diplomacy; why should scandal passing from
mouth to mouth be called harmful gossip, and immediately it appears in
a daily paper is dignified by the name of news; why playing upon green
cloth is called gambling, while playing upon the susceptibilities of
financial lambs, who bleat on the floor of a chamber of commerce, is
called speculation. I am waiting for a man to arise who can explain
to me the difference between a libertine and a devil; who can tell
me why a beer-soaked laborer is described as being drunk, and a